A New Leaf

With the arrival of cute, furry spring animal babies, fragrant spring flowers, green grass, leaves on the trees and the exposure of acres of extremely pale flesh, I have decided to make some changes to my life/family/perspective/attitude. Some of these changes might take a little more effort than others, but hopefully with a lot of dedication and focus, I'll be able to pull it off.

• When one of my kids talks back to me or gives me an answer that I don't entirely agree with, instead of automatically launching into a yell-fest and pointing out how crappy their behavior is, from now on I'll remain silent, assume that they must be having a hard day and get them a cookie.
• If/when my neighbor vacuums his cars or uses his lawn mower/leaf blower/weed whacker three times a week at 9:00 p.m., instead of glaring at him and wishing for a disfiguring accident, I will simply shut all of my windows and doors and wait patiently for him to finish.
• While shopping, if someone is on the phone and in my way, instead of "nudging" her cart out of the way or saying "excuse me" using my outside voice, I will assume that her phone call is about something very, very important. Therefore, I will turn around, go back down the aisle and find a different route that doesn't inconvenience or interrupt her.
• When someone has 24 items in the "15 items or less" line, I won't glare at the back of their selfish, clueless head until they start to squirm with discomfort or wonder if they're so stupid that they don't know how to count, but will instead just assume that they're in a bigger hurry than me.
• If I go into a fitting room to try clothes on and the pants/shorts/ swimwear ends up looking more like sausage casing/shrink wrap than apparel, I won't automatically start cursing the fashion industry and starve myself, but will just go get a different size. A much larger, roomier, oh-my-god-I'm-not-18-anymore size.
• When my kids piss me off, instead of automatically yelling before I reach for a beer or the bottle of Ketel One, I will take a deep breath, count to 500 and if needed, leave the room until I feel calm.
• Even though perfect drinking weather might occur at some point between Monday and Friday, I will only drink on the weekends.
• Oh yeah, happy April Fools Day.