The Translator

Everyone warned me that this day would arrive. My teenager thinks that I have always been a clueless, bossy, and boring mom. I have obviously never attended junior high, am on a mission to embarrass him when given the opportunity, and an outhouse probably has a better sense of humor since at least it has raunchy jokes written on the walls. He has apparently decided to perfect the snarky comment, and is willing to put in the time and dedication needed to accomplish this task. I would like to survive his teenage years, and Charlie and Zoe's future hormonal imbalances, with some sanity, a healthy liver, and without a daily fight. So from now on, when he says something especially crappy, I'm going to translate the horrid statement into what I think he really meant.

What are you talking about? I'm sorry, but I was too busy thinking about my science test tomorrow. Could you please repeat what you were saying, because I'm sure it's really interesting, and you're super smart.

That was so lame. Although I would have maybe jumped over that puddle differently, you did it with a lot of grace and style.

Thanks for making that unfunny. Thank you for explaining why that joke on the 93X Half Assed Morning Show was funny, because even though I pretended to know what they were talking about, I really had no idea.

Enough already. I really appreciate your concern. I will definitely take your suggestions seriously and think about everything you've said.

Shit. Shit.

It's alright, but not great. Thank you for taking the time to make this delicious meal instead of making me eat cold cereal for dinner. In fact, I'm really lucky because I don't even have to eat cold cereal for breakfast.

Whatever. I got it. I GOT IT! Yes, I know I still have homework left, and I should probably inquire about that missing assignment in math. Thank you for reminding me.

Really? Just. No. Wow, mom, that's a really impressive singing voice/dance move. But maybe you should stop so you don't make everyone else feel inadequate.

I knew you were going to say that. I am accustomed to hearing you repeat yourself, because I never listen the first 137 times.

Please don't get the impression that Zach is anything but a great kid. He gets straight A's in school, plays varsity tennis, never needs to be reminded to practice piano, is an amazing big brother, and most of the time we manage to have pleasant, productive conversations. But he is a teenager, and dealing with this smart-ass attitude is kind of foreign to me. After all, I was never a teenager myself, so I know I was never like this to my mom.