Wednesday, September 9, 2015

I need to unsee that, but let me take a picture first

Due to the fact that my kids are now older and several of their friends know that this blog exists, I have done them a favor and taken a break from ripping on them in long form. They know when they screw up and they know when I'm furious (because they know how to interpret my angry eyes and flailing arms), so dragging our disagreement on for days just so I can write about it in a way that makes me look very super right and them look like fools, while satisfying, is probably unnecessary. Every parent I know could write (or at least talk) about the five thousand ways in which their kids piss them off, and all those kids know that they're pissing off their parents. Well, except for those parents that are convinced that their children are sent straight from the heavens, destined for a life of perfection, never committing a wrongdoing or uttering a bad word, NEVER throwing a tantrum or a fistful of sand, ALWAYS shitting nothing but organic goodness and FOR SURE going to be a genius that solves all of the world's problems. I, personally, love those parents, because they give me something to laugh at and write about. Just like all those people that go to the Minnesota State Fair.

What I have realized over the last couple weeks is that there are a large number of people that eagerly wait for me to go to the State Fair, just so I can take pictures and share them. And while I know there is probably a larger number of people that are wishing me straight to hell and think that I'm the Worst Human Alive for taking these pictures and sharing them, I really don't care and, well... those people are probably pictured below:

Behold, the 2015 Minnesota State Fair:

I'm pretty sure that this girl is probably on Diflucan,
and has a tube of Monistat in her purse.

Just a thought, but if you're over the age of 6 and closer to the age of 56,
maybe say no to the pigtails.

This dude really likes his popcorn.
And so does the dude on the bench behind him.

Not even sure if there's anything in this picture
that's more distracting than the bedazzled fannypack.

I've always wondered what it would be like to fan myself
with Sid Hartman's face.

I saw pickle hats, pig hats, Sun Country airplane hats...
and exactly one newspaper hat.

The very best place to sit at the fair.
A bar, a breeze, some misters, and a view of people like...

This guy.

Here is, in my opinion, the classiest looking girl at The Fair,
even if she is LOUDLY bitching at her husband.

I offered, they declined. Must have been the beer in my hand,
or possibly the flask in my purse.

Next time, just wear the underwear on the outside of your skirt.
Also, it was 88 degrees, which means that poly must've felt AMAZING!

One of the kajillion pairs of black socks that I saw.

And of course that's a pair of shoes and stinky socks
on the ground next to me...
that someone took off of their sweaty feet...
because apparently you're allowed to do that shit when you're at The Fair.

Is it back sweat, or a Rorschach test?

It's a good thing he wore the flesh toned underwear because otherwise
he'd look as foolish as the dude in the plaid boxers next to him.

Oh, so people actually do wear those free XXXL Metro Transit t-shirts!

I guarantee that this dude, at some point during his day,
lost his shorts.

They were all out of strollers, and wagons, and wheelchairs, and walking skills.

Oh, here's a doily and a Fruit of the Loom bra. Never mind.

Hard to believe that in this case, a picture from the front would
be even worse.

It really does not matter how hot and humid it is,
shirts are NEVER optional.

This dude followed his How To Go To The State Fair checklist very thoroughly:
fanny pack, umbrella, I-don't-give-a-fuck outfit...

Yes, she's pretty damn fit.
No, that doesn't mean she should have half her ass and a whole vagina hanging out.

I repeat, a picture from the front would be even worse.

What does this even mean? Did he ride his Harley to Cancun?
Do they sell Harley's in Cancun? Does he love Harleys AND Cancun?
Are they shorts or capris?

I really need to create a new State Fair Scavenger Hunt, and add
1. Wife beater family, and

2. Dictionary definition of Fair Family.
The pink crocs would have earned me bonus points.

Instead of the Fingertip Rule that schools are using, maybe they should
change it to "if your shorts are smaller than your purse,
and there is visible belly loppage, burn those shorts."

Also, note to dude with the moose knuckle on the bench: you also need bigger shorts.

For sure when it's almost 90 degrees outside,
skin tight jeggings should be the go-to wardrobe staple

For sure if I had a hat that looks sort of like a condom, that shit would
be worn front and center. 
Game of the day: figure out what is in his bag,
and what that stuffed thing is on his belly.

They came straight from the dentist.

Caption courtesy of someone else that will remain anonymous:
"Oh look, he has a hemorrhoid to sit on."

If your shorts look more like denim underwear than shorts and
cut off all circulation, PLEASE DON'T WEAR THEM IN PUBLIC!

Yes, those are pajama shorts.
And I'm pretty sure that's "War and Peace" on her back.

You've got a lot more, goin' for you at Hank.
Hardware Hank. 
You, just like thousands of other sweaty people, can
lay down here, put your head on a pillow and find your sleep number.

It's almost like playing Where's Waldo

1. Leggings aren't pants.
2. A pillowcase isn't a shirt.
3. A bra isn't optional.
4. The shelf bra doesn't count.

When putting on both straps and wearing a shirt
is obviously too much work and it's so much easier to just


So, what is that pink doohickey hanging off of
her shoulder bag strap anyway? Is it a Barbie walkie talkie?

honestly. speechless.
Like, these leggings aren't pants! In fact, I'm not even wearing any skin!

Wearing this coat in almost 90 degrees really demonstrates
this guy's commitment to camo.

After coming in from chores and wrangling, Dawson was
so hot that he physically ripped the sleeves off of his shirt...
before going to the State Fair for cookies.

I knew it wasn't just the Asian girls using these parasols.

I REPEAT... be grateful that this picture wasn't taken from the front.

Just think, some lucky kid is now the proud owner of a purple gorilla that has
been thoroughly coated in ass sweat and State Fair road scum.

It's 88 degrees, and this is America, so let's for sure let the boy wear shorts and a short sleeve shirt
and make the girl cover every square inch of her body.

Yes, this actually happened and yes, that's a swim diaper and
yes, I'm still traumatized. 

You wear your blue tiedye shirt and jorts and I'll wear my blue tiedye shirt and jorts and...
oh yeah here's a grey backpack so you can carry all our shit.


I cannot be the only one thinking "There's Something About Mary."

He's Powered by Stihl. And Pronto Pups.

The cool thing is that those little fringy things were dragged right
through that awesome looking "spill."

You guys! I found them! I FOUND THE BABY JESUS'S!
In an assortment of sizes!

There was, like, a 10% chance of rain, so RAIN BOOTS IT IS!

This lady really likes purple.

Holly Hobby is here! YOU GUYS! HOLLY HOBBY!

Meh... a shirt is overrated. Let's go with the bra.

Meh... a shirt is overrated. Let's go with the tube top.

So many cankles.

This cow was soooo pregnant and yes, she's giving me a

What is actually happening I'm so confused and I'm obviously hallucinating.

A really great way to see The Fair

It isn't even so much the outfit as it is the fact that those bibs
are way too long and oh my god just THINK of the shit that
got mashed into the bottoms. 
Because taking a picture of a group of people trying to take a group picture
using a selfie stick proves that people should just go back to
asking someone passing by if they'll take their picture.

I will be honest and admit that every year when I go to The Fair, I consider NOT taking these pictures and just letting people go by without my hypercritical eye gazing at them in shock, especially since Zoe is getting older and maybe it's not setting such a great example. But then, after I took the picture of the dude with the sleeping bag-size bag of popcorn and she said "You HAVE to send me that picture. That was HILARIOUS! Who buys that much popcorn?", I looked into her sweet little face and realized that I didn't have to necessarily take the pictures when she was around... the pictures could wait until I went BACK to The Fair with my husband or my just-as-hypercritical best friend. So instead of worrying about getting a picture of everything that walked by me, I instead enjoyed a few hours with my daughter, committing some of her State Fair quotes to memory...
"That bathroom was absolutely disgusting. I think my hands are actually dirtier."
"Something smells really horrible. And I think it's a person."
"Overhearing other conversations is actually hilarious, but they're all about food!"
"That guy back there bumped into my arm with his arm, and it was the stickiest, grossest thing that has ever touched me."
"Those aren't shorts. There's no way that those are shorts."
"Hey there's lemonade. And beer right next to it! Super convenient!"
"Those girls aren't going to be able to wear those outfits to school."
"What is that on the ground? Wait, never mind. I don't want to know."
"Ohhhhh... that's a boy horse."
"So yeah... we can go home now."