Spring Break Can Be Educational

I know there are several people returning from vacations this weekend, ready to face mountains of laundry and returning to work and school. We, on the other hand, stayed in town for the week and enjoyed great weather, a break from homework and the pleasure of knowing that I didn't have to pay $12 for a cocktail. I may not be the tannest mom on the block, but at least I have my sanity. Or at least some of my sanity because even though I didn't have to travel with my kids, they insisted on hanging around and after five days of quality time, I've learned a few things:

• My kids don't listen. In fact listening, and actually reacting, to what I say is considered optional until I've repeated myself at least three times. Yeah, I said they don't listen until I repeat myself. Yes, three times. I need to repeat myself three times before they listen.
• When a kid asks "So what time are we leaving" five times in one hour, it's the equivalent of him saying "I'm an idiot and since I haven't been to school in several days, my brain is going through extreme atrophy leaving me incapable of processing and remembering the information you are giving me."
• An iPhone can be used for things like a calculator, a camera, a flashlight and a light saber. But use it as a phone and answer a call? That's just crazy talk.
• No matter how relaxed I may appear to be, when a kid doesn't listen and then tells me "Wow, you didn't need to go psycho and have a spaz," it will make me angry.
• An 11-year old does not like being called a "freak," especially by his older brother, and hearing that word will trigger pouting followed by a display of extreme rage.
• I like going to baseball games, but having to say "I'd like two Twins Dinger Dogs, please" to a man wearing a paper hat makes me feel kinda dorky, and I wish I could just say "I'd like a couple hot dogs, please."
• I have eggs in the fridge that are still white. Did I forget to dye them? No. Am I going to dye them on Saturday? No. Are my kids feeling shafted and deprived? No.
• A little girl saying "These strings are too long, I think I need a haircut" while pulling on her bangs is a classic cute-kid moment.
• Hearing a little girl sing the lyrics "Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in" is a really, really cute-kid moment.
• When the little girl says "You can pick up those toys for me, cuz that's what you're supposed to do when I forget," I immediately forget about any cute-kid moments and barely resist the temptation to throw the toys in the garbage.
• Having a built-in babysitter is a luxury that I definitely need to start taking advantage of more often.
• In a baby book, right next to "first tooth, crawled, first word" and "walked," there should be an entry for "Watched Monty Python and The Holy Grail for the first time."
• Sometimes it's okay to let the kids eat Cap'n Crunch for breakfast, without milk.
• Vodka tastes great on any day that starts with S, M, T, W or F.
• Even though I know I'm not fashionable or trendy, I feel pretty good about my wardrobe choices because after all, I've never looked stupid carrying not one, but two ginormous purses while wearing a red bandana-print dress.