Baby Anti-Shower

Since I'm a girl that prefers a pitcher of beer over a glass of wine, Metallica over Jamie Cullum and the Coen's over Nora Ephron, I consider bridal and baby showers to be the equivalent of spending two hours licking batteries while a rabid dog gnaws on my calves. Unless, of course, I'm planning and hosting the shower because then I get to be a control-freak and do whatever the hell I want.

About a month from now I will be having a baby shower for Ali, my sister-in-law. Fortunately for me Ali is pretty awesome, has realistic expectations, hasn't registered anywhere and will be happy with whatever she receives. (Unless, of course, someone buys her one of those weird hippie baby slings made out of hemp that are currently being recalled because they happen to suffocate the kid, because I have a feeling that she isn't a fan of suffocating her kid. At least not yet.) And even though I'm pretty sure that the failure to include most of the activities typically expected at a baby shower wouldn't normally cause major distress, I figured I'd better let her know in advance of what I'm NOT going to do because since she's a hormonal funhouse right now, there's no such thing as acting normally.

1. There will be no games. None. Nadda. Zero. Zilch. No Toilet Paper Belly, Baby Items Memory, Sweet Word Match, Don't Say Baby, Diaper the Baby, Candy in a Bottle, Animal Babies, Lucky Ducky Prize or My Water Broke. Not only am I convinced that these games were invented by the devil, but just saying the names of them gave me that weird watery feeling in my mouth. You know, the watery feeling that happens before you hurl.
2. Since there won't be any games being played, that means that there will be no need for prizes like candles, potpourri, picture frames or big bags of red licorice. Well, maybe there will be a big bag of licorice, but I'll be keeping that for myself.
3. Since I'm against handing out party favor bags for children's birthday parties, I have to stick to my morals and say sorry, but I won't be handing out gift bags filled with lotion, nail files, bath salts, eye masks and chocolates.
4. The reason for this shower is to say that "Ali is having a baby girl in May and it will probably hurt and when she's dilated to a six she'll wonder why in the hell she agreed to get knocked up and Jess (my brother/her husband) better quit saying 'Breathe! Just breathe' because his breath smells weird and she's going to kick his ass because she can totally kick his ass, but eventually the baby will come out, and she will be adorable and Ali will be an awesome mom." I think that incorporating a theme like Noah's Ark, Special Onesies from Special Friends, Ladies Luncheon, Disney Babies, Welcome Little Lamb or Little Buckaroo would only be a distraction from the true meaning of the shower, so therefore, there will be no theme.
5. According to the "experts," I was supposed to send out themed invitations eight or nine weeks before the date of the shower. Well, since postage is kind of expensive now and the shower is about four weeks away, all of the guests should be expecting their evite to arrive in their in-box within the next week. Or two. And since I was supposed to pick up matching thank-you notes when I was purchasing the invitations, all of the guests will receive their thank-you's in the form of a big hug and a verbal "Thank you, I love the ______," directly from the mom-to-be. So don't leave before you get your hug!
6. I guess I could have went to Archiver's and bought supplies to make my own invitations and matching thank-you's using vellum, stamps, embossing tools, foil, stickers, embellishments and what-not's, but that brings me right back to the whole "licking batteries while dogs chew on my calves" thing.
7. Regarding food, there will not be: a watermelon carved into the shape of a stroller, melon-balling of any kind, pink and blue sandwiches (WTF), edible pacifiers, crustless sandwiches, 7up punch or anything containing Jell-O.
8. There will not be a diaper cake.

What the shower will include is laughter, fun, great conversation, food that incorporates meat and carbs (and crusts), beverages that incorporate booze (sorry, Ali but the rest of us aren't pregnant), some decorations and when it's all over with, my niece will hopefully have received some cool gifts. Which reminds me, while I was running errands the other day I came across the perfect gift for her:

Hmmm....perhaps I should be rethinking this whole anti-theme stance, since it's still not too late to incorporate a Camo/Redneck/ Deer Hunting theme. I could slice up some venison sausage and serve it with Velveeta, saltines and a Pabst. Yep, Ali's gonna love this baby shower.