One of my best girlfriends is single, or at least used to be single before she recently started dating someone. She had a crazy-busy life with two kids and a job before she met this guy-that-doesn't-make-her-want-to-chop-her-head-off, so now that she has added a boyfriend into her schedule, I don't see her nearly enough. But that's okay, since: A) We don't always have to catch up over drinks, because (even though it's not as much fun) there's always email or a phone call, and B) Every girl needs to get laid once in a while.
Anyway, when we find the time to go out we always have fun bitching about things and laughing at people. Inevitably, at some point in the evening, a weird guy or three attempts to strike up a witty conversation, only to fail miserably. Since my friend is remarkably easy on the eyes and doesn't wear a wedding ring, a large majority of the pointless chit-chat is aimed in her direction and I am more than happy to fulfill the role of "overly-suspicious married girl who will glare and give every guy the third-degree." During these happy hours, we have heard the most bizarre lines imaginable:
- Do you like banana cream pie? I have some banana cream pie.
- Do you know a good place to go salsa dancing?
- You kind of look like a mom. How many kids do you have?
- I like it when a girl doesn't dress slutty.
- That was neat how you used your ponytail to get that bug off of your back.
- Your shoes are interesting.
- So what is it that you do, anyway? Oh, you have kids. So, what is it that you do all day, anyway?
Last week I was lucky enough to be able to take the kids to the first pre-season Twins game at Target Field and all of the fans were in a great mood. Since the game was on a Friday evening, I was expecting to be entertained by groups of beer-drinking guys enjoying an outdoor baseball game. Instead, I spent 20 minutes listening to a pissed off married couple standing behind me in the slowest-moving concession stand line to ever exist.
They were loudly discussing a party and what they were going to bring, what time they were going to get there and who else was going to be there. The conversation escalated into her snapping at him, then he snapped at her, then she said stop being an asshole, and he said well then stop acting pissy, then she said fuck off, and he said wow this is fun, I need a beer. I, of course, minded my own business by turning around slowly and giving them an "Excuse me dumb shits, but everyone can hear you so shut the fuck up" look.
Sometimes I have to remind myself that even though my job isn't glamorous and I don't go to nightclubs every weekend and I've been married to the same person for over 16 years, my life is pretty great because I don't have to look glamorous and I don't have to deal with stupid pick-up lines at nightclubs every weekend and I've been lucky enough to be married to the same person for over 16 years. A person that is nice to me, respects me, knows that I hate banana cream pie, isn't afraid to laugh at me and knows to never accuse me of acting pissy. At least not while we're in public.