Singing For Science

Some important statistics regarding the school year:

• The first day of school was on September 8, 2009.
• The last day of school is on June 11, 2010.
• As of today there are 38 school days remaining.
• Between September 8 and today, my eighth grader has completed 18 science projects worth a total of approximately 1400 points. These projects have almost always overlapped with extended school breaks, long weekends and/or holidays and have consisted of creating a constellation out of a pop can, constructing a diorama, performing a couple skits, producing a weather presentation, designing a placemat, a travel brochure, completing a couple weather experiments and 11 other projects.
• Because of this school year, I have went through more bottles of vodka than I'd like to admit, plus I've been known to drink a beer here and there and maybe even indulge in a margarita or two.
• We are now in the middle of project number 19, and at this point I am now eyeing the rum.

Project No. 19 is a group project. Each group must perform an eight-minute skit, that also includes a song, about the Earth's "Ring of Fire" which, if you're wondering, is an arc that is composed of over 75% of the world's dormant and active volcanos and stretches from New Zealand, along the eastern edge of Asia, north across the Aleutian Islands of Alaska, and south along the coast of North and South America. Obviously, it makes perfect sense to incorporate this type of topic into a song, and the best part of the project is that the kids aren't allowed to be creative and choose or make up their own song: they're required to use Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" which, by the way, I always thought was a song about hemorrhoids.

In an attempt to commemorate the project-induced frustrations that I have endured, and to celebrate the end of the school year that is fast approaching, I have decided to be nice and write a couple verses for them, all to the tune of "Ring of Fire." So here you go, Mr. Eighth Grade Science Teacher Man -- this one's for you:

Oh you suck, you're kind of a jerk

Those projects are too much work

You teach 8th grade, not a college class

I wish you'd kiss my ass

I fell into a pit of depression

When my kid couldn't make a good impression

Because you grade, grade, grade

So weird and arbitrarily

and often unfairly

I know, you expect a lot

And my kid has given all he's got

But never, were you satisfied

Until a few kids cried.

I think that your projects are so pointless

That UFO we built is nothing less than completely useless

And you should know

That we are tired

And wouldn't mind it at all if you decided to take a trip for an indefinite length of time to the ring of fire.