Sunday, April 25, 2010

Hi, I'm Dick, and I'll Be Your Personal Trainer

When you sign up for a new membership at our health club (I don't know if I should name the club specifically, but let's just say that it's not LA Fitness, Snap Fitness, Bally's or Anytime Fitness.) you get a free initial consultation with a personal trainer. While I agree that there are some people that derive huge benefits from using a personal trainer, I don't think that they're for everybody. And if you asked me what I thought of the trainer giving the free consultation that I overheard last week, I'd say that no one should work with this particular asshole. Ever.

The following is a fairly accurate transcript of what I a) overheard and; b) was able to decipher, based on the tone of his voice and the look in his eye:

So, hi, you're new to this club. Have you ever worked out before? It doesn't look like you've been working out at all.

Umm, well, I get busy, and don't have a routine right now.

Yeah, I can tell. You have some extra weight. You must have a desk job that allows you to go out to lunch and eat crap every day. It's going to be hard to introduce a new routine. Are you sure you're up to the challenge? It's really hard, especially for people like you.

Well, I, umm, I thought so. That's why I have bought a membership. I'd like to...

So really, what are your goals? Is weight loss one of them, because if not it definitely should be. I can't believe I have to sit here for twenty minutes and talk to you about all of this when I could be over by the free weights watching that chick do squats.

I've gained a couple pounds here and there, but am hoping to lose it. Which is why I want to work out.

Are you going to actually use this membership, or are you going to have to cancel it for financial reasons? You aren't wearing a color-coordinated Nike outfit, there isn't a yoga mat tucked under your arm and your shoes kind of suck, so you don't appear to have the cash-ola to pay for this membership.

Well, the membership is kind of expensive, but I'm hoping to...

So you're saying you can't really afford this membership, and it's going to strain you financially? Well, you have to commit, you know. Financially and physically. Are you willing to make that commitment? I hope you're not, because since you're not a blonde 24-year-old, I don't really want to work with you.

Yes, I'd like to make it work. My health is important to me beca...

Well, do you know that the services you receive from a personal trainer aren't included in the price of your membership? Our fees are in addition to the membership fee, and if that's already going to stretch your finances, I don't know how much more of a commitment you can make. We can't help you if you can't pay, lady. And please note, I am talking extra loud because you appear to have a bit of an accent, so by raising the volume of my voice I'm hoping that you have a better chance of understanding me when I tell you that in addition to looking fat, you look poor.

Oh, well, I thought with the free consultation you could get me started on a program and show me around and demonstrate some of the machines.

What? Member services never gave you a tour? (ssssssiiiiiggggghhh). Well, I suppose I could give you a tour, even though a lot of the services you'll see have fees that are in addition to your membership. By the way, what are your eating habits like? Are you interested in nutrition? It doesn't seem that way, because like I said before, you're kind of fat.

Well, I, er, um...

None of that sounds good. You must eat out, which surprises me because you don't look like you have enough money to pay for this membership, let alone eat out.

I guess I eat out some, but not every day.

Well, whatever. I guess I should show you around, even though I don't really want to, so follow me this way and I'll point to all kinds of cool things like the pilates and yoga studio, salon services, the tennis courts and the massage/chiropractic center, all of which cost extra in addition to your membership fee.

Oh yeah, and by the way: Welcome to Lifetime Fitness.

4 comments:

MinaAriel said...

Hilarious! I joined a "gym" last week and am terrified of making that trainer's appt!

lucas's mama said...

HAHAHA. All the more reason to NEVER have a personal trainer. What a douche bag.

Barbara said...

Mine was great. The trainer made me do all of these tests (sit-ups, push-ups etc.) to gage my fitness level and as I was doing them he said, "you have kids, don't you?" When I responded "yes," the trainer said "I can always tell if a woman has children because moms are always stronger."

Bruce said...

Ugh! Trust me, it's not just Lifetime. I joined L.A. Fitness last year just so that I could swim laps. No one warned me about the personal trainers and when I met with her (I think it was a her...that's another story entirely) she make me do her standard consultation and a brief workout. It wasn't too tough, but I see them doing this with every person that walks in the door. Now, that 350 lb woman should NOT be doing lunges. I keep expecting to hear that someone got seriously injured with what they put some people through when they don't consider what their body is capable of.

MiniArial, skip the training consultation at all costs. It's usually a hard sell and it's nothing that you can't do on your own.