Spring Non-Essentials

Even though I am married to a person that reads more books a year than anyone I know, I don't read nearly as many books as I used to. And when I say "nearly as many," it's really just another way of saying I don't read books. It's not that I don't have the desire to read, it's just that every time I try to focus on more than three pages at a time my head starts bobbing back and forth, my eyelids slam shut and I fall asleep. So instead of inducing narcolepsy by reading books, I read the newspaper every day and other things that don't require long stretches of concentration, like magazines.

Anyone that knows me at all will support my admission that I am clueless when it comes to fashion and style. I don't wear heels, I don't buy designer denim, my absence of a curvy figure omits anything low-cut and I don't wear jewelry. Despite this mild retardation when it comes to putting an outfit together that doesn't involve yoga pants and a hoodie, I do have a subscription to "In Style." But how I ended up with a subscription to "W" magazine is more than a little bewildering because there is no way in hell that I would have ever paid money for this oversized publication filled with overpriced, oftentimes hideous, crap.

Since it arrived in my mailbox and I'm always up for a good laugh, I thought I'd take a break from the sports section and see what the fashion world is up to. After I got past an ad for Marc Jacobs featuring a model standing in a toilet and a picture of a dress made from ostrich feathers, I came across an article titled "Cheat Sheet to Spring's Must-Haves." Obviously everyone has a different perspective on what defines a "must-have" and judging by W's list, some people in this world are, in fact, insane.

When I saw the prices attached to some of the items, the first thing I thought was holy shit what the fuck. And then I started thinking about the other, much cooler things (in my opinion) that could be purchased with the same amount of money:

Ralph Lauren sandal - $1,950. Ten pairs of sandals at Target and two pedicures a month for a year, including tip. Depending on where I get the pedi, there might even be enough leftover for a manicure or three.

David Yurman watch - $13,500. Three watches from Fossil. Also, two new tennis racquets for each of the three kids and one private tennis lesson a week for each kid, for a year, monthly club dues included.

Blumarine cardigan - $1,630. Five cardigans at JCrew, a sweatshirt for each of the kids, and 30 take-out lunches to be eaten at the park.

Chopard watch - $20,300. Three years of weekly piano lessons for the kids. Oh yeah, and a three-week Hawaii vacation with first-class airfare.

Bottega Veneta bag - $1,550. Twenty sessions with a personal trainer, followed by a bacon cheeseburger and an Extra Pale Ale after each workout.

Tom Ford eyewear - $420. Fifteen pairs of sunglasses at Target, none of which will cause tears to be shed when they are sat on/driven over/lost/mangled.

St. John's Couture jacket - $2,595. A jacket from REI that's actually wearable for each member of my family, and Sunday morning breakfast at Original Pancake House for a year.

Erdem dress - $5,445. Three dresses for Zoe from Mini Boden, 100 martinis for me, a few beers for Doug and maybe even some chips and salsa. And a 50" plasma TV.

J Brand shorts - $158. Three pairs of shorts at the Gap that actually fit a girl that has leg strength and doesn't have an eating disorder.

Eugenia Kim hat - $215. One baseball hat that can be worn to the bar ten times, where I will happily order onion rings and two glasses of Fat Tire on tap.

Nicole Miller top - $375. A top off of the sale rack at Banana Republic, and one year of HBO and Showtime.

Christian Louboutin bootie - $1,595. Six pairs of new shoes for each of the kids. Well, eight pair for Zoe because she's a girl.

Clinique All About Eyes Serum - $25.50. Okay, this one actually makes sense. In fact, I might be buying it in bulk.