One thing that got me through this hour-and-a-half of mouth-breathing was knowing that I was grilling steaks for dinner. Unfortunately, I also knew that I had to stop at the grocery store after the recital to buy these steaks, which meant that Zach had to come with me. Imagine my surprise, then, when the shopping experience did not consist of him following me around the store, sighing loudly at every opportunity and complaining about it taking too long. In fact, we actually had a great time together because we made fun of everyone else.
The grocery store we stopped at is located in a suburb that I'm not exactly sure how to describe, so I'll just call it "Home of the Dickheads and Overpopulated With Assholes and Bitches." You're probably wondering why I bothered to subject myself to such a pretentious shopping experience, and the answer is: the ribeyes were on sale.
While we were waiting in line at the deli, a woman whose hair was 19 different shades of blonde, had a purse so big that it wouldn't have qualified as carry-on baggage and was apparently incapable of removing her ginormous sunglasses while indoors wandered up and waited behind me. When the deli lady asked her if she needed help, she hollered "Why yes, I do! Thank you sweetheart!" and then for some reason she started laughing like a hyena. Zach looked at me like "holy crap did you hear that what in the hell is wrong with this woman" and I gave him the exact same look. She then proceeded to tell the deli lady that she wanted turkey, but not just any old turkey. She wanted something different and amazing. Something that was really unique and had some zing. No shit. She used all of these adjectives for turkey. She then proceeded to shout at the deli lady, calling her girlfriend, honey, sistah and then sweetheart one more time before she finally wandered toward the floral section.
A couple minutes later, we saw another woman (also with her sunglasses on) that was talking REALLY LOUDLY TO HER TWO DAUGHTERS TELLING THEM THAT THEY WERE MAKING SPECTACULAR CHOICES IN THE CRACKER AISLE AND OH MY STARS THOSE CRACKERS LOOK DELISH WOW MY LITTLE DARLINGS ARE AMAZING! Again, Zach looked at me and actually said "Holy crap, is everyone at this store insane? I hate it when people talk so loud and fake and stuck-up. They don't look cool, they look stupid." So there you have it, loud stuck-up bitches: teenage boys think you look, and sound, like morons.
Now, I could have taken the mature route and told my kid to just ignore them and be nice because gee whiz, everyone has their own insecurities and mannerisms and some people need more attention than others, but that wouldn't have been very fun. So instead Zach and I wandered through the store, shouting at each other. In produce I shouted "Ooooh yummy! Smell the delectable ripeness of these pears Zach! They smell amazing and scrumptious!" In the condiment aisle, Zach yelled "Wow! That ketchup is so red! It's spectacular!" In the bakery I hollered "Wow! These hot dog buns are so soft and fresh! I bet they're delightful!"
While I was shouting about some chips and turning into an aisle, I had to stop because the cracker lady was standing in my way, loudly reciting the entire inventory of the olive oil shelf. She was so impressed by the sound of her own voice that she didn't hear me say "excuse me" twice. Finally she noticed me and said "Oh. I'm in the way aren't I. Where did everyone go? I need to go find my Jessica. JESSICA!" Then Zach said "I think if I go lay down over there, block the entire aisle and shout at the ceiling, I'd be less annoying than that woman."
I'm proud of the fact that my kids get good grades and put a lot of effort into their sports and music. Of course they piss me off sometimes, but when they display great instincts and are able to identify the morons of the world with such precision, these are the moments that tell me yeah, I really am doing something right.