The Brown Stain, Vol. 2

Now that March has arrived and the temperature is slowly rising the snow and ice is finally melting. While this is great for the streets and sidewalks, it's not so great for our backyard and more specifically, our patio. I guess I should be happy that the dog finally quit crapping on the deck and I don't have to look at the equivalent of an overturned outhouse every time I open the door. But unfortunately now that the snow melted on the patio, we have a turd field that is visible from the great room window. Over the weekend I got sick of staring at the ever-expanding appetite suppressant so I ventured out there wearing shoes that I didn't care about and a pair of rubber gloves. During this disgusting half-hour of my life, I discovered the following:

• My dog shits a lot.
• A pooper scooper is useless on previously frozen dog shit, and instead creates the visual equivalent of a poop snow cone.
• A garden trowel is a multi-seasonal tool and can be used to scoop more than just dirt.
• Maybe stapling a dog's ass shut shouldn't be considered abuse.
• A sense of smell is an overrated luxury, and should come with a switch.
• A gag reflex is easier to trigger than I thought.

To think that this is only round one of the spring de-shitting makes my head spin, but considering the fact that our dog is really old and hasn't ventured off of the deck or patio since it snowed, there can't be much crap in the yard. If spending one disgusting, nausea-inducing, hellacious Sunday morning dealing with dog shit is the grossest thing I'll have to do for the next month, then I guess I can handle it. After all, moms deal with gross things all the time, right?

While Doug and I were watching a movie on Sunday evening, the dog wandered over to where I was sitting on the floor and actually sat on my lap so that I could pet him. By now I had pretty much forgotten about the horrific experience that had occurred just nine hours earlier, so I happily scratched his ears and said "good dog" instead of "get away from me you stinky shit factory." After a couple minutes he left, which is good because something was starting to smell weird.

After he got up, I pulled my knees up and noticed a sticky brown smudge on my leg (and of course I was wearing my favorite cream-colored Gap sweats). At first I thought maybe I had sat on a chocolate chip from the trail mix that the kids were eating earlier, and even though I hate chocolate and the thought of chocolate on my pants pissed me off I really hoped that it was a chocolate chip, because if it wasn't a chocolate chip then that means it was...(sniff sniff) OH MY GOD! THERE IS DOG SHIT ON MY LEG! MY DOG WIPED HIS ASS ON MY LEG!

I guess when I go out in a month and complete the disgusting chore of picking up the winter crap I won't bother using another pair of rubber gloves because I'll just use my favorite Gap sweats instead. Stupid gross dog leaving shit on my leg. Yuck.