A Few Random Thoughts

Over the last few days I have tried to be more patient and aware of the people around me and as a result, I've learned a couple things. None of it seemed important enough to write an entire post about, and when lumped together into one entry they still don't seem very important. But here they are anyway.

• If the providers at certain medical facilities would like to see their female patients on a more regular basis, maybe the Ob/Gyn should start offering complimentary bikini waxes with an exam, a mammogram should come with a massage and the dentist should offer free lip waxes anytime the drill comes out.
• Along those same lines, when a guy signs up for a gym membership he should be required to receive a complimentary back wax.
• If you want to fit into a pair of jeans that are sized in the single digits but like to eat actual food and drink beer that doesn't taste like shit, shop at the Gap.
• Radiohead is great music to listen to in the car, at a party or at the bar. But is it great for a workout? With the exception of "15 Step," not so much. All it did was make me thirsty for something other than water and make me wish that I was either at a party or at the bar.
• I overheard the following conversation in the grocery store: "Can I have candy? No. Please I want candy! No. How come I can't have candy, because I really want some! Not now no candy. Candy candy candy you get me a treat! I said no. BUT MAAAAAWWWM I WAAAAAANT CAAAAANNNNNDEEEEEE! Oh, okay, here." Sorry lady but you just screwed yourself and yes, I saw your kid smirk at you.
• After a recent trip to the dentist it has occurred to me that four shots of booze would have the same numbing effects as two shots of novocaine, but would be a hell of a lot more enjoyable and my nose wouldn't have still been numb three hours later.
• Anyone who has had plastic surgery that isn't medically necessary automatically forfeits any and all rights to criticize or laugh at those of us that haven't been stretched, stitched, augmented or lifted and aren't hauling around coconut-sized sacks of silicone.
• There are a lot of women this year that have decided to completely ignore the pick-up procedures at school. Here's the thing, other moms aren't looking at you sitting in your fancy SUV because we're impressed by your car and think you're a rebel because you are breaking the rules. We are glaring in your direction with flames shooting out of our eyes because we hate you. We don't think your car is anything special, we hate your stuck-up attitude, we hate the fact that you're sending a message to your kids that it's okay to be an inconsiderate moron, we hate that you sit there and talk on your Bedazzled cell phone and never notice that you're blocking traffic, we hate your ginormous celebrity wanna-be sunglasses that you wear even when it's cloudy and we wish you would either get a clue or go away.
• I'm pretty sure that the whacked-out mom at the post office, despite what the words to her song implied, wasn't there with her little girl to buy "stamp stamp stampity stamps oh la la la so here we go along we go la la to get the stamp stampity stampy stamps." I think she was just getting stamps.
• I will stop picking on vegetarians when they: A) Stop being a pain in the ass. There is really nothing worse than going out with someone who gets pleasure out of being high maintenance and bringing attention to themselves and their wacked-out dietary choices by questioning each and every ingredient. Oh, and here's a little secret: When you ask the server if the kitchen uses vegetable stock for the soup, the server will say yes and the stock is made with chickens. And B) Stop giving me nasty looks as I sink my teeth into a bacon cheeseburger and let the grease drip down my chin. Just quietly enjoy your BLT made with Fakin' Bacon and let me enjoy the fact that my meal is better than yours. Ah, who am I kidding, I will never stop picking on vegetarians, but if they weren't such a pain I'd probably pick on them a little less.