Star Of The Week

A few years ago, when Zach was a fifth grader and Charlie was in third, I allowed myself to drink a couple extra back-to-school celebratory cocktails because it meant that after five years of assembling Star Of The Week (SOTW) posters, I was beginning my three-year reprieve.

In kindergarten, SOTW means that the kid gets to wear a star necklace, spend five days sharing fun facts about themselves, sit on a star rug, and be a line leader. The teachers like to think that it helps build respect and understanding for one another, and build a stronger classroom community. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that the other kids mutter a G-rated version of "Stupid stuck up bitch" when the SOTW is wearing her necklace and sitting on the star rug.

Now that Zoe is in school, I'm back to having to celebrate SOTW, and the school has made a few changes to the program. Apparently they realized that the posters had become yet another way for moms to one-up each other, trying to see who could spend the most money at Archivers or JoAnn in an attempt to make the other children feel even more inferior. "Look, my mom used swirlybobs, rose embellishments, and butterfllies, and decoupaged my curvy cut picture on a piece of vellum, which is attached to foam core using flower eyelets, and then she used glimmer mist spray to add a special touch of shine."

Now the teachers send home a booklet that has been pre-printed with questions on plain white copy paper, and I'm supposed to add pictures and "help" Zoe fill in the blanks. I may have to revise our answers a little bit, since the space provided in the booklet is kind of small.

My full name is: Zoe Joy Adkins, but for some reason people sometimes call me "Stinker Face, Fart Queen," or "What Were You Thinking." I prefer to be called Zoe.

The best thing about me is: Well, everything, duh. If someone doesn't agree with me, then that means they're stupid.

My family pet is a ___, and it's name is: We have a dog. At least, I think it's a dog. Do dogs smell bad and sometimes poop on the floor? Yes? Okay, then yes, we have a dog. His name is Cosmo, he's really super old, and he smells bad and sometimes poops on the floor.

I have lost ___ baby teeth: Zero, okay? Go ahead, rub it in. Stupid Tooth Fairy, who needs her?

The color of my hair is: Brown. But in the summer I get these really cool highlights without even trying, and it seems to irritate my mom, because whenever she brushes my hair I hear her mutter, "It's not fair. It's just not fair. I pay for my color and it never looks this great."

I am ___ years old, and my birthday is on: I'm five and a half. Don't forget the half or I'll have to hurt you. Sometimes that extra half year comes back to bite me in the butt, because if I'm screaming about something that's not going my way, my mom will say, "Zoe, five-and-a-half-year-olds do not act like that, only five-year-olds do." So sometimes, getting older really sucks. Oh, my birthday is on June 2. It's an awesome day to have a birthday.

My favorite food is: Pears, strawberries, noodles, bacon, apples, cheese pizza, grapes, ham sandwiches with lettuce, pasta, raw carrots, red peppers, macaroni, and noodles.

Please do not feed me: Noodles with more than a tablespoon of sauce, cheese other than muenster, onions, broccoli, cooked carrots, anything spicier than air, blemished fruit, mashed potatoes, olives, or baked beans unless you want me to gag.

I really like to: Swim. Swimming is fun. But I also really like to play video games, run around pretending to be a dog, sing, dance, win, shake my butt, color, hog attention, yell at Charlie, and play Uno. Oh, and I'm an awesome tennis player.

When I grow up I want to be a: Doctor. I'm really good at putting Band-Aids on, but I have a tendency to burst into tears when I see that someone has a bloody ow, so who knows.

A few more pieces of critical information: My favorite number is 100, I like to play with my Playmobil camper, Halloween is the funnest holiday ever, I like things that are pink (but not ugly pink), I can't wait for Spring, I will never get sick of reading "The Monster At The End Of This Book" or watching "Spongebob," Sundays are fun, and is there any animal cooler than a zebra? I didn't think so.