Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Play-Doh Is A Synonym For Hell

Things that I would rather do than spend an afternoon playing with Play-Doh:
  1. Wash my hair with roofing tar.
  2. Be a member of a moms club.
  3. Have an acupuncture treatment, on my eyeballs.
  4. Iron, and then wear, a pleated skirt.
  5. Talk to Paris Hilton about the meaning of life.
  6. Watch a marathon of Sylvester Stallone comedy films.
  7. Dry my face with 40-grit sandpaper.
  8. Drink a cocktail made with gin and Jagermeister.
  9. Go shopping with one of the moms featured on "Toddlers & Tiaras."
  10. Affix hunks of meat to myself with a staple gun and spend some time at the zoo, hanging out in the tiger exhibit saying, "Here, kitty kitty."
I hate Play-Doh. I hate the smell, the texture, the smell, the way it gets under fingernails, watching kids "pretend" to eat it, and the smell. From as long as I can remember, seeing someone mix the colors together gives me mini-anxiety attacks. I hate that little bits of it fall all over the floor, only to be stepped on and jammed into socks, which will eventually be jammed into carpeting, or eaten by the stupid dog, who will then throw up even more than usual. The worst invention ever is the "Play-Doh Extruder," which looks an awful lot like someone taking a crap, but is supposed to resemble a snake, hair, or even worse...spaghetti.

Zach hates Play-Doh as much as I do, and has always preferred to leave the hunk of dough in a monochromatic, dent-free shape of a cylinder. Charlie is always willing to pick up a wad of the crap and play with Zoe, who is sort of obsessed with it, and will cut a purple rope into the smallest pieces of shrapnel and call it rice. It's almost like she knows how much it annoys me.

Yesterday I gave in and pulled out a couple cans of dough, the box of rolling pins and a few cutters, but drew the line at the extruder. As little bits of dough showered the floor, she kept glancing my way, waiting for me to pounce on the situation with the Dust Buster. Does it matter that she was making star "cookies" for the boys and being creative? No, because I hate Play-Doh.

After about ten minutes of chopping and molding the cans of hell, she decided she was done and wanted to watch "The Spongebob Movie" instead. I happily agreed, and also got her a bowl of Pirate's Booty which, coincidentally, I hate almost as much as Play-Doh. I mean, would I rather dry my face with 40-grit sandpaper than eat Pirate's Booty? No. But 150-grit? Possibly.


ES said...

Yes! I knew after yesterday's status a Play-Doh related blog entry was on its way. Just reading this made me want to scrape under my fingernails and comb the floor for colorful bits of hell. Thank goodness my kids are into at the moment, Duplos and Little People are much less painful to clean up.

Anonymous said...

A word of advice from someone who is okay with Play Doh: Don't EVER get Moon Sand for your children!