Friday, January 8, 2010

The Digital Morning

I've noticed that for a couple hours every weekday morning, I say the same shit over and over again at exactly the same times. Sometimes there are slight variations, but for the most part it's pretty predictable. In order to save my sanity, I've decided to put these phrases on a digital voice recorder. From now on, all I'll have to do is push play and then I'll be able to spend my mornings sucking down coffee, reading the paper, working out, and maybe even indulging in a conversation-free shower.

6:30 No, stupid dog. Go back outside and pee for real this time.
6:50 Zach, you have to cut a few minutes off of your shower.
7:05 Zach, please go brush your teeth.
7:08 Please finish getting ready and then you can read the paper.
7:10 Go brush your teeth, NOW!
7:23 Get your shoes on, the bus is coming soon.
7:25 If you miss the bus, I will be the unhappiest person alive.
7:26 GET GOING! THE BUS IS COMING! And zip your coat up.
7:30 Oh, hi Charlie. What's that? Grumble, grumble?
7:45 Get out of bed, Zoe. Yes, now. No, not in five minutes. Now.
7:50 Your waffle is ready, Zoe. Get out of bed!
8:00 Zoe, please eat your breakfast, and go practice piano, Charlie.
8:05 Goodbye, Doug. Have a lovely day.
8:15 Zoe, finish your breakfast. You need to get dressed.
8:17 No, you cannot have more whipped cream.
8:20 You're done? Okay, brush your teeth and get dressed.
8:24 Quit dancing in your underwear and get dressed!
8:28 Yes, we need to brush your hair. No, it won't hurt.
8:30 Don't play anything that will make her cry or get all sweaty.
8:31 I'm going to go take a shower/workout/smoke a joint.
8:36 (while showering) Don't scream over a game of Uno!
8:40 No, you can't have chocolate. It's 8:40. Let me get ready.
8:48 No, you can't have gum. Let me dry my hair.
8:55 No, you can't build a fort. We're leaving in 7 minutes.
8:58 Why must every morning include an argument?
9:02 Please get your boots on. Do you have a snack?
9:03 Yes, you need a hat and mittens. Get your backpack.
9:12 Bye! And Zoe, don't hit anyone with your backpack today.


Anonymous said...

Do you really have to tell Doug not to dance around in his underwear?

The Mean Mom said...

By the time I get around to this phrase, he's been on the freeway for 20 minutes, and I'm pretty sure that when he's in his car, all he's doing is driving.