Basic Amenities

I am trying to schedule a vacation. Though the end result will (hopefully) be a relaxing week at a non-sucky resort without any major illnesses or catastrophes, the process of getting to that point is a little tricky. Because of Zach's upcoming tennis season, and in order to avoid missed school days and/or paying absurdly high rates, we aren't going anywhere until June. But it's never too early to start planning.

When Doug and I took vacations pre-kids, all we really cared about was whether there was an on-site bar, and a TV and king size bed in our room. Now that three kids are included, and I don't really enjoy spending a week with my family sharing one bathroom and being crammed into a space the size of my bedroom at home, I have definitely figured out what additional amenities are nice to have, and what is absolutely-can't-live-without-it necessary.

Really, Really Nice to Have:

• Three bedrooms
• At least two bathrooms, with double sinks
• Full size refrigerator in a full size kitchen
• On-site crack dealer
• Microwave
• In room washer & dryer
• No one else staying at the resort
• Room service
• Twice-a-day housekeeping
• Several heated pools

Absolutely Necessary:

• Two bug-free bedrooms
• Two bathrooms, with toilets that don't run continuously
• Mini fridge that isn't already stocked with $10 miniature bottles of booze
• On-site washer & dryer
• Balcony, so when I smoke a joint it doesn't stink up the room
• A pool that's warmer than 70 degrees
• Neighbors that don't fly a Confederate flag.
• Housekeeping that shows up and doesn't leave dirty rags on the floor
• The little sign on the back of my pool chair that says "Need Drink. NOW!"

Before the days of checked baggage fees, I could bring tons of clothes and always thought that doing laundry while on vacation was a sign of insanity. It's only a week, right? But now that the kids are bigger, and sweatier, the thought of having dirty clothes sit untouched for an entire week gives me seizures.

On-site coin operated laundry is fine, but having an in-room washer and dryer is a luxury that I will never, ever take for granted. To be able to throw in a load of tennis clothes, sandy swimsuits, or a shirt that I might have dribbled a drink on pushes my vacation brain into a new level of relaxation. Keeping this in mind, I'm trying to figure out how I voluntarily booked a week in Tucson last year, at a resort that doesn't have any laundry facilities anywhere on-site.

Not wanting to waste vacation time sitting at a laundromat, I instead washed out sweaty tennis clothes, swimsuits, and workout clothes in the bathtub. Since the air was so dry outside, I could hang the washed clothes on the balcony and they would be dry in about 12 minutes. No, it wasn't glamorous, but I saved a lot of quarters and justified a lot of extra cocktails.

This year, I informed Zach that I am, without a doubt, checking us all into a resort that has a washer and dryer in the room. He seemed bewildered by my excitement, and pointed out the fact that even though we didn't have a washer and dryer in Tucson, he always had clean tennis clothes.

"You had clean clothes because I washed them in the bathtub every evening." Why was I shocked that he didn't realize this?

"Really? You did that? Wow, that must have been a huge pain. I just thought they, well, I don't really know what I thought. Well, thanks. That's cool that you did that."

I think I actually wiped a tear from my eye, and am still in shock.