Thursday, February 25, 2010

Jack's Story

After Charlie was born in August of 1998, I knew immediately that I would eventually want three kids. Zach was such an amazing big brother, Charlie was an easy baby and I wasn't ready to be done. I didn't have the feelings of: "I never want to be pregnant again. Keep all babies away from me. No I don't want to hold your baby. Why doesn't the baby hold it's own head up?" Those feelings arrived after Zoe was born.

We wanted our third kid to arrive about the same time that Charlie turned five and sure enough, I got pregnant and had a due date in July, 2003. Everything was going fine, the pregnancy was easy and I sailed through the first trimester. While at my 20-week appointment, however, my doctor realized that the nurses had failed to do some routine testing that is normally done at the 16-week appointment. The testing was rushed, an ultrasound was performed and that's when in addition to finding out that we were having a third boy, I also mutated into a giant red flag.

One major medical issue after another was brought to our attention basically resulting in us being told that, "Your baby is really, really not healthy, and if he even makes it to full term, will need several invasive surgical procedures immediately after birth and probably throughout his life which, because of other issues, will be very difficult."

Additional testing and ultrasounds were scheduled, including an amnio appointment on my birthday, and all tests came back positive for everything we were hoping was a false alarm. After receiving all of the information, we then had to make the decision of whether we were going to continue the pregnancy (and guarantee to our unborn child that he would have an extremely compromised quality of life filled with obstacles and also change our lives, and Zach and Charlie's lives, forever), or if we were going to terminate the pregnancy.

What I quickly learned is that it's impossible to say with any amount of certainty what you will do in specific situations until the decision is actually in your face and yours to make. It was a lot like someone saying to us: "You have to have one of your hands chopped off, but you get to choose whether it's the left or the right hand. Which way will it suck less?" Because either way, it sucks. Bad.

People always say that a parent's job is to be an advocate for their kid and always try to provide the best quality of life. So, when does that role begin? After birth, or when you're given the pre-natal testing results? Could we knowingly bring a child into this world that, if he survived, wouldn't experience things to the fullest, all because his father and I didn't have the balls to make a tough decision when we were handed the information? Could we change Zach and Charlie's lives forever, forcing them to make future sacrifices that they had no control over?

After spending a couple of rotten, shitty days processing the information and considering all of the possible scenarios, we decided to terminate the pregnancy. So on February 25, 2003 I went through labor induction, eight hours of contractions (with an epidural, obviously) and then Jack Adkins, at 21 weeks, was stillborn.

Telling the boys was brutal. Zach was old enough to get it, and he cried. Charlie was only four and all he said was, "So this baby is sick, but the next baby we'll get to keep." They're the ones that chose the name Jack.

It has now been seven years since we went through this hellish experience. Does it still suck? Absolutely. But as crappy as those days and the months following were, great things came out of it too. Amazing friends showed up at my front door with support, our families never doubted our decision and a year later, in June of 2004 right before Charlie turned six, Zoe Joy Adkins arrived.

11 comments:

SC said...

damn that was so sad... I am actually crying on the city bus

BRK said...

Whew. The story doesn't get easier to read even after a time or four. No person—parent or not—wouldn't be able to empathize with the pain you went through. But very few of us will be able to understand it. Thank you for your bravery in sharing it.

Anonymous said...

Thinking of you. Sept 12 is my day to reflect....glad you are able to share and have such support.

Anonymous said...

Jody - it so amazing that you are able to share this with others. Dad and I remember well the HELL you and Doug went thru and we have been so proud of the way you were able to handle the toughest choice of your life. If you blog does only one thing it is our hope that your sharing this will help some other family in this type of crisis. Know we love your and are proud of what you had to do and how you have handled it....God loves you too. MOM

MARJORIE said...

what a horrible thing to have to go through...it sounds like you made the right decision, as wrenching as it must have been...thank goodness you are blessed with such a wonderful family and friends...thank you for sharing your story

Anonymous said...

Amazing post, and a good reminder that life is precious... thanks for sharing!

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry you had to go through this. My sister had a similar situation. At the 20-week ultrasound, they found out he had anencephaly - no brain. They made the same choice to deliver early. It was an impossible decision - pain and suffering no matter what they chose. Thank you for sharing your story!

Amy Davis said...

Oh Jody, what a story. I was crying as it was, and then read your mom's commment and did so even more. That day means a lot to me, too--Feb. 25th was the day of my grandma's funeral, and also the birthday of my sweetheart of a niece, Kyleigh. Now it means so much more. OXO

Namu Williams said...

Jody, thanks a lot for sharing. My wife and I lost a baby at almost 6 months, and it was terrifying. When we finally got pregnant again, we had a preliminary test result that recommended we get the amniocentesis and we then had a whole lot of soul-searching to do - what if he will be born with a life-altering problem? We applaud your decision, and it would have been ours as well. But, luckily for us, we didn't have to make that choice and our son Roman Ali was born happy and healthy.

You're a great writer, too. You draw the reader in!

Annette J said...

What a deeply personal story to share. You are a brave woman. No one should ever have to make such a heart-wrenching decision, however, it sure as hell shouldn't be made for you by the government. Those b*%#*@s have no clue. And, for whatever it's worth... I think you made the right decision. I hope you never have any regrets.

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing this. I was an older mother when I got pregnant with my now 5 year old daughter, (which was a miracle in and of itself), and I remember SO well the agonizing worry waiting for all of those same test results, and the horrible weekend spent soul searching, trying to imagine how we could make that decision if the results came back negatively, as we feared. I remember praying to god (and I am not religious) that we would not have to make it. Fortunately, against the odds, our daughter was born healthy, and we did not have to. Your post brought those memories flooding back, and reminded me how lucky I was. So sorry for your loss.