I Can't Find It

Since I am often on the receiving end of generalizations, I don't like to say things that are all encompassing to any specific group of individuals, like "the male gender sucks at finding things." So I'll just say gee, it seems that the boys in my house sure do have difficulties locating certain objects like, for example, everything.

There was one time when we were on vacation when, after his shower, instead of looking on the towel rack over the toilet to find a bath towel, Charlie just assumed there weren't any and used a washcloth to dry himself off. There have been several times when I've been accused of losing various tennis shirts, only to look in their closet and find them hanging in plain view.

Everytime they ask me where things are or can't find something, I always think back to one of the most hellacious trips to the grocery store that I have ever made. It involved two boys on a quest to find one box of Capri Suns. How hard can it be, right? I sent them off to find the item and waited in line at the deli for my processed meats and salad. While I waited I noticed that the boy in front of me, who was no more than 17-years-old, was shopping by himself. He was holding a list that had obviously been written by his mom, had put the eggs and bread in the seat section of the cart so they wouldn't get smashed and was managing to pronounce actual words in a volume loud enough to hear while he ordered a pound of turkey and some Swiss cheese. I stood there watching him, thinking wow, it's a good thing I have my boys learning how to find things in a grocery store at such a young age so that they will also be able to do the shopping for me when they're older. I'm a good parent who is teaching her children to be responsible!

I was prepared to praise the boys and tell them "Job well done! Thank you!" when they returned to the cart with the Capri Suns, but when I saw them wandering toward me carrying a box of the most disgusting generic orange drink ever created by mankind, my thoughts became "I am a sucky mom whose boys can't even manage to read 'BEVERAGES & JUICE' on the sign hanging over their heads."

"They are all out of Capri Sun. In fact, I don't think this store sells any juice boxes." My intelligent oldest child who gets straight-A's actually thought that a fucking grocery store didn't sell juice boxes. What the hell.

I sent them away again (mostly for their own safety) to return the pouches of flavored orange food coloring and to find the god damn Capri Sun box and wasn't at all surprised when they returned two minutes later, empty-handed. "Nope. No juice boxes. We looked really hard this time."

At this point, I think I said something like "you're a couple of morons" and started telling them about the teenage boy I saw who could manage to not only find juice boxes, but put actual food in his cart and be helpful to his mom. Then Zach said something like "I don't care about grocery shopping" and this filled me with enough rage to make me temporarily blackout, because I don't remember what else I hissed at him through my clenched teeth.

A couple nights ago Zach pulled an unopened bag of Sun Chips out of the pantry and stuffed a few handfuls in his mouth. Since I'm in a workout more/stop eating like shit phase, I left the kitchen. After a few minutes of munching, I heard him putting the bag away (Note to Frito Lay: Maybe you could have made the new compostable Sun Chips bag louder. What the hell did you guys use to make these things? Sheet metal?). He wandered in and out of the pantry and around the kitchen for a full minute before he yelled "Where are all the chip clips? I can't find one anywhere!"

From two rooms away, I said, "They're in the pantry, right in front of your face."

"No they're not! I looked there! They're not in the....oh, wait a second. Here they are."

Yeah, I can see how they were easy to miss. After all, they're labeled Chip Clip, not Sun Chips Chip Clip To Be Used By Helpless Boys.