Oh Yeah, It's Valentine's Day

I thought about not writing anything today, and instead I was going to spend the day soaking in a warm tub filled with rose petals and sipping on champagne while nibbling on frozen grapes. But since I don't live in a Nora Ephron film and there's the fact that I think Valentine's Day is dumb, I decided to post something after all.

The following "poems" are entries from a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme. The stipulation was that the first line had to be oozing with romance and the second line had to be, well, you'll figure it out.

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife

Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.

That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;

This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,

But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other

--that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet and so are you.

But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,

the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;

But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes.

Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.

What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,

Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?

Two parts vodka, one part lime.

I'm actually surprised that there isn't a special section for these cards at Hallmark. If there was, I might be more of a fan of Valentine's Day.