Friday, June 25, 2010

Lazy My Ass!

Three questions that I have already heard at least a dozen times this summer that make me want to commit murder, or at least inflict massive amounts of pain accompanied by significant bleeding:
  1. What are you going to do all day?
  2. Why are you so tan? Do you do anything besides sit in the sun? (I know, technically this is two questions, but they're related enough to be considered as one.)
  3. What are you going to do with all your time this fall when the kids will be in school all day? Are you going back to work? (Again, two questions, but one always accompanies the other and they're always asked by the same moron)
Here are my feeble, anger-managed attempts to answer the first two questions:

During the three, sometimes four months of a Minnesota summer when it is warm enough to sit outdoors dressed in something less than a turtleneck, I tend to get tan. Maybe this is due to the fact that, even though I like to act like I'm Irish, I'm really not Irish at all and am actually quite Asian. Like 100% Asian. And Asians tend to get sort of tan. Like really tan. Even with sunscreen. So, unlike my husband who only manages to get tannish, I get very brown. Not brownish or sun-kissed, but brown. I don't need to be stationary, reclined, or have a beer in my hand to acquire this tan, but those three things definitely don't hurt the process.

As far as what I do all day during the summer: The last time I checked, summer vacation didn't come stocked with a cleaning lady, chef, personal driver or errand boy. It also didn't come with a lawn boy, laundry service, dog walker or schedule manager. So even though I wish I was able to devote gobs of time to being selfish and thinking of nothing but myself when I'm sitting by the pool, that type of behavior would probably result in a sunburnt, starving or in a worst-case scenario, drowned child and a whole lot of lists that didn't get made for the errands that need to be ran in the car that someone has to put gas in and remember to get the oil changed.

So, even when it appears that I am taking advantage of a little personal time by participating in such indulgent activities as reading, sitting in the sunshine or peeing by myself, here's a little note to the inconsiderate morons that are assuming I'm being lazy and selfish and want to share their opinion with me: Shut the fuck up, because with stay-at-home-moms, nothing is ever as it appears to be.

What I'm doing: Peeing.
What I'm thinking: Oh look, the hand soap is almost gone so I need to add it to the never-ending Target list. I see a dried soapy water glob on the floor, maybe if I stretch really far I'll be able to reach it and clean it up. "What? No, I'm not sure how jelly beans are made, maybe if you wait until I'm done peeing we can find out together, because I don't have Google in here." Which reminds me, I need to call the pharmacy and refill my birth control prescription.

What I'm doing: Sitting by the pool.
What I'm thinking/saying: Come here I need to put sunscreen on you. Turn around. Turn around the other way. Not that way, the other way. Now you, come here for sunscreen. Thank you, kid #3, for needing your own personal invitation to get sunscreen on. Yes, we need to do your face too. Please stay where I can see you. No don't throw the football all the way across the pool. I don't care if you didn't do it, just say you're sorry. Please don't drown each other. No you cannot stand on each other's shoulders. Oh my god someone make that toddler quit screaming, I don't think he likes the water. Please shut him up. Please watch your sister so I can pee and get far away from that screaming kid.
What I'm hearing: Mom I'm thirsty. Mom I'm hungry. Mom I forgot to bring a towel from the locker room. Mom, where are my goggles. Mom I have to pee. Mom I'm thirsty again. Oh, all you have is water? I guess I'm not thirsty. I think I need more sunscreen. Where is it? I can't find it. I don't think it's in there can you find it? Mom I stubbed my toe on the bottom of the pool so I need a Band-Aid. Where are the Band-Aids? By the sunscreen?

What I'm doing: Watching a movie.
What I'm thinking: What was that noise? It sounded like feet on the floor, someone must be up and they're probably going to appear on the steps right as John Malkovich screams "You fucking fuckers!" at the top of his lungs. Oh crap, I forgot that I have a load of laundry in the dryer that I need to go fold. Sorry, yes you need to pause it, I'm really sorry, I'll be right back. In ten minutes. Oh, I might as well let the dog out while I'm folding laundry. Ah hell, where did the damn dog go? Shit, he took off. Guess it'll be longer than ten minutes. Great, now I have to go pee. And I see another soap scum glob on the floor. And there's the almost-empty soap, which reminds me that I still need to go to Target.

What I'm doing: Driving to tennis.
What I'm thinking: Did anyone forget anything? Does everyone have their tennis bag and a water bottle? Come on lady! Green means go! Accelerate please! Oh I see, you're on the phone, and your conversation is so much more important than actually operating your SUV. Zoe, please put your window up. No you may not yell at that man on the motorcycle because you might startle him and then he'll fall off and I might run him over and I don't have time to deal with something like that right now. No, you cannot have gum right now. No, I said no. No I can't get you a piece of gum, I'm trying to not crash. OK FINE! Charlie, get her a piece of gum! But please be quiet and stop shrieking! Oh, oh my god. Look at that girl driving without any hands. Well, that's why she's driving like that since she needed a free hand to throw a cigarette butt at me. Zach. Hey Zach. Zachary. ZACH!!!! Oh forget it, now I forgot what I was going to say.

What I'm doing: Exercising.
What I'm thinking: Why am I working out right now because I still need to cut the grass. Hopefully there isn't any crap from the neighbor's dog in my yard. Speaking of crap, I guess the kids are up since I hear feet and toilets flushing. Wait, what time is it? Man, I hope I have enough time to mow and then take a shower before the boys need to be at their orthodontist appointment. And I should probably sprint through the grocery store after their appointment since there is a tennis tournament this weekend. Which means I need to regrip racquets. I wonder how much gas is in the car, which also needs to be washed. Oh ick, that table over there is kind of dusty. Maybe I'll have time to clean between mowing and showering, before I leave for their appointment. Oh, hi Zoe. No, you cannot have Fruit By The Foot and Club crackers for breakfast. I'll make you something in seven minutes when I'm done working out. Seven. Yes, seven minutes. No, that's not infinity, it's seven stupid minutes. No, you will not starve. Go read two books and that will take seven minutes. No, you cannot eat a Fruit By The Foot while you read the books. Oh the hell with it. I guess I'm done.

What I'm doing: Sitting on the couch.
What I'm thinking: After cleaning the house, making three meals, running errands, doing four loads of laundry, working out, walking the dog, organizing a couple drawers, taking out the garbage and cleaning the kitchen for the fifth time in a day, I decided to grab a magazine and sit down on the couch.
What I hear: Hey mom, I was sitting there. And I'm hungry.

What I'm doing: Reading the paper.
What really happens: Researchers..."What? No, I'm not getting you a pet fish today. Maybe another day." Okay, where was I. Researchers have dis... "I don't know what day. Just not today. We don't have enough time." Researchers have discovered th... "No, I don't know how many sleeps it is until Cosmo's birthday. Yes, I know he's old." What the hell was I reading? Oh yeah, Researchers have discovered that the amo... "What? Yes, I suppose we will have to get him a cupcake or something. No, we are not taking him out to dinner." Resear... "He just can't go to dinner with us, that's why. Please let me finish reading the paper." Researchers have discovered that the amount of... "Really? Well, that's great. Thanks for letting me know that you just farted. I guess I'll just pinch my nose while I read." Researchers have dis... "No! You are not getting the fish tomorrow either! Seriously! Let me finish one sentence!" Researchers have discovered that the amount of vodka consumed by a stay-at-home-mom greatly exceeds the average amount consumed by the other adults.
What I'm thinking: Well, DUH!

As far as answering the third question, after a lot of brainstorming and introspection, I came up with the following answers: A) Stuff, and; B) No.

1 comment:

Michele Juanson said...

I loved this post. I want to print it off for my friend that thinks I do sit on the couch all day and pick my nose.
And that is simply not true. I have to pick my nose while doing all the things you wrote about.