I'd like to think that during the last couple weeks of the school year, the teachers would be done assigning crap loads of homework and science projects, but that would be wishful thinking. In fact, last week included Zach's presentation for his group project on the Abominable Snowman (and don't even get me started on the absurd grading procedure used for this project) and tomorrow marks the final official project turn-in day for what could very well be the stupidest HP science project of all. And that's saying a lot, since there's been about 20 of them.
The kids were required to mail the teacher a raw egg. Their grade is dependent on the mass, volume and density of the package, creativity and design, and whether or not the egg breaks during shipping. Kids are not allowed to use anything that would be considered conventional packing materials, cannot write "FRAGILE" anywhere on the package, and aren't allowed to use any weirdly shaped boxes or containers that would require hand cancellation at the post office. In other words, drop the thing in a shoe box and mail it.
I'm not exactly sure what the goal of this project was, other than to put one final cherry on the annoyance sundae that the teacher has been serving to the parents for the entire school year. The only things I can think of that my kid learned during the completion of this project are:
- Popcorn can be used as packing material, as long as your sister doesn't eat all of it first.
- White cheddar popcorn smells like vomit.
- Eggs break.
- Postage for something boxy is much more expensive than postage for an envelope, even a large envelope.
- To be exact, first class postage for a box is $4.90.
- A mom that is already annoyed with the grade their kid received on the science project prior to this piece of shit project does not enjoy wasting $5 to mail an egg and popcorn that will eventually be graded arbitrarily before being thrown into the garbage.
- That same mom will happily sit in a bar and spend an additional $5 (if not more) on a much needed beer after standing in line at the post office to mail an egg and popcorn.
- Being done with science projects, and knowing that the last day of school is hours away, is a great feeling.
So while Zach listens to his brother talk about fun field trips and school parties and watches Zoe go through the last days of kindergarten in an oblivious state of glee, he will be studying for finals and watching his teacher open one egg after another, hoping that someone was willing to sacrifice 50 points and had the balls to mail in a rotten one. That someone would have been me but unfortunately, after the Abominable Snowman grade, Zach doesn't want to risk losing 50 points. Besides, for a truly cathartic experience, I think we would need to deliver rotten eggs in an even more creative way that doesn't involve first class postage, but does include a car, a strong throwing arm and good aim.