Friday, May 14, 2010

You're Really, Like, Annoying

Since I'm not a kid anymore, I don't really go through any withdrawal or feelings of depression after Christmas or birthdays. If anything, the days following these once-a-year events are usually spent nursing a mild hangover, cleaning up after the hoopla and maybe initiating a short-term detox program. This year, though, there is one holiday that has left me wishing that it wasn't only once-a-year, and that is Mother's Day, because I not only had just a great Mother's Day, but an entire weekend. Doug and I got out without the kids on Friday night, I was lucky enough to make it through an entire Saturday without a kid forgetting about or losing anything, and then there was Sunday:
  1. Everyone behaved and listened (proving that, with a lot of effort and concentration, anything is possible).
  2. No one cried (at least not in front of me).
  3. I got handmade gifts from the kids, and while I won't say specifically what Doug got me, I will say that I love it, it's made by a company that is also a fruit and it rhymes with iMad, or iFad. Or even iBad.
  4. The dog never threw up (well, not in the house anyway).
  5. Zach's science project group ended up not coming over to rehearse the "Ring of Fire" project.
  6. The sun came out for the Twins game.
  7. The Twins won 6-0.
  8. While at the Twins game, Zach and I had a great bonding experience, thanks to four of the most annoying women in existence. Within minutes of these women sitting down in the seats directly behind us, Zach looked at me and said: "Oh man. This is gonna suck. They are going to talk non-stop about the most annoying crap. I can just tell." I took one look at them, listened in for four seconds and then thought wow, I am raising a smart child.
Visually, it was boob jobs, giant sunglasses, tight t-shirts with "Twins" bedazzled across the chest, skinny Hudson jeans, and stilettos. Yes, stilettos. At a baseball game. And even though I attempted to block out most of their riveting conversation, I couldn't help overhearing a few things because after all, a deaf person wearing noise-cancelling headphones wouldn't have been able to avoid overhearing a few things.

"Oh my god! Did I, like, tell you about the costume drama that I am going through for Amelia? It's just, like, too much. I can't even believe it. She has to be a dragon for the extravaganza and I am just, like, beside myself trying to make a dragon costume. I tried to incorporate the horns and tail from the Sassy Satan costume, but then she looks too much like the second dragon. It's just, like, so time consuming. And Kelly, you know Kelly, she's like, the one that threw a half-birthday party for her daughter and is just so over-the-top in everything, well you just know that she'll have the most decked out costume of all and I, like, can't compete with that. It's just too much, like, pressure."

"Has Gretta started doing talent shows yet? Wow. She'd love them. They're just so, like, super fun and they really bring out personalities. But Kelly is obsessed with these talent shows too and I guess it's fine if it's her thing and all but, like, I just don't see why she has to be so involved in absolutely everything and be so dominating. I know that she's just trying to make friends and stuff but, like, she doesn't have to be so perfect all the time."

(This is when I sent Doug a text and warned him to plug his ears, otherwise he'd probably end up hurling himself over the railing and onto the field.)

"Ooooh, lookie! Beverage Guy! What kind of beer do you have? Oh, hmmm, do you have Michelob Ultra? No? Oh, well, I guess I'll just have a margarita then. What? You don't do complicated drinks? Well, then, how about a mojito then. Oh, well, like, what do you do? Okay, well, then just a Michelob Ultra will be fine. Oh, right, no Ultra. Then a Michelob Golden. Okay honey, thanks sweetie. Yay!"

"So you guys all look so super cute today. I love your jeans. Me? Oh, thanks but I do not. No, really, stop. No, really. Really? You think this is cute? Well, thanks. I guess I do like the shirt. But you look, like, super cute."

"Cheers guys! I'm so glad you could come to the game! Happy Mother's Day to us! These are such great seats. I just love them. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers to us. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Yay us! (Smooch Smooch)"

"Oh did you know that they are showing a video about the body at school next week? Our little babies are getting so big! And I haven't done Friday folders because I've been, like, so busy with the dragon costume. Did I tell you about the dragon costume? It's like, totally taking up all my time right now, but it is going to be so great. And those Sassy Satan horns are just to die for."

(text from Doug: Enough with the fucking dragon costume already.)

"Ooooh, this beer is good but I have, like, no food in my stomach so I'm like, becoming really chatty. Can you tell? Oh, did I tell you that Amelia has a boy with downs syndrome in her class? Well, when she talks about him she says "the special needs boy." Isn't that just so sweet? She's so sweet. And she loves giving kisses and hugs and is so, like, lovey. Special needs, how sweet."

"I was just at Costco and they have just the best organic chicken right now. It's to die for. And the organic beef and organic crackers, too. Just delish. Absolutely, like, to die for. Amazing."

(Here, one of them said "damn" but then noticed Charlie sitting in front of her so she quickly said "Oops, I mean darnitt." Imagine her shock if I would have turned around and said what I wanted to say, which is "shut the fuck up.")

"Wow. You guys all look so super cute! This is just so super fun. We are so lucky because we have the best neighbors, like oh my god! I totally love you guys because we all get along, all the guys like each other and our kids all love each other and, like, play so super well together. Oh, I forgot what my point was. Anyway, like, it's so super. Love it!"

"My husband laughs at me because he says I'm high maintenance and hard to take care of. He thinks I'm like that mom from 'Modern Family,' you know the cute blonde one. Really? You think I look like her? You're so sweet! But really, It's such a good show and we DVR it. What? You don't DVR? I thought everyone DVR'd. You really should DVR. DVR-ing is, like, the only way I watch TV. I would DIE without my DVR."

(text from Doug: If a screaming line drive comes into our seats, I will be ducking and letting it go by me.)

"Oh, my god. Did you hear about Kelly telling everyone how, like, she and her husband basically just had to look at each other to get pregnant? How rude. She's so inconsiderate. I really felt that I owed it to her to point out how immature and mean she was by saying something so hurtful, because some people, like, struggle with that fertility stuff. So I did her a favor by telling her to stop being so mean and telling people that she can get pregnant."

"Seriously. We're all so lucky to know each other. I mean, like, you and I were friends, and then we were friends, and then you were friends, and then she and I were friends, and now we're all friends and oh, can I have some of that popcorn?"

(This is when Zach said "Can I be really obnoxious right now and make fun of how dumb they sound? Why did they even bother coming to a baseball game if they aren't even going to pay attention. I'll bet they don't even understand the game." I told him yes, he's probably right but no, he can't be obnoxious. That's my job.)

"Oh, I should take a picture and send it to my husband so he can see how much fun we're having. Look here and smile! I just love my phone because I can just text pictures all the time. See? I'm texting a picture! Isn't texting amazing!? And to be able to text pictures. I text all the time. Texting is, like, really cool."

"Hey, are those acrylics or your real nails? They really look amazing. I'm, like, bad about getting my nails done every week. I'm lucky if I get in there twice a month. But I guess that's what happens when you're a busy mom. And I'm so busy making that dragon costume right now."

All this, and more, before the top of the third inning. I'm hoping that at this point, my oldest kid loved and respected me just a little bit more than he did before we sat down. Even though I'm not, like, making him a dragon costume.


Anonymous said...

That is, like, super. Sounds like you, like, had a super time.

Anonymous said...

I don't know how you refrained from killing those women! I would have!!!