All I Need Is Love. And Vodka.

The ads that arrive with the Sunday paper the week before Mother's Day always make me laugh because they are covered with phrases like "Gifts to Wow Mom, Make You're Mother's DAY, All Mom's Favorites" or my favorite so far: "Get Mom a FREE! Fleet Farm Gift Card with the Purchase of Ladies' Apparel by Carhartt Woman." Really, just what every mom wants: A hideous t-shirt, and a gift card so that she can go stock up on Tootsie Rolls, trailer jacks and bird seed.

Doug has already wrapped my Mother's Day present, and I'm dying to know what he got me because he always gets me great gifts. The only thing that I told him I wanted was foldable, portable lawn chairs that don't suck ass, and the box he wrapped is much too small to be lawn chairs. He told me that I could open it early, but I'm going to act like an adult, resist the offer and force myself to patiently wait until Sunday. Or at least Saturday night.

The best thing about Doug's gift buying skills is that he doesn't sit around until the last minute and then rely on the Sunday ads in order to figure out what to get me. Plus, he pays attention to what I like, and what I absolutely hate receiving:

1. Everything listed on the "Don't buy me this for Xmas" list.
2. A wall hanging that says things like "Where Hope Grows, Miracles Blossom" or "Family is a little world created by love."
3. Gift sets by Yankee Candle, because if there's anything worse than having one Yankee Candle in the house, it's having two. Or more.
4. A Perfect Brownie Pan, Pancake Puff Pan, Perfect Omelet Pan, or any other type of pan that would result in me spending time in the kitchen making food that I don't even enjoy eating.
5. A gazing ball, garden globe or whimsical yard figurine, unless I also receive a new baseball bat.
6. Perfume, no matter how enticing the gift set may seem. And specifically, if I were to ever receive a bottle of Britney Spears Circus Fantasy perfume, I can guarantee that there would be one less gift giver in existence, which would mean more oxygen for the rest of us.
7. A Nintendo DSi XL, because buying one of these is like telling me "Here you go, honey, because you're old. And in addition to this gift, I also bought you a subscription to the large print Reader's Digest."
8. Any undergarments that incorporate the word "Shaper."
9. A gift card to any store that may very well sell cute shirts, but also sells toilet paper and cleaning supplies.
10. Any makeup that includes the words "Bobbi Brown, MAC" or "Stila" is fine. But if it includes the words "Kit, Madame, Shitty" or "Value Set," just get a gift card.
11. Any apparel that has a floral pattern, horizontal stripes or an empire waist. And anything that has a...actually, you know what, just don't buy me clothes.
12. Board games, unless it's the kind where I always win.

Now that I'm looking at this list of all the things that I don't want, I'm worried that maybe I am kind of picky and hard to buy for. But then I came across the ad insert for MGM Liquors and between the Absolut vodka, Sailor Jerry rum, Fat Tire beer and Fetzer wine, I realize that I'm not picky at all. In fact, if all of the above were wrapped up in a box and given to me next Sunday, that's a gift that would definitely make my Mother's Day.