I Swear, This Is The Last Trip To Target

"Your hair looks nice today. You're just in time for happy hour. Would you like this free chicken pot pie?" These are phrases that I love to hear. I don't even hate it when a kid says: "Hey mom. Are you going to the store anytime soon? Because I need _____ by tomorrow." The exception is when I hear that question at 9:00 PM, after I've turned my brain off and changed into pajamas pants. At that point, it's pretty much the equivalent of jamming an ice pick into my nail bed. A couple nights ago, I was jabbed by Zach.

After determining the last possible moment that the required item could arrive at school, I decided I could put off the trip to Target until the next day. I'm not sure that this was a good thing, though, since it would put me in the home of the red bullseye one week before Christmas. You can see, and hear, the desperation as people race the quickly-approaching deadline. Everyone is crabby, no one is able to use common sense, the bright red reindeer towels suddenly seem like the perfect gift for the mother-in-law, and holiday cheer is in short supply. It's a little like watching a Stupid-Off, where the person with the worst attitude and least amount of Christmas spirit is the winner.

I overheard one stressed out mom bitching at her kid: "Get off my case and cut momma just a little bit of slack already. Quit telling me about the things I don't do. I'm not perfect, okay? Now, should I get Aunt Julie an XL or XXL sleepshirt? Either way I'm sure I'll be wrong!" I glanced over to see a woman holding up two giant pieces of pink fleece, and a kid that was probably six months shy of two-years-old sitting in the cart. Did this woman really want someone in diapers to "cut her some slack?" I'm thinking that instead of stressing out about buying Aunt Julie a sleep shirt that resembled a ginormous bottle of Pepto Bismol, maybe Aunt Julie should be the one cutting this woman some slack.

As I wandered through the mayhem, I passed another woman that was pissed off because there weren't any Zhu Zhu Pets, a grandma that was disappointed with the selection of iPod cases, three kids having meltdowns in the toy department, one guy touching all of the red lace bras, a lady that was so freakishly loud I'm sure she must have had a megaphone implanted in her larynx, a display of eggnog ice cream that made me nauseous, and a little girl whining: "But I want the Hello Kitty lip gloss now! I'm tired of waiting for Santa!"

After I encountered two more kids having tantrums in the candy aisle, I grabbed the item I needed (a bag of 300 Dum Dum suckers for a fundraiser), and got the hell out. Thankfully, I am done shopping and wrapping, and except for one last trip to the grocery store, I will not have to put so much as my big toe inside any stores until after Christmas. This is probably a good thing, since it's still a little sore after I got nailed by that ice pick.