As you know, 2009 had it's ups and downs, but for the most part I think I handled things pretty well. Yes, there was the occasional empty threat of violence, a sprinkling of hand gestures, and a couple brief moments of rage-induced silence, but since no permanent damage was done (so far), I think I'm entitled to a few requests. A couple of my wishes are for my kids, because I truly believe that this isn't a time of year for selfishness. Please bring me the following:
- A restaurant kid's menu that offers something besides chicken hunks, burgers, corn dogs, fries, and gloppy mac-n-cheese. And would it kill them to offer fruit or a salad?
- A lotion bottle that allows me to use the bottom inch of product without having to pull out the pump and smear the stick on my legs.
- Although I appreciate you sending my kids the gift of filling the garbage, what I really need them to have is the coveted gift of taking out the garbage.
- A voodoo doll resembling Fanny.
- If I tell a kid to "come here," please bring them the ability to stop saying "Why?" from two floors away and just COME HERE!
- An end to the school/science projects.
- A normal long-sleeve shirt that doesn't make me look sleazy, boring, or like I qualify for a senior citizen discount.
- A caffeine patch.
- My kids could use the ability to be able to figure out, all by themselves, that if we're leaving at 9:30, they should maybe get their shoes and coats on at 9:25.
- Dog pee that doesn't destroy my lawn.
- A package of chicken that, when I think about the fact that I need to defrost it for tomorrow, automatically moves itself from the freezer to the refrigerator.
- When you're in the area, please break my neighbor's lawn mower, leaf blower, weed wacker, and Shop-Vac. And feel free to let your reindeer crap in his yard.
- A vacation.
- I know a few people that could use a sense of humor, and you probably know who they are, too.
Please note that I didn't ask for anything unrealistic like sanity, more good-hair days, listening skills for my kids, or a built-in vodka dispenser on my refrigerator door. And if you really want to know the truth about what happened during school drop-off that one morning involving that fake-boobed/not-really-a-blonde/rule-breaking/know-it-all lady, it wasn't my fault. She tripped on the curb.
Sincerely, Love, and all that stuff,
The Mean Mom