Really, I've Been Good

Dear Santa,

As you know, 2009 had it's ups and downs, but for the most part I think I handled things pretty well. Yes, there was the occasional empty threat of violence, a sprinkling of hand gestures, and a couple brief moments of rage-induced silence, but since no permanent damage was done (so far), I think I'm entitled to a few requests. A couple of my wishes are for my kids, because I truly believe that this isn't a time of year for selfishness. Please bring me the following:

1. A restaurant kid's menu that offers something besides chicken hunks, burgers, corn dogs, fries, and gloppy mac-n-cheese. And would it kill them to offer fruit or a salad?
2. A lotion bottle that allows me to use the bottom inch of product without having to pull out the pump and smear the stick on my legs.
3. Although I appreciate you sending my kids the gift of filling the garbage, what I really need them to have is the coveted gift of taking out the garbage.
4. A voodoo doll resembling Fanny.
5. If I tell a kid to "come here," please bring them the ability to stop saying "Why?" from two floors away and just COME HERE!
6. An end to the school/science projects.
7. A normal long-sleeve shirt that doesn't make me look sleazy, boring, or like I qualify for a senior citizen discount.
8. A caffeine patch.
9. My kids could use the ability to be able to figure out, all by themselves, that if we're leaving at 9:30, they should maybe get their shoes and coats on at 9:25.
10. Dog pee that doesn't destroy my lawn.
11. A package of chicken that, when I think about the fact that I need to defrost it for tomorrow, automatically moves itself from the freezer to the refrigerator.
12. When you're in the area, please break my neighbor's lawn mower, leaf blower, weed wacker, and Shop-Vac. And feel free to let your reindeer crap in his yard.
13. A vacation.
14. I know a few people that could use a sense of humor, and you probably know who they are, too.

Please note that I didn't ask for anything unrealistic like sanity, more good-hair days, listening skills for my kids, or a built-in vodka dispenser on my refrigerator door. And if you really want to know the truth about what happened during school drop-off that one morning involving that fake-boobed/not-really-a-blonde/rule-breaking/know-it-all lady, it wasn't my fault. She tripped on the curb.

Sincerely, Love, and all that stuff,

The Mean Mom