Wednesday, December 30, 2009

No Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolutions are, without a doubt, lame. If anything, resolutions should be made each morning, and be based on the activities of the day. If you're volunteering at school, resolve not to "accidentally" push the kid that picks his nose all the time. If you're headed out to run errands, resolve not to give anyone the finger, no matter how bad they drive. When you open a new bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, resolve not to eat the whole thing and then hide the empty bag, wrapped in the classifieds, at the bottom of the garbage. When figuring out what to make for dinner, resolve to include something that doesn't involve noodles. A small amount of success each day would definitely put a smile on my face and make me feel like I have a little bit of control, even if everything else around me is chaos. Making yearly resolutions like "I will go to the gym more" or "I won't eat French fries" are things that might seem achievable for a while, but after six weeks, as you're driving to the gym, you'll eventually drive right on by the parking lot and find yourself elbow deep in a bucket of fries with salt jammed under your fingernails, yelling at the server to "Bring more ketchup, dammit!"

Yesterday, while Zoe was reading a book, I thought I would get a jump start on this Daily Resolution thing with something simple: I resolve to pee by myself today, with the bathroom door shut. Sure enough, as soon as I sat down, I heard Zoe's heels digging into the flooring (what is it about the acoustics of kid's feet anyway? Why are they so loud?).

"Mom! Hey mommy? Where are you? I need help with this word! MOM!?"

Thinking about the resolution I had just made, I created another resolution: I will not yell today.

"Umm, hey Zoe," I said in my best I'm-so-freakin'-happy mom voice. "I'm in the bathroom, and am a little busy right now. You need to wait a few seconds, or find a brother and ask him."

"What? I can't hear you? Where are you? I need you to help me with a word!" Apparently I needed to speak up a little.

"I said I'm in the bathroom. You need to wait. Okay?" I still wasn't yelling, and even though I was having a (loud) conversation through the door, technically I was still in the bathroom by myself.

Suddenly, the doorknob turned and the door flew open. "Oh, there you are! You're in the bathroom! Help me with this word, S-O-M-E-T-I-M-E-S."

"It says sometimes. Like sometimes I would like to be able to pee. By myself. Without someone hunting me down and forcing me into having to talk while I pee. And sometimes it would be really cool if people could recognize a closed door and the sound of someone peeing and WAIT FOR ME TO FINISH!" I realized I was yelling, and that I was, in fact, not in the bathroom by myself anymore.

Screw the daily resolutions. Maybe I should consider 15-minute increments instead.

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