Shameless Promotion

When I started this blog, I had no idea how long it would last, if I would have time to post something every day or if anyone besides my husband, my mom and maybe two other people would read it. Now, a little over five months and 170 entries later, there are over 850 fans on Facebook, a few followers on Twitter and about a dozen people that are registered followers on Blogspot.

When I created the Facebook fan page, a bunch of friends from my "normal" page became fans and to everyone that did, even if you're regretting it now...thank you. And then some of their friends became fans, and then total strangers became fans and now there are fans from all over the U.S., plus 13 other countries. All I can say is...holy shit.

One of my friends posted a link to the blog on Facebook and said "Let's help The Mean Mom get 1000 fans." When I saw this I literally laughed out loud because what the fuck really? Was he insane? No way would I ever end up with 1000 fans because how many people could possibly want to read about a crazy anal-retentive stay-at-home-vodka-drinking mom who swears, sets unrealistic expectations for her kids and gets irritated by pretty much everyone?

Well, turns out there are a few hundred people out there that like vodka as much as me, deal with kids that don't listen, are annoyed by inconsiderate assholes, hate science projects and don't run around handing out fresh-baked cookies saying things like "Oh my goodness! Being a mommy is the best job ever!"

Since the fewer-than-100 fans that existed when I wrote about the nightmares of trick-or-treating has grown to more than 850 on Easter, I figure it's now a realistic goal for The Mean Mom to maybe hit 1000 by, appropriately: Mother's Day.

So here's where I will shamelessly ask fans and readers to think of some cool, intelligent drunk people and share, or become a registered follower of the blog, or become a fan on Facebook if you haven't already, and then share some more. Of course there will be people who see what I write and are instantly offended and won't become fans, but that's a good thing because people that don't have a sense of humor kind of suck and I don't want them as fans anyway. But the 860+ that read, comment and still come back for more the next day? THANK YOU!

I've Been Grounded

Yesterday, after I was super mean and forced Zoe to sit down and eat an entire meal of food, she thought that I needed to be punished, so she decided that I was grounded from the following activities:

1. Making food for people
2. Driving kids to places
3. Showering
4. Exercising
5. Working on the computer

So, in order to set a good example and accept my punishment without any negotiation or argument, I will accept the discipline and spend the day sitting on my ass, doing nothing besides eating chips and reading the paper. Unfortunately, that limits today's blog post to me saying... Happy Easter, and have fun eating egg salad sandwiches for the next few days.

Oh, one more thing. Some people have a tradition of watching a specific show every Easter, whether it's "The Ten Commandments" or "It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown." While I have nothing against Snoopy or Moses, I prefer to watch something that, at least for me, really embraces the true meaning of Easter:

Watch me now, especially before you leave for church...

Spring Break Can Be Educational

I know there are several people returning from vacations this weekend, ready to face mountains of laundry and returning to work and school. We, on the other hand, stayed in town for the week and enjoyed great weather, a break from homework and the pleasure of knowing that I didn't have to pay $12 for a cocktail. I may not be the tannest mom on the block, but at least I have my sanity. Or at least some of my sanity because even though I didn't have to travel with my kids, they insisted on hanging around and after five days of quality time, I've learned a few things:

• My kids don't listen. In fact listening, and actually reacting, to what I say is considered optional until I've repeated myself at least three times. Yeah, I said they don't listen until I repeat myself. Yes, three times. I need to repeat myself three times before they listen.
• When a kid asks "So what time are we leaving" five times in one hour, it's the equivalent of him saying "I'm an idiot and since I haven't been to school in several days, my brain is going through extreme atrophy leaving me incapable of processing and remembering the information you are giving me."
• An iPhone can be used for things like a calculator, a camera, a flashlight and a light saber. But use it as a phone and answer a call? That's just crazy talk.
• No matter how relaxed I may appear to be, when a kid doesn't listen and then tells me "Wow, you didn't need to go psycho and have a spaz," it will make me angry.
• An 11-year old does not like being called a "freak," especially by his older brother, and hearing that word will trigger pouting followed by a display of extreme rage.
• I like going to baseball games, but having to say "I'd like two Twins Dinger Dogs, please" to a man wearing a paper hat makes me feel kinda dorky, and I wish I could just say "I'd like a couple hot dogs, please."
• I have eggs in the fridge that are still white. Did I forget to dye them? No. Am I going to dye them on Saturday? No. Are my kids feeling shafted and deprived? No.
• A little girl saying "These strings are too long, I think I need a haircut" while pulling on her bangs is a classic cute-kid moment.
• Hearing a little girl sing the lyrics "Now, the party don't start 'til I walk in" is a really, really cute-kid moment.
• When the little girl says "You can pick up those toys for me, cuz that's what you're supposed to do when I forget," I immediately forget about any cute-kid moments and barely resist the temptation to throw the toys in the garbage.
• Having a built-in babysitter is a luxury that I definitely need to start taking advantage of more often.
• In a baby book, right next to "first tooth, crawled, first word" and "walked," there should be an entry for "Watched Monty Python and The Holy Grail for the first time."
• Sometimes it's okay to let the kids eat Cap'n Crunch for breakfast, without milk.
• Vodka tastes great on any day that starts with S, M, T, W or F.
• Even though I know I'm not fashionable or trendy, I feel pretty good about my wardrobe choices because after all, I've never looked stupid carrying not one, but two ginormous purses while wearing a red bandana-print dress.

The Magical, Edible Pig

The best thing about the non-winter seasons in Minnesota is being able to crack open a couple beers and throw some hunks of meat on the grill without shoveling a path and freezing my ass off. As soon as the snow is gone I often find myself standing in my favorite butcher shop, gnawing on a beef stick, staring at the huge assortment of chops, roasts and ribs, thinking "Man, it would suck to be a vegetarian."

It's not that I need to eat meat at every meal, but the addition of some turkey to a sandwich or some beef to a burger definitely makes meals more appetizing. There have been times when I've made a meat-free dinner, but it's usually by accident and I'm usually starving as soon as the last plate is loaded into the dishwasher. I occasionally eat fish and have tried veggie burgers and tofu, but inevitably I always end up making something that has clucked, mooed or oinked.

When it comes to what kind of animals I cook and consume, I'm not very adventurous and I mostly stick to the boring standards: beef, chicken, turkey and of course my favorite animal of all time, the pig. Even Zoe (who is not much of a carnivore) will happily eat pork tenderloin, gnaw on a BBQ rib and has yet to find a hunk of ham that she doesn't like. And I'm pretty sure that even vegetarians enjoy a piece of smoked, thick-cut bacon once in a while.

Yeah, I like Thanksgiving turkey and last year I made a great pot of beef-filled chili on Christmas Eve, but Easter is my favorite holiday when it comes to food because it's pig from morning to night. Bacon with breakfast, a midday ham dinner, and then ham sandwiches in the evening. Plus, there's always leftovers that can be thrown into an omelette, tossed with some pasta or eaten without utensils right out of the fridge. Pigs, though filthy and slightly fragrant, are delicious.

I realize that I could, and maybe should, be more open-minded about what meats are edible and that the best places to broaden my culinary horizons are at ethnic grocery stores and meat markets. While I was out running errands a few days ago I noticed an ethnic shop conveniently located next door to my tailor, and judging by the storefront I assume that it's a butcher. I could just run in and pick up a unique hunk of meat, right after I drop off my dress!

And then I looked down at the sidewalk in front of the store:

And that's when I decided that although some people may enjoy shopping here, my horizons really don't need any broadening and on Sunday I'll be happily chowing down on a boring, predictable, Easter pig which, if you notice, they don't even bother to sell at this butcher. But at least they have camel and goat.

A New Leaf

With the arrival of cute, furry spring animal babies, fragrant spring flowers, green grass, leaves on the trees and the exposure of acres of extremely pale flesh, I have decided to make some changes to my life/family/perspective/attitude. Some of these changes might take a little more effort than others, but hopefully with a lot of dedication and focus, I'll be able to pull it off.

• When one of my kids talks back to me or gives me an answer that I don't entirely agree with, instead of automatically launching into a yell-fest and pointing out how crappy their behavior is, from now on I'll remain silent, assume that they must be having a hard day and get them a cookie.
• If/when my neighbor vacuums his cars or uses his lawn mower/leaf blower/weed whacker three times a week at 9:00 p.m., instead of glaring at him and wishing for a disfiguring accident, I will simply shut all of my windows and doors and wait patiently for him to finish.
• While shopping, if someone is on the phone and in my way, instead of "nudging" her cart out of the way or saying "excuse me" using my outside voice, I will assume that her phone call is about something very, very important. Therefore, I will turn around, go back down the aisle and find a different route that doesn't inconvenience or interrupt her.
• When someone has 24 items in the "15 items or less" line, I won't glare at the back of their selfish, clueless head until they start to squirm with discomfort or wonder if they're so stupid that they don't know how to count, but will instead just assume that they're in a bigger hurry than me.
• If I go into a fitting room to try clothes on and the pants/shorts/ swimwear ends up looking more like sausage casing/shrink wrap than apparel, I won't automatically start cursing the fashion industry and starve myself, but will just go get a different size. A much larger, roomier, oh-my-god-I'm-not-18-anymore size.
• When my kids piss me off, instead of automatically yelling before I reach for a beer or the bottle of Ketel One, I will take a deep breath, count to 500 and if needed, leave the room until I feel calm.
• Even though perfect drinking weather might occur at some point between Monday and Friday, I will only drink on the weekends.
• Oh yeah, happy April Fools Day.