Occasionally she'll break the ice with a poop joke, or a pee joke, or really go all out and tell a poop/pee/diarrhea joke. She never plays with dolls, has a hard time being stationary, loves saying "Holy crap!" and usually has a scab on her knee. She recently learned how to slide headfirst into bases while playing baseball and is finally able to hit a one-handed forehand. And she never hesitates to share all of this information, and more, with perfect strangers.
Luckily for me, she has never said things like "Mommy's needle marks are healing up quite nicely, don't you think?" or "I used to have a bruise here, and here, and another one over here that was shaped like a hand, but you can't see them right now." There's only been one, okay maybe four times, that she's taken the initiative to order for me at happy hour and, after making a few observations while watching me fill a few 3 oz. bottles, she no longer asks why I bring a big box of tampons to concerts and baseball games:
- You're sure being careful. You probably don't want to spill, huh.
- Wow, you're sure putting a lot in there.
- So, if it's a treat how come I can't have some? I like treats.
- Oh, it's that kind of treat.
- Can I try? I'll be helpful. I promise I won't spill.
- Why do you need so much?
- Wow, you're sure good at that.
- I could help you put it in that big glass later. Like a server!
- Good job mom! You didn't spill at all!
The best things, though, come out of her mouth when I least expect them and, surprisingly enough, aren't even alcohol-related:
- (while watching Shark Week) Sooo, why do they need a shark?
- If I take out my eyeball, would it hurt?
- You only get ill when you eat something very big. You'll be okay if it's sorta small. Like Smarties. Or a chicken.
- Nothing is fun to do. I want to do something special. What? The park? No, I said something special.
- Hey, how about if you put your foot over there and I'll run by and trip.
- You'll never touch your head to the ceiling because eventually everyone stops growing, including you.
- Well, you could grow out, but then you'll just want to spend all your time going to things like the State Fair and stuff.
- Sometimes I get diarrhea, especially if I eat too much watermelon.
- Why don't you want me to have caffeine? Cuz you want me to sleep?
- I don't like to eat grass, so it's a good thing I'm not a wild animal.
- I bet it would really hurt if I swallowed this fork.
- This cereal gives me food from all the food groups: the grain group, the sugar group, and the, um, Life cereal group.
- I don't like this pudding. It's too grimy.
- Can I have that cheeseburger with just cheese and no burger?
- What? You don't have any lemonade? Well, I guess I'll just have lemonade then.
- What's Labor Day for? Am I supposed to be planting a tree or something?
- Did you know I talk a lot? It seems like I'm talking all the time.
Yes, Zoe. I think I've noticed.