A New School Year

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm ready for summer vacation to be over. The last few months have been great and, in addition to a couple vacations, we've all enjoyed some much needed time off from science projects, weekly piano lessons and alarms going off at 6:15. But now, after an especially easy August, I feel like it's time to return to reality, mainly because I'm pretty sure that if you were to peer into my kids' skulls, all you would find is something that resembles an overcooked bowl of oatmeal that has been sprinkled with the occasional bit of brain.

Before the backpacks go out the door tomorrow morning, though, I'd like to ask the schools for a few simple things that would make not only mine, but everyone else's lives a little bit easier.

1. Please create family accounts for lunch money. Then I would only have to deposit money into one account instead of a separate account for each kid, and my kids could all use the same PIN. Currently, each kid has their own account, which means that they each have to memorize a different PIN (and, of course, the PIN changes when they change schools), and I get three separate emails notifying me when the balance drops below a certain amount and please deposit more funds immediately before your kid receives the Stamp of Shame on his hand and is only allowed to eat a cold cheese sandwich.
2. About that PIN -- would it really be that hard to let a family choose what their pin number will be? I didn't think so.
3. And about those lunches that I pay for -- please make them edible. And while I'm all for trying to broaden the kids' horizons and encouraging them to try new food, putting sliced beets and collard greens on an elementary school lunch menu seems a bit, well, moronic.
4. We live .9 mile away from the front door of our elementary school, which means that I am responsible for getting my kid to and from school each day. The lady that lives an additional tenth of a mile away gets to put her kid(s) on a bus. Please adjust my property taxes accordingly.
5. I know that science projects can be educational, but assigning 25 of them only manages to teach one thing: a hatred of science. Please keep the maximum number of projects to be completed within one school year to three. Four tops. Zero would be even better.
6. Feel free to omit the three-week swimming unit from the junior high phy ed curriculum.
7. Feel free to add a unit called "How to use deodorant" to the junior high health curriculum.
8. Maybe this issue was specific to our school district, but next year I would appreciate it if the kids' junior high schedules could be posted sooner than two days before the first day of school, during Labor Day weekend.
9. Instead of teachers waiting until the first day of school to tell the kids all about the additional, specific supplies they're going to need for each class, why can't they post them online ahead of time? Believe it or not, there are some families that don't thrive on the thrill of hunting for school supplies.

And one last request: The majority of the teachers I know are spectacular people that love watching kids learn, give selflessly, work whatever hours are necessary and genuinely care about their students. But to those teachers that are incapable of using common sense, never reply to emails, assign more homework than is necessary over the weekends "just because they can" and seem to derive pleasure from watching good students make mistakes, A) You will not receive a good Christmas gift from me, and B) Knock it off.