Really, You Shouldn't Have

Since Doug already told me about a couple things I could get him for Christmas, I figured he must already be brainstorming about what to buy me. And since I don't change very much much - except a few additional gray hairs, a couple extra ounces here and there and maybe a liberal sprinkling of insanity - this list remains pretty much the same from year to year. Oh wait, one thing has changed: in addition to vodka, I would happily accept beer, rum or Jameson.

(Originally posted on 12/14/09.)

A few nights ago, Doug asked me what I wanted for Christmas. While I found it almost impossible to think of things that I would love to find under the tree, the number of things that I knew I didn't want was a little overwhelming. I don't really consider myself difficult to buy for, but I definitely don't like things that are crappily constructed, emit smells, burn through batteries, or considered "collectible." Since this pretty much covers everything sold at a Hallmark store, here are a few other items that upon receiving, would require 100% fake enthusiasm, and might even trigger a little bit of anger directed toward the giver:

1. Jewelry in any shape other than a solitaire. This includes angels, birds, crosses, snowflakes, candy canes, flowers, snowmen, hearts, elephants, or "a key to my heart."
2. Seasonal dishes or serving pieces that take up coveted storage space for 11 months out of the year, only to be forgotten about and never used for the one month that they would be relevant.
3. A personal massager, unless the massager has human hands and shows up at my front door for two hours every Monday with a bottle of hot oil.
4. A "Birthstone Babies" necklace, bracelet, or keychain.
5. A membership to a "_____ Of The Month" club, unless the blank can be filled-in with either "Booze" or "Illegal Drug."
6. TV trays, because I never sit down to eat.
7. Any device that would be used for the removal of carpet stains.
8. An Ab Rocket abdominal trainer, unless you want to get punched in the face.
9. A Roomba
10. Luggage, unless it comes with round-trip tickets to Jamaica.
11. Scented lotion gift sets, because even though I may like gingerbread, it doesn't mean I want to smell like it.
12. Potpourri, in all of its hideous forms.
13. Scrapbooking supplies, or a gift card to Archivers.
14. Pajamas that don't keep me warm.
15. The $25 gift card to a restaurant that came free with the purchase of a $100 gift card, which I know the giver kept for themselves.
16. Anything written by Koontz, Baldacci, Palin, or Beck.
17. Items from "As Seen on TV," including Shamwow, Bump-It, Flingshot Flying Monkey, Point 'n Paint, Hanger Cascader, Forearm Forklift, or the super stylish Buxton Cellphone Wallet.
18. Any season of "Desperate Housewives" on DVD, because contrary to popular belief, all of us gals do not watch this show.
19. Small kitchen appliances, because I already have a toaster, coffee maker, and popcorn popper, and even though they're popular, I don't need a panini press.
20. The book "Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool," because the author of this book has obviously never spent any time with actual kids.

I realize that this doesn't leave much to choose from, and some of the things that I already asked Santa for might be hard to find at Target. So if nothing else, I guess I'd be happy with a healthy family, kids that get along, and a dog that doesn't smell. And if I still can't have these things, then just get me vodka.