There are times when I truly amaze myself. Somehow, I managed to make it through the last five days without ending up in jail, facing charges of aggravated assault or creating a public disturbance. And believe me, I had several opportunities to become a "caught on surveillance camera" YouTube sensation:
- Asshole #1: While waiting - with my turn signal blink-blinkety-blinking away - for someone to back out of a parking spot in the insanely overcrowded lot at the club, this gem of a human being sped through the lot and stole my spot. He then looked at me, smirked and said "Too bad."
- Asshole #2: Moron in the hideous Escalade who ran a stop sign in the Target parking lot, glared at me in the crosswalk, threw his arms in the air and slowly inched forward while I sprinted across the white rectangles.
- Asshole #3 - #5: Those people who dared to assign school projects of any kind during the holidays.
- Asshole #6 - #59: The shoppers at Target.
- Asshole #60: The Minnesota Vikings offensive line.
Considering that Black Friday hasn't even arrived yet and I've already witnessed some extreme crankiness in the general population, I'm going to make the safe assumption that we all have a long, perilous, patience-testing, pain in the ass, oh my god I hope I don't die of alcohol poisoning month ahead of us. So to help myself face the near-future with even a trace of optimism and happiness, I'm going to add the above-listed individuals to my already-existing list of grievances instead of following through with what I would rather do, which is to commit an act of aggravated assault and create a public disturbance, instantly becoming a caught on surveillance camera YouTube sensation.
(Originally posted on November 30, 2009)
Christmas is a month away, and for the most part I actually look forward to the kids' excitement, the parties, extra time spent with family and friends, great food, and checking out the (sometimes horrendous) Christmas lights. There are times, though, when I would happily embrace the opportunity to celebrate Festivus with the feats of strength and the airing of grievances, even if only for one day.
At a time when everyone is expected to be politically correct, polite and filled to the brim with holiday cheer, I think it would be very cathartic if just once I could tell someone that's being particularly rude that I think she's being a bitch before pushing her into the row of carts at Costco. There have been plenty of times when I encounter someone who is being completely clueless, inconsiderate, selfish, and basically stupid. I never say anything to him/her, but occasionally give the look that says, "You are an unbelievably annoying person and you just ruined the last five minutes of my life. And by the way, if looking ugly was your goal, mission accomplished!"
Shopping is especially trying on my patience. Some people are buying food that they only eat once a year, and of course all of the shelves in the grocery store have been rearranged since last Christmas, so they have no idea where the cranberry apple chutney is stocked. Instead of asking an employee for assistance, they grab a cup of coffee and wander aimlessly through the store, parking their cart in the middle of each aisle, never noticing that other people are trying to actually buy food. I have resisted the temptation to find their sought-after product myself so that I can get them out of my way. Besides, I know that I wouldn't be able to hand them the chutney without saying: "Here you go, moron. The chutney would obviously be found by the condiments and jelly. Not the pet supplies," and I'm pretty sure that this doesn't translate into "Merry Christmas" in any language.
Buying anything at Best Buy is equally frustrating, but can also be pretty good entertainment. Every ten minutes or so, someone walks in wondering where the latest DSP or PST or PS8 gadget/gizmo/doohickey/ thingamajig is, and how many games does that fancy contraption come with? Does it need any accessories? After they find out how much the console is, they usually say: "What? For that little box? You've gotta be kidding me! Well, in my day we had fun with a radio and an old coffee can. Kids these days are so spoiled!" Since most of these customers tend to drive Buicks that are incapable of parking correctly or going over 17 mph, it explains why I avoid Best Buy, and 98% of the boxes delivered to our house by the UPS man this month say "Amazon."
The list of day-to-day grievances varies depending on which day of the week it is, but it always includes people that text and drive, throw cigarette butts out the car window, tailgate, let their kids cry in restaurants, are mean to dogs, slowly walk across the street on red lights, mooch, mow their lawn after dark, smoke by their babies, don't clean their refrigerators, give backhanded compliments, and cheat.
Since Festivus isn't until December 23, I have plenty of time to add to my list, and please feel free to contribute your own list as a comment below. We can share them at the feats of strength, which will include arm wrestling, moving heavy bar stools, and picking up 35 oz. beer mugs. After all, I need to bulk up for when I finally get the nerve to shove that lady at Costco.