Sarcasm is Fun for the Whole Family

As our oldest kid will confirm, I have a hard time responding to questions with a straight answer. I try not to use sarcasm in a mean way, and I definitely don't swear at them, but it often makes our conversations more productive, and much more entertaining for other people to listen to. As an added bonus, I feel like I'm giving them critical survival skills for junior high and beyond.

I know there are moms out there that speak to their kids in a chromatic scale, using such phrases as "pumpkin wumpkin" and, "Oh, let mommy do it. Mommy loves to help!" These are the moms that always have cupcakes in the house, wear turtlenecks printed with seasonal images, and probably have elastic somewhere in their 1"-too-short jeans. I really appreciate having parents like this around, because it's fun to laugh at them.

I'm not saying that kids should be talked to like you're at a truck stop. I recently encountered a mom buying scratch off lottery tickets en masse and telling her ten-year-old daughter that she was a "fucking slow ass, slower than a fucking turtle, driving me fucking crazy." I wanted to tell her that her daughter really wasn't that fucking slow, she was just having a hard time choosing a bag of fucking chips from the vast selection at the gas station. Those fucking kids have a really hard time making decisions if there are too many choices.

When talking to my kids, I try to find a balance between "I just rolled off the futon at a frat house" and "being a mom is the most gratifying experience ever." I think kids appreciate a little respect, a little sarcasm, and not being talked to like they're incompetent three-year-olds. Unless, of course, the teenager is acting like an incompetent three-year-old. In that case, watch the fuck out pumpkin wumpkin.