Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Less Bad, More Good

Newton's Third Law of Motion states that "any time a force acts from one object to another, there is an equal force acting back on the original object." For example, if you pull on a rope, the rope is pulling back on you as well. Or if you shove a little girl on the playground during recess, her mom might surprise you by suddenly popping out of the bushes to shove you right back.

This Law could very easily be applied to the last few days I've had, and could even be renamed Adkins' Law of This Week Can Kiss My Ass, which is best summed up as "just when things seem to be going well, something comes along and wipes out any joy or success I may be stupid enough to actually think is permanent." For example:

Good News: Kid #1 has been going to bed on time, without being reminded 23 times. In fact, what is that thing I see there, on his nightstand? Is that a...a book?
Bad News: I opened kid #1's door to put some clean laundry in his room after I noticed that his light was still on, even though it was way past his bedtime. Wow, he must really be enjoying that book! Or, as I discovered, he must really be enjoying whatever YouTube video he's watching on his phone, even though he has been reminded about the rules regarding phone use past bedtime about, oh I don't know, 482 times!

Good News: Kid #2 is managing to keep track of the alternating orchestra/phy-ed schedule at school and hasn't left his violin at home once! He's even practicing!
Bad News: When I asked him why I haven't initialed any of the practice reports (You know, the ones that I calmly reminded him about at the beginning of the school year and said don't forget to fill that thing out because it's easy points so don't forget about it, and don't forget. Hey by the way, don't forget about the practice reports.), I received a look of "oh shit I can't believe she asked me about the practice reports shit I am so dead oh my holy hell can I just disappear right now shit I am in so much trouble how quickly can I pack my bags and get out of here, ummm... what practice reports?" Needless to say, after he pulled the form out of his folder I discovered that I wouldn't have had anything to initial anyway, because THE PRACTICE REPORT IS BLANK! Even the days he has practiced, he DOESN'T BOTHER TO TAKE 15 SECONDS, GRAB A STUPID PENCIL AND SCRIBBLE A 20 IN THE STUPID BOX! He would rather watch fire shoot out of my eyeballs, sweat form on my forehead and see little wads of spit fly from my face as I flail my arms around RAGING ABOUT A STUPID PRACTICE REPORT!

Good News: Zoe loves first grade and has made a lot of friends.
Bad News: Zoe talks a lot. And is impatient. And has a hard time waiting her turn to talk. Even if the teacher is talking. Or they're supposed to be working on a project. Quietly. Without talking. And she's so sure that what she has to say can't wait until later, she has to talk RIGHT NOW. Parent/teacher conferences are in two weeks and not only should that half-hour be interesting, but I think that in addition to an apology note, I'll be bringing a form of bribery.

Good News: I have settled into a really great workout schedule that incorporates running, walking, elliptical, strength and core. Plus a little tennis.
Bad News: I woke up on Tuesday with no fewer than 1,327 nerves jammed into the lower portion of my spinal column. It now hurts to stand, sit, twist, stand on one leg, jump, bend over, put on underwear, get a coffee mug off the top shelf and get out of the car.
Worse News: It's so ouchie and I felt like an old lady while grocery shopping. Standing up straight is not happening so there I was, hunched over my cart, leaning on the handle, wincing in pain every time I bent down to snatch an item off the bottom shelf. When I got to the cashier, I was kind of surprised when I didn't start counting out the exact change.

Good News: The new puppy is house training like a pro.
Bad News: The new puppy is house training like a pro -- but only for me. He'll occasionally pee when Charlie takes him out but when Doug takes him outside, the dog just runs back and forth, anxiously looking around and wondering where I am and unless he really, really has to go, runs back into the house without peeing. Yes, that's correct -- I've created another individual that is completely dependent on me and occasionally incapable of wiping it's own butt.

Bad News: The elementary school BBQ is today, which means that I'll have to deal with a parking lot that, for this event, is 1000 times worse than even drop-off or pick-up, all so that I can sit on the gym floor (in pain) and watch Zoe eat the ham sandwich that I brought her from home.
Good News: My friend, and an East Coast version of The Mean Mom, is in town and immediately after I escape the BBQ fiasco, I will place my ass in a pedicure chair right next to hers, pour a couple cocktails and inhale a non-school BBQ lunch. Then I will haul my cute toes home and enjoy a Wednesday evening with nothing on the calendar.

Bad News: Except at some point, I'm going to have to call the mom of the boy that keeps punching and pushing my daughter into the gravel at recess. Maybe I'll call her right after I make a surprise appearance at the playground and accidentally bump into him at the top of the slide. After all, according to Einstein, what goes up must come down.

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