And then there's the people that claim they understand how overworked/underappreciated you are and nod their heads sympathetically while you talk about pink eye, field trip forms and the need for yet another oil change, but the second you have a free hour to do something really indulgent like get a bikini wax, they're all OH SURE! GO AHEAD AND GET THE HAIR RIPPED FROM YOUR CROTCH AREA! MUST BE NICE!
(And actually, it is. Because trying to explain a bikini wax to a toddler that is standing in the corner of the esthetician's room with her mouth hanging open and wondering why mommy is whimpering like she's giving birth all over again is tricky territory. So being able to go to that appointment by myself? It's a dream come true.)
So instead of always being pissed because people think my job consists of nothing more than cooking, shopping for groceries, wiping noses, eating mac and cheese, playing Candyland and making sure the pajamas don't have any weird stains on them, I figured I'd try to get the job recognition I deserve by handing the doubters a copy of my resume. Maybe after reviewing it, they'll finally see that I'm entitled to a little respect. And a lot of booze.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
4321 Cul De Sac Hell
Overpriced Suburb, MN 55___
Home phone: Just call my cell, because I'm never home
Email: Yes. Checked? Not always
Seeking respect and recognition for a job that not many people want to do because it involves bad hair days, arguing with short people, bodily fluids and the preparation of food that will always include carbs as an ingredient.
SUMMARY OF QUALIFICATIONS
Excellent leadership qualities; 99% success rate in solving the case of the missing library book; ability to teach even the youngest children the difference between "blended" and "on the rocks"; able to determine with frightening accuracy, without leaving the car, which are the most violent children on the playground; knowledge in the areas of car maintenance, computer tech support, Xbox and home theater installation (including programming the remote control), pet care, accounting, groundskeeping, how to cook a nutritious meal with five minutes notice, how to fling dog poop with pinpoint accuracy and um, about 9500 other things.
(please note all positions are from 8/1996 to present)
Chauffeur: Delivered kids at required times to appointments, lessons, recitals, tournaments, concerts and birthday parties, and have done so without ever denting my minivan, running out of gas, killing a small animal or locking my keys in the car.
Errand Runner: Manage to complete seven stops within an hour and a half, using minimal amounts of gas, without ever letting the ice cream melt. I have also displayed superhero-like abilities when having to wait for people like Change Counting Old Lady, Check Writing Old Man, Cell Phone Addict Teenager, Aisle Hogging Car Cart Pusher and Mr. I'm Going To Turn These Deli Samples Into A Free Lunch.
Coach: In addition to actually coaching one year of soccer, a couple years of baseball and gymnastics before I was even a parent, I am currently responsible for building confidence, coming up with words of encouragement even when they're sucking, consoling bruised egos, and managing the sports calendars.
Medical Technician: There is always a cold ice pack in the freezer, an assortment of Band-Aids in a designated jar and a tube of hydrocortisone in case someone gets bitten by a bug. I am also able to treat stomach aches by saying "go poop," differentiate between a fake cough and a real one, administer Advil, send kids to bed early and show sympathy for bruises by saying "Where? Right there?" as I forcefully point at it.
Not-Quite-A-Short Order Cook: Just because I enjoy eating zucchini, red onion, mushrooms and giant salads, would be content never eating cheese again and have a tendency to put sriracha on everything, I don't expect my kids to follow the same dietary habits. Therefore, since I still want to eat what I enjoy without listening to them complain, I often make them a modified version of whatever it is I made for myself. Except for the oldest kid -- he'll eat anything. As long as it's not too cheesy.
Schedule Coordinator, Activities Director, Therapist, Arbitration Mediator, Professional Organizer, Cleaning Lady, Personal Shopper, Psychic, Tutor, Stain Removal Specialist...: Yes.
No, I don't have an MPA, BBA, B.Eng, Ch.E., DPT, DDM, Ph.D., or even an AS. But I did manage to graduate from the Forest Lake school system somewhere near the top of my class and then survived a short stint in chemical engineering at the University of Minnesota before acquiring the coveted distinction of SAHM.