A Couple Simple Requests

Tomorrow is the last day of July. I know this sounds cliche and very creatively challenged, but holy shit! Where did the summer go? How is it that I only have one month left to enjoy not having to deal with school drop off, homework-free evenings and elementary school drama? I guess this means that I'm going to have to really crack down and focus on making the most out of the next few weeks, and also be extra appreciative of the fact that our school district doesn't start until the Tuesday after Labor Day.

At least the summer hasn't been a complete waste. Over the last couple of months, I've spent a lot of quality time with my kids and in the process, have discovered a few things that certain businesses could do to make my life, and the lives of other moms, much easier and more enjoyable. So if these changes could be made by Monday morning, I'd really appreciate it because it would make the rest of my summer much better and result in me being even happier than I already am. And everyone knows: If mom is happy, then everyone is happy.

• Time is tight and we're all trying to squeeze as much enjoyment as we can out of each hour. So, I'd appreciate it if either bars started offering pedicures and neck massages on their happy hour menus, or spas provided complimentary vodka-tonics and/or cold beer with their pedicures. I'm not being greedy and asking for both, but will happily accept one or the other.
• And whichever establishment decides to put this business plan into action, I'd appreciate it if you would offer diet tonic.
• At the end of the school year, I received an envelope so that I could clip and collect Box Tops for Education over the course of the summer. This envelope would be much plumper right now if Box Tops were found on cases of beer or bottles of booze, not just cereal, granola bars, toilet paper and tampons. Yes, that's right. There is a Box Top for Education on Kotex Tampons.
• In addition to my ongoing request for a lotion bottle pump that reaches all the way to the bottom of the bottle, thereby allowing me to use the last 1/3 of the product, I'd also like a bottle that lets me squeeze out the last bit of sunscreen without getting carpal tunnel syndrome. If not that, then an aerosol can of sunscreen that actually puts the product on my child, not just in the air.
• If everyone wants my kid to wash her hands, please place the soap dispensers in public bathrooms at a height where a child that's not the offspring of the Jolly Green Giant can actually reach it without having to be hoisted up by a parent. Inevitably, there is a giant puddle of water on the edge of the counter, which ends up being sucked up by a kid's shirt after the kid has tried in vain to stand on their tip-toes, stretch as far as they can, and still not reach the damn soap.
• If you're not going to move the soap dispensers, then would it really be that much of a cost burden to toss a few plastic step stools in front of the sinks? Do you really think that anyone is going to be so desperate as to steal a plastic step stool that dozens of grimy feet have stood on? If yes, then chain the damn stool to the sink.
• Okay, I'm going to sound a little obsessed about this public bathroom thing, but I have to say something about the toilet paper dispenser. First off, when the roll that's the size of a semi-truck tire is full, it never actually spins, releasing a long strip of paper. It dispenses the paper in 1/2" long segments. Second, if you tear at the wrong angle, you risk lacerating your knuckle. Third, they're usually located in a spot that is unreachable by a child unless the kid yells "Go go gadget arm."
• Yes, yes I know. You're sick of the bathroom theme, but just one more. I'd really like to have stall doors that automatically lock when the person that just used up the last of the toilet paper leaves the stall. That way, I won't end up being the one sitting there later, only to find an empty roll. Because then I can't help but visualize all of the strangers' asses that must have been in that stall throughout the day in order to use up such a humungous roll of toilet paper, which makes me a little nauseous. Also, I'm sick of drip drying.
• Why can't Costco have an express lane? Or better yet, accept normal debit cards? And what is with their moronically designed milk jugs? And I wouldn't have to annoy you by climbing the salad display to pull a fresh one from the back if you would stop leaving the about-to-expire crap on the shelf. In the front. In my way.
• Gas stations should start placing complimentary vacuums next to the pumps. That way, when I'm waiting for my tank to fill, I can use the time to suck up Goldfish and granola bar shrapnel.
• It's really nice of McD's to offer the huge Diet Coke for $.99, but what I really want is for them to offer the huge Diet Coke with a couple ounces of Captain. I'd even be willing to pay more, like $1.99.

If one, two, or all of these requests are met, then I can safely say that August will be spectacular. If not, well, then I'll just have to pick up my Box Top for Education-free case of beer, put my unpainted toes up on my deck railing, attempt to squeeze the last bit of sunscreen from the tube without hurting myself and enjoy the month at home. At least then I know I won't have to deal with drip drying. Unless, of course, someone in my family forgets to replace the roll.