Friday, November 30, 2012

I'm in need of a little caulk

Once upon a time in 1998, back when TV's didn't hang on walls and bib overalls were actually considered fashionable pregnancy apparel, my husband and my pregnant-with-kid-#2-self moved into our current house. It was a brand new house, meaning no one else's ass had been on a toilet, leftovers hadn't rotted in the fridge and everything was shiny and new, including the caulk.

Now, three kids and a few pets later, certain components of the house have suffered wear and tear and despite my hyper anal-retentive tendencies and obsession with scrubbing tight spaces with a toothbrush, disgustingly colored stuff has grown in itty bitty corners and, well, the caulk has eroded which has led to moisture in areas of the house that aren't supposed to get moist.

And yes, you're correct: "moist" is probably the grossest word in the English language. Because even if it's used in reference to the weather or a piece of cake, the only thing anyone ever thinks about it when they hear it is best described as GUTTER BRAIN!

After I discovered the unwanted moisture, I realized that I needed to call someone to inquire about their caulk services. It felt weird, talking to a guy about how much he charged for caulk. Then he asked what color caulk I wanted. I said, "Well, white caulk I guess. And there's also a crack that will require some extra attention and definitely some caulk." Then there was an awkward pause, followed by him asking "So, what is your schedule like?"

Seriously, you guys, I WAS DYING! I mean, is it possible for a homeowner to ever approach this type of home maintenance or walk through Lowe's without totally snort laughing every time someone asks what kind of caulk they're looking for? Apparently, it isn't.

After a MM Facebook post that said "You know you're an immature homeowner who's jammed out a few kids when you hear 'someone is coming over to do some caulk work' and pretty much can't stop laughing, which makes you pee your pants a little," Christal, a reader/friend, sent me a message about her personal experiences with the humor of caulk. Apparently, her husband insists on asking the female employees at Home Depot where the caulk is, if it's white or tan, which kind is better, etc., while Christal stands there with a straight face, which is pretty much impossible because CAULK IS FUNNY! For example, she said there was a time she was at WalMart buying bread and caulk (this purchase, by itself, made me laugh) and the cashier was putting the items in two separate bags. She said dude, just throw them in the same bag and the cashier was all "no I don't want to get caulk all over your bread." She of course started laughing out of control and he just stood there and stared at her because apparently some people have no sense of humor because WHEN IS CAULK EVER NOT FUNNY? NEVER!

So, I of course told her that her story was super funny which started the following (potentially offensive but I don't give a shit) thread:

Me: Nothing ruins a sandwich faster than when you get caulk on your bread. And, as I'm typing, there's a guy in my bathroom with his ass in the air, getting caulk all over my shower.

Christal: What color caulk is it? lol

Me: He's a subcontractor working in the suburbs who is handy around the house, so obviously white caulk. haha And the caulk can't get wet for, like, 12 hours.

Christal: AHAHAHA Is it only shower caulk or is it the kind of caulk you can put in a window? Does it stretch? Can you paint it? Can we get a picture of the man smearing caulk in your shower? I'm getting a headache.

Me: Just the shower kind. We like to keep our caulk out of public view. Smearing... DYING! This joke WILL NEVER GET OLD! 

Christal: I've never seen black caulk. ?? I'm scared to google it. ... oh! They have it! I'll have to tell my husband!

Me: It must come in extra long tubes.

Christal: heheheheheAAAHAHA They even have pink caulk! "I need a little pink caulk..."

And then our awesome conversation ended because my repair fella came down the stairs and asked me if I needed caulk anywhere else, like in the kitchen.


lotusblossoms51 said...

Oh my... You had me peeing my pants I knew I shoulda went to the bathroom before I read the entire story but I just had to finish reading! I loved your story so much you cracked me up one side and down the other! I must come back again read more. I wish I had found you earlier when I had knee replacement surgry and was house bound. I could've used some humor & laughter. I will never see/hear caulk ever the same again. Personally I think your a talented writer not affensive at all. Let's face it we all could use some caulk every now and then!

Sandie Murdoch Becker said...

What else is there to say except...ROFLMAO