Friday, September 28, 2012

Something for you to make in your kitchen

Okay, hello, yes I'm writing something longer than 140 characters and in a box that doesn't say "What's on your mind." And it's a Friday night, and I'm not writing this on my phone which means that I'm not at a bar. In addition, before I decided to sit down and tap this sucker out, my youngest kid A) kept herself occupied for 15 whole minutes while I had a conversation with another adult, B) came home and emptied her backpack without being told, C) asked for a snack of vegetables, and D) ate a ginormous dinner, which consisted of more vegetables.

Hell may have frozen over, people.

It's the last item on that list that prompted the writing of a post... AND IT'S A POST ABOUT COOKING!

Seriously, Satan. Are you familiar with The North Face?

Things are pretty much the same in Mean Mom world: kids, dog, drinking, husband, driving, two new pet fish, nagging, cooking, drinking, blah blah blah. No one really ever needs to hear about the monotonous world of a domesticated suburbanite.

And since things are still the same, you won't be surprised to know that all three kids are playing in a tennis tournament this weekend and have matches bright and early at 8am tomorrow. This is handy because now I don't have to pack a cooler with booze to be inconspicuously consumed at a park and instead am able to be a loud and obnoxious drinker at home, and also because it gives me the time to prepare a delicious, carb and protein filled pre-tournament dinner for my family.

Fuck, I kind of wish there was a Friday evening tennis match.

Since I try not to over think anything and prefer to not make my kids superstitious (I won my match because you made me grilled cheese/I lost my match because you made that weird meat that made me shit my pants), I try to vary the pre-tournament meals. But after tonight, I think I may have found something that I'll make before every tournament. Seriously, you guys, EVERYONE ATE IT! AND IT'S SUPER EASY! AND THERE'S A CRAP TON OF LEFTOVERS! AND IT DOESN'T USE FANCY COOKING TERMS!

So, here's the recipe. Since I'm not a fan of plagiarism or even stealing other people's Facebook posts and pawning them off as my own, I have rewritten the recipe in my own words. Simple words, not foodie words. And I have not included a picture of the results, elegantly plated and surrounded by flowers because here's the thing: when you prepare a meal like this one, you put it a big, unattractive scoop of it on a clean plate, butter some bread kind of globbishly, pick up a fork... and eat, pausing occasionally to take a gulp of your cocktail and wipe the corner of your mouth with your paper napkin.


a box of penne pasta
a handful of skinny green beans
3-4 tablespoons of butter
1 smallish onion
a stalk of celery
a couple carrots, peeled
1/4 cup flour
2 cups chicken broth (or, ya know, a can)
2 cups cooked chicken (or, ya know, a couple handfuls that you've ripped off of a rotisserie bird)
Stuff for making cocktails

Chop the beans into 1 inch pieces. Chop the onion pretty small, the celery not as small, and dice the carrots. Now that you are done cutting stuff, make a cocktail.

Cook the noodles. Three minutes before the noodles are done, throw in the beans. This can be done while you're cooking the...

butter in a big pan. When the butter is melted, toss in the onion, celery and carrots. I also threw in a couple handfuls of sliced mushrooms because my family likes mushrooms. But if your family hates mushrooms, well then skip that step. After a few minutes of sizzling sounds, stir in the flour. After a minute or so, stir in the chicken broth kind of slowishly. When it gets all bubbly, turn the heat to medium and let it bubble for a few minutes. It'll be kinda thick. Stir in the chicken and some pepper and salt. Now that you are done boiling stuff, make another cocktail.

After the noodles and beans timer goes off, drain and add it to the veggie/chicken pan. Stir it all together. Tell your family that it's time to eat.

And I shit you not, your kids will love it.

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