Eggstra Special Project

Three days left. Just three days of school left before we go on vacation and summer break begins.

I'd like to think that during the last couple weeks of the school year, the teachers would be done assigning crap loads of homework and science projects, but that would be wishful thinking. In fact, last week included Zach's presentation for his group project on the Abominable Snowman (and don't even get me started on the absurd grading procedure used for this project) and tomorrow marks the final official project turn-in day for what could very well be the stupidest HP science project of all. And that's saying a lot, since there's been about 20 of them.

The kids were required to mail the teacher a raw egg. Their grade is dependent on the mass, volume and density of the package, creativity and design, and whether or not the egg breaks during shipping. Kids are not allowed to use anything that would be considered conventional packing materials, cannot write "FRAGILE" anywhere on the package, and aren't allowed to use any weirdly shaped boxes or containers that would require hand cancellation at the post office. In other words, drop the thing in a shoe box and mail it.

I'm not exactly sure what the goal of this project was, other than to put one final cherry on the annoyance sundae that the teacher has been serving to the parents for the entire school year. The only things I can think of that my kid learned during the completion of this project are:

1. Popcorn can be used as packing material, as long as your sister doesn't eat all of it first.
2. White cheddar popcorn smells like vomit.
3. Eggs break.
4. Postage for something boxy is much more expensive than postage for an envelope, even a large envelope.
5. To be exact, first class postage for a box is $4.90.
6. A mom that is already annoyed with the grade their kid received on the science project prior to this piece of shit project does not enjoy wasting $5 to mail an egg and popcorn that will eventually be graded arbitrarily before being thrown into the garbage.
7. That same mom will happily sit in a bar and spend an additional $5 (if not more) on a much needed beer after standing in line at the post office to mail an egg and popcorn.
8. Being done with science projects, and knowing that the last day of school is hours away, is a great feeling.

So while Zach listens to his brother talk about fun field trips and school parties and watches Zoe go through the last days of kindergarten in an oblivious state of glee, he will be studying for finals and watching his teacher open one egg after another, hoping that someone was willing to sacrifice 50 points and had the balls to mail in a rotten one. That someone would have been me but unfortunately, after the Abominable Snowman grade, Zach doesn't want to risk losing 50 points. Besides, for a truly cathartic experience, I think we would need to deliver rotten eggs in an even more creative way that doesn't involve first class postage, but does include a car, a strong throwing arm and good aim.

Singing For Science

Some important statistics regarding the school year:

• The first day of school was on September 8, 2009.
• The last day of school is on June 11, 2010.
• As of today there are 38 school days remaining.
• Between September 8 and today, my eighth grader has completed 18 science projects worth a total of approximately 1400 points. These projects have almost always overlapped with extended school breaks, long weekends and/or holidays and have consisted of creating a constellation out of a pop can, constructing a diorama, performing a couple skits, producing a weather presentation, designing a placemat, a travel brochure, completing a couple weather experiments and 11 other projects.
• Because of this school year, I have went through more bottles of vodka than I'd like to admit, plus I've been known to drink a beer here and there and maybe even indulge in a margarita or two.
• We are now in the middle of project number 19, and at this point I am now eyeing the rum.

Project No. 19 is a group project. Each group must perform an eight-minute skit, that also includes a song, about the Earth's "Ring of Fire" which, if you're wondering, is an arc that is composed of over 75% of the world's dormant and active volcanos and stretches from New Zealand, along the eastern edge of Asia, north across the Aleutian Islands of Alaska, and south along the coast of North and South America. Obviously, it makes perfect sense to incorporate this type of topic into a song, and the best part of the project is that the kids aren't allowed to be creative and choose or make up their own song: they're required to use Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire" which, by the way, I always thought was a song about hemorrhoids.

In an attempt to commemorate the project-induced frustrations that I have endured, and to celebrate the end of the school year that is fast approaching, I have decided to be nice and write a couple verses for them, all to the tune of "Ring of Fire." So here you go, Mr. Eighth Grade Science Teacher Man -- this one's for you:

Oh you suck, you're kind of a jerk

Those projects are too much work

You teach 8th grade, not a college class

I wish you'd kiss my ass

I fell into a pit of depression

When my kid couldn't make a good impression

Because you grade, grade, grade

So weird and arbitrarily

and often unfairly

I know, you expect a lot

And my kid has given all he's got

But never, were you satisfied

Until a few kids cried.

I think that your projects are so pointless

That UFO we built is nothing less than completely useless

And you should know

That we are tired

And wouldn't mind it at all if you decided to take a trip for an indefinite length of time to the ring of fire.

It's Getting Out of Hand

Ten years from now my memories of this school year won't be "Oh, that's the year Zoe started kindergarten" or "That was Charlie's last year of elementary school." It will be "Fucking-Ay. That was the year that Zach worked his ass off and did 873 science projects."

Believe it or not, my son is working on another science project. This one, though, is going to require a little bit of involvement from his dad. No, Doug will not be shopping at JoAnn for felt and styrofoam balls and surprisingly enough I would gladly welcome a project that required such accessible, inexpensive and realistic science project materials.

This is a group project with the end result being an eight-minute presentation about the weather. Is the presentation performed in the classroom, like a skit? Oh no, because that would be convenient and age-appropriate. This presentation has to be filmed with a video camera (preferably high-def), transferred to a hard drive, edited together in a creative way and it should be exactly eight minutes long and turned in on a DVD or other high-quality format. They must also include a commercial, that they have to write and perform, for a product or service that benefits the environment or is in some way related to Earth Day.

Although this project was assigned a month ago, Zach's group is still only about 85% done. Since they all need to participate and they aren't provided with any time in class to meet as a group, they need to get together in the evenings or on weekends. Finding one night that five 13-year-olds are all available and able to get together is a tough task. Finding several nights has been almost impossible, specifically for one boy named Kevin that for some reason thinks that going skiing with his friends at the last minute instead of working on a science project is more fun.

Since Doug is familiar with editing software he tapped into his patience and, after transferring the footage to our hard drive, spent some time in front of the computer showing Zach how to edit it together to create a movie that makes sense and is worthy of an A. After Zach spent over three hours editing on Thursday night, the movie was complete and Doug transferred it to a DVD and a flash drive.

This might make me sound boring and old-fashioned, or maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive to the impact that the economy has had on some families, but it seems like this project could have been completed for a few thousand dollars less, and have been just as educational, with a presentation performed in class including a couple props and some charts made on poster board. It makes me wonder: was the main goal to teach the kids about interpreting weather reports and how to work together as a group, or was it to find out whose parents have spent the most money at Best Buy? After reviewing the scoring system, I have come to the conclusion that a good grade will only be possible if you have a high quality video camera, a fairly new computer with decent movie editing software, blank DVD's or a large storage flash drive and group members that don't have any other weeknight or weekend activities that require any time.

After a few productive meetings, Zach's group has made a surprising amount of progress. They designed some elaborate weather chart backdrops on Powerpoint and incorporated the weather channel on the Wii, both of which are displayed in the background on giant TV screens. Their time logs are completed, the script will be written over the weekend by Kevin (if he doesn't go skiing instead) and as long as there aren't any misplaced DVD's and hard drive failures, everything should be completed on time.

One benefit that has come out of this project is that Zach realizes that he is very lucky. Not only do his parents shop at Best Buy, but he also has a dad that is a creative director, knows how to edit film and feels immense amounts of sympathy for a kid that has spent virtually every weekend of the school year working on one science project after another. He has also learned that there are always members of a group that won't hesitate to slack off and do the bare minimum, that PC's suck and using Powerpoint on a Mac is the only way to go and that his mom doesn't love having three teenage girls talking about their hair and giggling in the basement on Valentine's Day, even though she hates the holiday anyway.

But has he learned anything new about the weather and how to interpret a weather report? I don't think that really matters, since we all know the weather forecast is wrong 95% of the time anyway.

Dear Mr. Science(Art) Teacher

Dear Mr. 8th Grade Science Teacher,

I know that you take pride in your job, and I'm impressed by the fact that you have endless amounts of energy and seem to enjoy spending time with 13 and 14-year-olds. It's obvious that you are motivated to educate kids by using creativity, and like to force their brains to view the material in a new way. But please, enough with the fucking science projects.

Creating a brochure that promotes the tourism industry of another planet seems more like art class than science. Not only did you require this brochure to be informative and factual, but you also wanted it to incorporate extensive creativity, color, materials that aren't normally found in a typical household, and a pop-up feature. To watch an intelligent, motivated, responsible kid put several weekend hours into designing this brochure/art project, only to get a crappy grade because, even though it included an abundance of information, you didn't think he put enough effort into the pop-ups, is deflating. This would be like giving a low grade to a painting of a fruit bowl in art class because it didn't include a picture of the periodic table.

While you emphasized the use of creativity, design and eye appeal, you also decided to deduct 50% of the possible points if the student's first and last name wasn't clearly visible. Even if, in an attempt to adhere to your specifications, a student discreetly wrote only their first name on the brochure, he or she was deducted. Since my kid managed to include his full name, he was spared these points. This is a good thing, since this deduction on top of what was already taken off for his lack of pop-ups effort would have left him with pretty much nothing.

Throughout the first trimester, your projects included a diorama, pop can constellation model, group projects, skits, a place mat, a couple Powerpoint presentations, the construction of a UFO, and occasionally having to sing a song about the galaxy (which, by the way, would be more appropriate for choir). Now that it is the second trimester, the kids are in the middle of yet another group project, which means I'll probably be running out to buy supplies before the week is over. I just wish that a kid could get a decent grade by turning in a project that contains the information you required and shows student effort, instead of just parent participation/bank account/JoAnn Crafts effort.

I've also noticed that in addition to docking points for what you consider a lack of creativity (which, if this was English class, would be called "subjective"), you also deduct points when you do a spur of the moment "assignment planner check." I understand that you're only trying to encourage the kids to be responsible, and prove to them that if they write down their assignments in each class, every day, the number of missing assignments will drop dramatically. I agree that if there is nothing written in the planner, then a few points should definitely be taken off. But if a kid writes "SS test Th - study S Amer countries" in their planner, instead of "I have a social studies test on Thursday. I need to spend time studying the countries of South America," should you, their science teacher, be able to deduct half of the possible points because you don't like what they wrote? No. They are using the planner in a way that makes sense to them, and probably didn't have the time, or need, to write a complete sentence.

I am happy about the fact that my kid has a passionate, hard working, enthusiastic teacher. I just wish that you could also understand that the kids in your science class aren't all lazy, looking for the easy way out, and are actually putting in a lot of effort. These kids have other classes to worry about, not to mention sports, music lessons, and maybe even a little bit of free time now and then. If they turn in an assignment 30 seconds late or don't get started on a project within two minutes of you assigning it, please try to remember that kids are human, and they're learning, and, unlike this letter, their forgetfulness is not an attack on you personally.

Sincerely,

The Mean Mom

Wow (Dad)! What A Great Idea!

When someone (like Zach) is able to learn things easily (and they get way too much help from mom), they sometimes miss out on learning the crucial skill of trying their hardest to get great results. These people always seem to kick ass without much effort (but with a lot of help from mom), whether it's acing a test, playing a sport, mastering a musical instrument, or someday being able to do a keg stand with straight legs and pointed toes (which, by the way, mom kicks ass at).

When they finally have to face a situation that requires a lot of effort (and they don't get as much help from mom), they often get caught by surprise and don't know how to deal with the frustration. Suddenly, in order to do well, they need to pay attention, work hard, turn assignments in on time and be responsible (all by themselves). This would describe Zach's HP science class, and his rude introduction into having to actually work for his grade.

Zach approached eighth grade thinking it was just another school year. Study a little, get A's, hang out with friends, don't start any food fights, and get along with the teachers. What he wasn't expecting is a science teacher who automatically assumes that all junior high boys are lazy, and wants to be proven wrong.

After a missed assignment and turning another one in late, the kid was not off to a good start. Maybe it was his hormonal imbalances, or that he thought he would look cooler not getting all A's. What he forgot about was that his parents don't have any patience for lazy teenagers, and we definitely don't like to see B's. He has since completed every piece of extra credit he can get his hands on, and is definitely paying attention and participating in class. He is walking that fine line between star student and being a kiss ass, and I don't care.

Yesterday afternoon I talked to him about his grades. "Maybe you should ask your teacher if he would total up your extra credit points to make sure you have a strong A going into the end of the trimester."

"What are you talking about? I'm not going to do that," he snapped. "Asking him would be stupid. He doesn't have time. He'll total it up at the end."

"But if you ask him, he'll get the impression that you are concerned about your grade, and motivated to get an A." I thought I was making perfect sense.

"I'm sure he doesn't want to be bothered. I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm not going to ask him," and off he went, to practice piano.

Last night, after Doug got home from the office, he and Zach were talking about his science grade.

Doug said "You should see if your teacher will figure out what your grade is with all of the extra credit, because he'll get the impression that you are concerned about your grade, and motivated to get an A."

"Oh. That's a good idea. I'll probably do that tomorrow," replied the boy that looked remarkably like my kid, but obviously wasn't.

I just stood there, stunned. I guess I must have timed my initial conversation with him all wrong, used the wrong tone of voice, and approached the topic from the wrong angle. Oh, and I wasn't his dad, who, by the way, does keg stands with bent legs.