The Daily Beef About Chicken

Considering the fact that my husband is a writer and owns an ad agency and as a result I have friends that produce work for a wide range of clients, I don't often criticize or complain about the commercials I see, at least not in public. After all, in this economy anyone who is still employed in the advertising industry is fortunate, even if that means that they have to write spots that aren't creative masterpieces for things like tampons or dog food. Occasionally though, I see a TV spot that is so bad for so many reasons I can't help but talk about it.

Yes, Tyson chicken nuggets. I'm referring to you.

Since Zoe realizes that most commercials (except dad's TV spots, of course) are crap, she keeps the remote handy whenever she is watching TV so that she can either hit the mute button or fast forward through them (if what she's watching is on DVR). Unfortunately, the first time this Tyson spot aired in our house, she wasn't quick enough with the mute.

Just in case it wasn't already difficult enough to get young kids to eat something besides fries, chicken nuggets and cookies, Tyson has decided to run a commercial starring adorable youngsters making faces of disgust and talking about all the foods that they hate. This list includes perfectly edible items like sausage, asparagus, meatloaf, pasta and string beans. One little girl says that "pasghetti" (the one thing that I thought all kids loved), looks like worms.

Since she heard the voices of children instead of my voice, Zoe immediately paid attention. "Hey that girl says meatloaf is gross. And string beans sound gross. What? Spaghetti is made out of worms? Oh look, that boy really likes those chicken nuggets. Those chicken nuggets look good."

While I hate it when people blame TV and other forms of media for brainwashing their kids and turning them into mindless consumers, I get a little pissed off when some chicken company thinks it's funny to make the job of feeding kids harder than it already is. I have no problem telling Zoe "No I am not buying you Moon Sand just because you saw it on TV" or "No I am not buying those cookies just because you saw the elf cartoon on TV" since these are items that I was never planning on purchasing no matter how spectacular they looked in the commercial. I would, however, like her to eat the meatloaf and beans that I sometimes make for dinner without having to hear her say "but the girl on TV said that meatloaf was gross."

I reminded Zoe that she likes meatloaf (covered in ketchup), string beans are the same beans that she's eaten several times and that no, of course spaghetti is not made out of worms. I also told her that this particular commercial and the kids in it are stupid because although that boy was lucky enough to get some green grapes with his chicken nuggets, he never ate them. I also maybe said something like did you know those all natural ingredients used to make Tyson chicken nuggets are actually chicken feet and feathers.

The ironic thing is that Tyson claims that "they can make my job a little easier." I guess they're sort of right, since now when I'm grocery shopping I'll be able to skip going down the aisle with the Tyson chicken nuggets.

Party Poopers

After spending a few hours at the mall trying not to murder the other shoppers and attempting to find some unique gifts for the kids, I came across the perfect stocking stuffer for Zoe; a handheld fart machine. Like most kids, the girl is obsessed with fart and poop jokes. Some girls have dreams about unicorns and rainbows, but she had a dream about "having a bunch of poop on my head, and grandma came over and said 'Hi, Zoe! Why do you have so much poop on your head?' and she just rubbed it all in."

A few months ago we were at a piano recital for the boys. A room containing parents, grandparents, and a couple dozen kids all dressed up and nervously fidgeting in their seats while they wait to perform is kind of a tense environment. During a moment of complete silence between two songs, the girl directly in front of me shifted to her right and let one rip. I'm not talking about a little lady-like toot; it was a full-blown, reverberate off of the hard plastic chair, Taco Bell-fueled fart. I braced myself for the eruption of laughter, but instead everyone in the room just stared intently at their programs and pretended not to hear it. Everyone, of course, except for Zoe. She laughed. And laughed some more. Which made me laugh, but instead of just laughing normally I tried to laugh like a mime, which makes my whole body shake and makes the laughing last ten times longer, which makes her laugh more. Ahh...nothing funnier than a good fart.

I recently heard about a duo of women in Orange County starting a group called The Mothers Against Nickelodeon (or, The M.A.N.). These women are on a mission to boycott Nickelodeon until the network "agrees to eliminate the use of farts, boogers, belching, rehab," and pretty much everything else that's fun, from their programming. They are convinced that Nick Jr. shows are turning kids into "brainwashed consumers," and that the marketing strategies used by Nickelodeon are "harmful and dishonest." So, in order to protect their children from the hands of consumer media, they want to stop Nick. These are women that do not appreciate a good fart joke, and most likely do not own a self-inflating whoopee cushion.

At some point in the last dozen years, all three of my kids have watched Nick Jr. Now that they are older, we have been fortunate enough to move on to better shows that include even more fart/poop/belch jokes with a little violence mixed in. Despite the fact that they were subjected to the voices of the "Wonder Pets" and the questionable wardrobe choices of "The Backyardigans" at an early age, they don't own any merchandise emblazoned with any characters and don't spend all their free time figuring out what licensed products they should be suckered into buying. We walked right through "Nickelodeon Universe" yesterday and no one asked for a Spongebob T-shirt, a Dora Xmas stocking, a Diego shot glass or even the stuffed Plankton, which I actually thought was pretty cool.

Should I blame television and Nick Jr. for Zoe's love of fart jokes? No. She likes them because farts are funny and she's normal. Watch any Judd Apatow movie and you'll realize that not only does fart humor never go away, it gets funnier. If you don't like a certain show or network, don't watch it. Unless, of course, someone happens to be standing in your family room with a gun to your head saying, "You must watch Diego save the humpback whale or I'll shoot you in the face." In that case, you should probably watch the show.

Kids, like everyone else, are consumers and they will eventually ask for stuff, a lot of stuff, whether they watch TV or not. If you don't want to buy the purse that has a picture of Dora on it, pick the purse that has a picture of Tinkerbell instead. Or if your daughter is like mine and doesn't want a purse...a handheld fart machine.

Yes, They Get It

Watching your kids grow up is pretty amazing. Between mastering the alphabet, riding a bike without training wheels, getting on the school bus, and learning to not point at people while you laugh at them, a parent definitely feels a sense of pride.

An area of growth that is often overlooked is a kid's ability to identify great TV shows that incorporate a decent story line, great writing, memorable music and a little bit of dark humor. There is a lot of crappy programming created for kids, but with a little bit of parental influence, someday they will be able to choose shows that will make you proud.

A couple weeks ago when Zoe was sick, she rediscovered Dora, and basically the entire lineup of Nick Jr.'s mind-numbing shows. Although it's funny to listen to Zach and Charlie's MST3K-like commentary, we eventually had to take back control of the remote since a person can only hear "backpack backpack, backpack backpack, backpack backpack, gooey geyser, backpack backpack" so many times before they will voluntarily rip their own head off. And I'm pretty sure that a future episode of Max & Ruby will include a visit from Child Protective Services.

Lately, the kids have been watching classic episodes of Looney Tunes. I'm happy to say that even though they are seeing, on average, 526 acts of violence per episode, they haven't asked for anything from ACME, started carrying around meat cleavers, and they're not hoarding sticks of dynamite. Instead, they laugh at Porky's speech impediment and love to watch Bugs dress in drag over and over again. I, on the other hand, had forgotten how much I love Slowpoke Rodriguez. You gotta love a mouse that loves tequila.

When the WB started running edited versions of South Park, I was ecstatic. It was like South Park for Beginners. I don't let my boys watch the show without me, because first of all, I love it and don't like to miss it. But also it's a great opportunity to see just where their moral compass is pointing. Do they recognize the fact that it's not very nice of Cartman to always make fun of Jews? Or fat women? Or the handicapped? Or poor people? And that he's greedy, selfish, and rude? Yes, and even though they know he's a foul character, they know that he's funny as hell. They also know that he's fictional and if they were to ever act like that, I would be forced to make empty threats.

Zach is old enough now to watch a lot of unedited episodes of South Park, but I still watch them without him first, just in case. When I find one that I know he'll love, and he laughs at all the right spots, it makes me laugh even more. Also, it's a reminder of just how educational junior high is, and how important it is to remember...a teenager knows more than you think, and he knows why it's funny that the Jonas Brothers were spraying little girls with their hot, white foam.