Thursday, August 18, 2011

Stupid catnip scented lotion

So, for anyone that is a Facebook fan, or that checks this blog with any sort of regularity (ie, more than once every other month), you'd know that I haven't written any new blog posts for a long, long time. Like, I've scheduled a couple Brazilian waxes, went through 74 pounds of sliced turkey and driven 9,875 miles since my last post.

And while this post isn't going to be very lengthy, it'll at least get you caught up to what's currently going on in my world.

I'm supposed to leave - with the rest of my family - for a vacation on Saturday. No, we aren't flying anywhere on non-refundable tickets that cost thousands of dollars, we don't have our Passports packed away in our carry-ons, but we are renting a pretty kick ass house, on a lake, with a refrigerator, and a bed. A very big, plush, bed that I am planning on sleeping in for several thousand hours.

So as you may or may not know, something fucked up always happens to someone in this family in the few days prior to leaving for a trip. Illnesses, injured appendages, oil spills, hell... I wouldn't be surprised if a sudden meteor shower was forecasted for northern Minnesota next week. But, to my surprise, everyone has remained healthy and tanned and chipper and the forecast for next week is for temps in the high 70's and more sunshine than clouds. So what could possibly happen in the 72 hours before I back the beer and potato chip-packed minivan out of the driveway?

Since I like to phrase things more creatively than "I got bit by a cat. It hurts. I am sad. It hurts." I am instead going to share with you a short email thread. The woman who is inquiring as to the status of my fish-stick flavored leg is, coincidentally, the mom of the boy whose leg got chomped on by the neighbor's dog. But before you start jumping to conclusions and think "what the fuck suburban psycho is training all of it's animals to attack moms and children?" please be informed that this is not the same neighbor. The dog owner neighbor is obviously insane and doesn't like to claim responsibility for anything other than positive experiences. The cat owner neighbor is being very sympathetic, willing to pay for my wonderful, giant antibiotics, coming over to mow my lawn, and is probably going to kill that fucking cat. That cat that I hate so very fucking much.

Oh, and owie.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
At 7:48 PM, LH wrote:

Hey thank you for the picture...and what happened at urgent care? Did they quarantine you?

At 8:27 PM, JA wrote:

OH I am SOOOOOO happy! I can't believe you didn't hear my dance of jubilation as I jumped into the air and clicked my heels together!


Since the cat bit me not once, not twice, but three times, and since the location of the feline buffet is on the same leg that I had my ankle reconstruction surgery on, I am EXTRA susceptible to an infection forming. Ie, it started forming when the cat was hissing.

Sooo...I am on antibiotics the size of a small child, twice a day for ten days, and these antibiotics will probably make me crap my pants and/or hurl. And the most awesomest part is that these antibiotics may not even work, since the infection started forming yesterday, probably while I was bleeding all over my sheets.

If it doesn't improve within the next two days, or if red lines start shooting outward from the puncture site, or if my fever goes any higher THAN IT ALREADY IS, or if the holes start shooting pus to Arkansas, THEN I get to cancel my vacation and check myself into an extra fancy place called the Haus Pit Aul, where instead of martinis, I will be hooked up to iv antibiotics.

So that's what happened at Urgent Care.

On the bright side, the cat owners are going to cut my grass tomorrow and again before I get home from the vacation that, at this point, I would rather amputate my fucking leg than cancel.


Muffyane said...

Sucky mcsuckerson. Cats shit in a box, why would anyone want that? ( ps cat lvers: wfe, get over it). Enough said. As a mom af 3 six year olds, I SO hope you can get the hell out of dodge to relax( as much as a mom can ever do that with Kids in tow). And, have a drink, or seven.

Melissa Placzek said...

So sorry this happened to you right before vacation! That sucks. Well, now I guess you'll just have to get more vodka then you were planning on to drown your sorrows and to numb the pain. dang :)