Back-to-(Hooker) School Clothes

In case you were wondering, our cabin vacation up north was great. We had ideal weather (after the cyclone-level winds finally died down), I actually managed to relax (as long as I use a generous description for the word relax, I really did), drank just enough beer to prevent feeling deprived (and maybe more than my fair share of vodka), slept more than six hours a night (but don't even get me started on the pathetic pillows) and put fewer than 800 miles on my car (the bar was only about six miles away from the cabin). But now that we are home, that relaxed state of mine already seems like a faint memory.

Since it's the end of August, I made sure to get a few back-to-school requirements off of my to-do list while simultaneously completing my vacation to-do list (Pack beer - check!): the school supplies have been purchased, organized and labeled, I found time for a trip to the barber, orthodontist appointments are scheduled and the school calendars have been entered into the computer. One thing that I didn't do, though, is shop for back-to-school clothes.

Because I'd rather just hurl my body out of a ten-story window with nothing but a wrought iron fence to block my fall than shop for school clothes.

Maybe it's because I have boys that could care less about what they wear to school. They would be content wearing a pair of random shorts and a t-shirt that they got from a tennis tournament every single day if it weren't for the fact that I occasionally force them wear something that's not meant to wick large amounts of sweat.

I vividly remember the nightmare of dragging Zach through Aeropostale and Hollister a couple years ago, before he started junior high, forcing t-shirts into his hands while he rolled his eyes and complained: "I'm not going to wear some stupid shirt with a giant logo on the front! I don't even care about this store and I'll look like a moron! Plus, this shirt smells! Like perfume!" Just imagine how ecstatic I was when, after I finally persuaded him to let me buy a few shirts, I got the damn things home and discovered that the bozo salesperson at Hollister forgot to remove one of the anti-theft devices. I went back to the store to have the thing removed, only to be told by the same bozo that "Sorry, but you need your receipt. How do we know that you didn't just grab it off the shelf and are trying to steal it?" Of course my receipt was at home, so I was like "Listen you ratty-haired piece of shit. My kid doesn't even want this shirt, so I can pretty much guarantee that his lack of desire to own it wouldn't motivate me to go through the pain in the ass of walking into your stinky store and stealing it." He must have then sensed that I was about to go insane over a $20 t-shirt, so he grabbed the shirt out of my hands and removed the plastic device.

So, since I've been completely spoiled with boys that don't care about what they wear, the fact that Zoe loves to buy t-shirts and shoes has forced me to make some adjustments. There have been so many times when we are running into Target for three non-clothing items but can barely get by the girl's department without her whining "Will you buy me a shirt, puleeeeeeaaaaase?" And if she would just find one quickly that is under $7 and chuck it into the cart, I would gladly say yes, but that's so not the case.

This one is too pink. This one has a weird bow on the front. This one says "Pink, Punky and Precious" which is just stupid. This one feels scratchy. This one has sparkles, which is pretty, but it has a bug on it, which is weird. Oh I like this one, but it's too yellow. I like this orange one, oh wait, it's a dress. Why does this one have this fringe junk on it? I don't like fringe. I don't want puffy sleeves. The buttons are too big. And on. And on. And on and on it goes.

After a few minutes of frustration she gives up, but not before she's completely crabby, my forehead has developed a thickish layer of sweat, the Target team members are walkie-talkie-ing each other and eyeing me suspiciously like I'm going to become violent, and I make a mental note to let her start shopping online.

Now that she is starting first grade, though, I should probably make sure that she has a few new things to wear. Outfits that say "I'm not in kindergarten, but I can still dress like a little girl" or "I'm going to be a first grader so therefore I don't wear shirts that scream 'look at where my cleavage will be someday' and miniskirts that reveal glimpses of my Tinkerbell underpants." And while this sounds like an easy enough task, believe me when I say IT'S NOT, OKAY!? I WOULD RATHER LICK BATTERIES FOR THE ENTIRE SCHOOL YEAR WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY POKING NEEDLES UNDER MY TOE NAILS THAN SHOP FOR GIRL CLOTHES!

Some people just hop on Gap.com and click clickety click their way to shopping success. But since I have a daughter that is shaped like a very short No. 2 pencil, everything meant to be worn on the lower half of the body falls off of her no matter how far that EZ Waist is cinched in. And could Gap please make a shirt that doesn't say "GAP" on the front? Gap Baseball, Gap Girl, Gap Athletics, we get it already! You shopped at The Gap!

I could shop at abercrombie, but the last time I checked, I haven't won the lottery.

At some point I'll eventually end up ordering a few things from Mini Boden, but only after their stuff goes on sale and I can get free shipping, which won't happen until after school starts.

I know I could go to other stores, like JCPenney, WalMart, Kohl's and Sears, but being in any of these bowels of retail hell gives me anxiety and as a result my vision becomes blurry and I can never find anything that doesn't have a kitten, a bouquet of flowers or a licensed character on it. Or maybe it's that these stores don't sell anything that doesn't have a kitten, a bouquet of flowers or a licensed character on it.

So to get through the first few weeks of school, I considered just going to Target and actually looking at what they are offering for the shortest students this fall. After all, their inventory changes by the hour so chances are I should be able to find something cute, trendy and age appropriate, right!? WRONG! I checked out the first rack of clothes, directly inside the door, prominently displayed, and found this season's hottest offering: apparently Target is saying no to childhood and has decided to put their efforts into dressing all of the local suburban girls for hooker school:

I sure hope Zoe won't mind going to school in a pair of random shorts and a free t-shirt that one of her brothers got from a tennis tournament.