The Great MN Let's ALL Get Together

As we've done in years past, Doug and I celebrated our wedding anniversary at the MN State Fair. The difference this year, though, was that while I was at the Fair with five children, Doug chose to celebrate our anniversary by himself. At home. Not surrounded, as I was, by what seemed to be the entire population of Minnesota as they simultaneously ambled, smoked and cursed around me, grazing on cheese curds, fried candy bars, corn and about 1802 other things. And while this may sound like a not very romantic way to spend a day celebrating our love, let me tell you that if he would have joined me this year, I guarantee he would have been arrested for violently assaulting a slow walker, I would have had to swing by jail on the way home to bail him out, and that's not very romantic, either.

Since my boys are both equipped with phones and are old enough to experience this day of sensory overload by themselves, they were turned loose (with friends) for a couple hours, which left just Zoe (in her wagon) and I to go wherever we wanted to. And we would have went wherever we wanted to if it weren't for the fact that approximately three million people were in our way. Seriously. Three million. I fucking counted each and every one of them, and I am not exaggerating when I say that I was tempted to count some of them twice. So as I weaved and bobbed my way through crowded intersections, "accidentally" running over a set of toes here and "oopsie, did I just bash you in the shin with my wagon" there, all I could think about was holy shit, dude, I am sooo glad that Doug is not here because he would be Miz. Rah. Bull.

Because of this arrangement, I was the only one available to be Designated Wagon Puller. And since I needed to drink beer (obviously), that left me with zero hands to take pictures. That is, until I figured out that I could prop the front tire of the wagon next to my foot and hold the beer (which always seemed to be half-empty) with my teeth. This allowed me to take pictures with one hand and reach into the wagon for a spring roll with the other. Multitasking at it's finest, really.

Even with this arrangement, though, I missed some incredible photo ops. Fair do's, immense human beings, fanny packs, tube tops -- by the time I had stopped the wagon and clenched the beer glass in my teeth -- all of these amazing sights had whipped by and out of frame. So, I'm sorry for what I failed to capture, but hope you enjoy the shots that I did manage to get.

Just in case you thought that I was exaggerating and/or making excuses as to why I missed some pictures, this is approximately 1/2000th of the crowd. Now, see that lady in the pink shirt? I think I knicked her toes with my wagon.

But even as crowded as it was, I can't believe that I still managed to find Brett Favre.

There is an area of the Fair called the International Bazaar where you'll find all kinds of non-Minnesotan foods and useless crap for sale. When we got there, there was a mariachi band playing (which immediately made me crave a margarita) and a bunch of people eating tamales. So why, exactly, did I see a dude wearing a beret? More importantly, why would a dude ever wear a beret?

This is obviously a couple in love. And I wonder if the tattoo on her back was complimentary when she paid to have the jeans tattooed on her thighs.

It's a good thing this kid's mom is so smart, demonstrated by the fact that she tied the balloon to his wrist. There's nothing worse than paying good money for a balloon only to have it fly away within minutes of ownership. Now, if only she could find him a black and white shirt to match his wig/hat/moron badge...

Hey, maybe she can ask these guys where they got their's.

Normally I don't post/email/share any pictures until after I get home, but this one I immediately texted to my husband with a subject line of "You can't make this shit up."

For all you single fellas, one of the most popular places to pick up hot chicks at the Grandstand is at the personal massager/ massage chair booth. If you're lucky, you'll find someone wearing a sexy pair of flesh colored capris. And yes, she's willing to take pictures.

Show me a two-headed man, I won't stare. Show me a kid with full facial hair, I won't stare. Show me a kid on a leash, I will always stare.

Like I said... I will ALWAYS stare. And the best thing about this master was that right after I took this pic, she unhooked the leash and said "You're going potty now" to which the little doggy said "No ruff ruff I don't have to go potty." So of course she said "Yes you do, so let's go potty" to which the puppy said "Noooooo! I don't want to goooooo!" So at least we know that the leash isn't because the nice owner has a control issue or anything.

I'll bet that when this guy found out that he won something from the MN State Lottery, he had no idea that it would be this piece of shit ladybug backpack thing. And then when he found out that it was the backpack, he had no idea that he would be the one to end up carrying the stupid thing around for the rest of the day.

I swear I saw his wife smirking.

This guy is taking his visit to the Alpaca booth just a bit too seriously. And I would bet money that he ate the overpriced alligator on a stick. Hell, I bet he wrestled the alligator before he ate it.

Right before we left, one of my kid's friends yelled "Gross Jody! That guy just hurled on the street!" and sure enough I was stupid enough to turn my head and see a giant puddle of fresh barf. And then, like the sickos that we are, we waited around to see if anyone was clueless enough to walk through the barf bog so that we could laugh and I stood there hoping like hell that this chick would show up.

In addition to seeing Brett Favre, I also saw Pat Benatar.

I was trying to get a picture of that guy's mullet, and then as if on cue, these two women wandered into the frame. I literally threw my arms into the air and yelled "Holy shit! You have GOT to be kidding me!"

Quote from my husband: "This guy was skinny when he got to the Fair."

This woman doesn't look that bad, right? I mean, black is a slimming color and the top is sort of a flattering cut. So why would I bother taking this picture?

Because of the back view.

In all the years that I've seen cargo shorts in existence, I've never actually seen anyone put them to actual cargo use. My kid is the one who spotted this guy, and at first he thought they were boxes of cigarettes. I think his actual words were "Check it out, mom. That guy sure is prepared for a full day of smokin' at the fair!" This assumption makes sense, too, since everyone in his group - along with 82% of the other Fair attendees - was smoking. I was just secondhand smoking.

She's so lucky that this was the day before Labor Day, otherwise that white skirt/leggings combo would have been a major fashion faux pas.

At the International Bazaar, there was a booth that was a combination of rug seller and fancy braider. My first thought was "who the fuck buys a big ass rug at the State Fair?" which was immediately followed by "Who the fuck gets their hair braided all fancy at the State Fair?" Well, right after I saw some dude walking around carrying a big ass rug, I saw these braids.

Seriously, people, can you imagine touching some stranger's greasy State Fair hair for an extended amount of time? Just to put in some stupid braid!? Gross...

In 1986, there were some god awful ugly "leather" purses for sale in the International Bazaar. In 2011, there are still some god awful ugly "leather" purses for sale in the International Bazaar. In fact, they're probably the same purses.

In case you're wondering, this guy likes Sturgis. And insanely blue Levis. And motorcycles. But he hates sleeves. And even though he probably loves the Minnesota State Fair, I'll bet he didn't take any pictures.

The Scavenger Hunt, Part Dos

Some couples celebrate their wedding anniversary by showering each other with diamond encrusted gifts, jetting off to extravagant weekend getaways, eating dinner at expensive restaurants or maybe even renewing their vows in front of hundreds of friends and family members. Doug and I, on the other hand, chose to celebrate the anniversary of the day that I wore white satin by exposing our senses and digestive systems to the Minnesota State Fair, surrounded by 234,382 other people who thought that last Saturday was a perfect day to strap on a fanny pack, put on some walking shoes and, apparently, wear the most god awful, hideous, ridiculous looking outfit ever to be worn in public.

Since I recently created The Mean Mom's State Fair Scavenger Hunt, I decided to have even more fun during this kid-free trip to The Great MN Get-Together and rack up some points. But within minutes of walking through the gates and witnessing the cornucopia of checklist material, I realized that I would never be able to hold my list, a pen, a beer and a tray of reuben balls without dropping something. So I did what any responsible, mature, moral person would do -- I took pictures instead.

It's not everyday that you see a guy wearing higher heels than his lady friend. But then, it's not everyday that you see two adults wearing this much pleather. At least her bag adds a splash of color and her black jorts are stylish. If this was 1989.

Not only is this is a scooterin' couple, but I'm 99.9% positive that they were also scooterin' rookies because she almost took out three people within five seconds trying to figure out how to operate a piece of machinery designed for the physically challenged. She kept yelling "Wait up! Wait up dammit!" while popping the clutch, peeling out and repeatedly killing the electric engine.

Apparently, even gimps get a hankerin' for mini donuts and cheese curds.

I realized after I chased this guy down and took this picture that I had been yelling "Holy shit you guys! It's a grown man wearing a Spider Man shirt! Check out the Spider Man shirt! On an adult! Hahahaha!" Fortunately, he never turned around and shot me with his webs.

This guy is blending in, thanks to his giant chameleon.

I'm not sure which is stranger: The guy voluntarily hauling a gorilla around on his back, or the girl wearing a shirt that is buttoned up the back. I'm thinking the shirt, but it's a close one.

There is so much happening in this picture that you can't see: A) The girl is swaying with intoxication, B) He has crazy eyes, C) They had just been fighting and screaming but realized that people could hear them so they brought it down to a conversation That. Goes. Like. This. Can. You. Under. Stand. Why. I'm. So. PISSED! But at least he has jeans that fit well. If you're the kind of person that just took a dump. In your pants.

Okay, so five minutes after the previous picture was snapped, the girl sat/collapsed down on the curb and started sobbing, and the guy, well, he was obviously really upset that she was crying because he spent the next few minutes texting while looking around with those crazy eyes. Something tells me they won't be celebrating a 17th anniversary.

This couple wins the Most Prepared To Be A Lazy Ass and Haul Free Shit Home From the Fair Award. The scooter built for two, the blue bin normally designed for camping trips and garage storage, the matching hats, the whole bungee cord system to keep the bin and Mildred from flying off the back and the insane level of thought and organization that went into the whole operation. Basically, if I were a psycho fair-goer and wasn't so focused on just drinking beer, this is probably what I'd look like. Except without the hat.

So here's the thing, when I put "Barf on the street" on the scavenger hunt list, I didn't mean that I actually wanted to see the person putting it there. In fact, I would be fine never being able to claim those points! I was unfortunate enough to find this girl standing in front of me in the bathroom line and I made sure to stay back, out of the splash zone.

This girl was also out of the splash zone, which is a good thing because can you imagine how unsightly barf spots would look on these lovely tube socks? And that mini skirt with the exposed slip hem, I gotta get me one of those.

Now is when I will apologize to a certain friend named Betsy because I'm about to steal one of her photo captions from the past: Custody Day Dad.

Stop wiping your sugar and grease covered fingers on my new Amish quilt! And unless I acquired you from a Grandstand vendor, get your ass out of my wagon!

This kid is going to rock and roll all night and party every day! Or, at least he'll rock and roll until about 10:00 and party every day until school starts and he has to go study spelling words.

At first I thought maybe Vince Neil was in town for the KISS concert, you know, supporting the rock 'n roll/heavy metal industry and catching up with old friends. And then this guy turned around and I realized it wasn't Vince Neil at all. In fact, the guy's name was probably Brandon or something.

What you can't see happening behind the free UCare tote bag is these two lovebirds holding hands. That's right, people! 250 lb woman with a 90 lb boyfriend! One point for me! Wait a second, only one point? Who made this stupid list and assigned one measly point to this amazing find?

Dammit! I forgot my boombox in the back of the El Camino! Rico, run on out to the Giraffe Lot and grab my boombox! And grab me a Chuckwagon sandwich from the Deli Express booth on your way back!

I think it's pretty neat how she matched her belt to her bag, and her muffin top to the decorative edging on her purple shoes. And I'm not sure about this, but I'm pretty sure those pants are painted on.

The quintessential Fairgoer. The braids, the pleather backpack, the nursing home green jacket paired together with the scrubs blue pants -- this is the fair-going look that thousands of people strive to achieve but can never quite accomplish.

I know it's hard to see, but if you look really close you can sort of see a line. And if you were able to look to the left of this picture, you would see that the line stretches one block up the street. And if you could see further into the picture, you would see that the line is five people wide and snakes through a building, and the people in the front of the line have been waiting for a couple hours. So now you're thinking, these people must be lining up for some spectacular shit, right?!

Wrong. They're lining up for this backpack. This piece of crap, is going to break in a matter of hours, sewn together by underpaid women in Uruguay, stiffer than the sole of a Birkenstock backpack.

It was kind of chilly when we were there so I was prepared to forfeit all bikini top, miniskirt and wife beater points. And then, for a few brief seconds, the wind died down, the crowd parted and five points appeared.

Seriously, you can never have too many pictures of kids on a leash. And this is worth bonus points, because her walker is wearing a fanny pack. Maybe she has some treats stashed in that fanny pack. For when, you know, the girl does a cool trick or something.

I think this guy was at the Fair for the KISS concert, but you can never be 100% sure. He might have just worn this outfit because it's really roomy, comfortable and extra colorful, thereby making it easier for his wife to spot him in a crowd. Oh what the hell am I saying...this guy doesn't have a wife.

I thought about standing in the crowd, raising my hand and quizzing the lady about cocktails ("Can I make margaritas? How about pina coladas? Does it whip up a good daiquiri?") but honestly the only reason I went near this live action infomercial is because it was on the way to the bathroom. And it was worth five points.

Doug hates it when I phrase things like this, but -- who wears jeans like this and a shirt like that? (answer: she does). Who wouldn't notice that her waistband is cutting off the circulation to her lower extremities? (answer: this girl) Wouldn't it be uncomfortable to have your entire waistline lopping over your pants? (answer: probably) Who walks out in public dressed like this and thinks Damn I look hot? (answer: again, she does.)

Yes, I get it. You like people to look at you. You wake up in the morning looking like a normal person before you go to your part-time job at Staples or PetSmart, but after your shift is done, and after you spend hundreds of dollars and just a few hours in front of the mirror, voila! You get attention!

Mommy please? Can I please have my face painted like a mime? Then I could do that cool trick where I pretend like I'm trapped in a box, or that other cool trick where I pretend like I'm walking into the wind! Please? I LOVE mimes!

If this guy had a theme song, I predict that it would go something like this: "You've got a lot more, goin' for you at Hank. Hardware Hank."

Well, either that or "Jeremiah Was a Bullfrog."

I am proud of this shot because instead of making things easy for myself by loitering around the Fair-Do booth where I would have a wide assortment of Do's to choose from, I waited for the tiara adorned wad of cotton candy to come to me.

Okay honey, I got the beer, the crap we bought in Heritage Square, the giant pig, and I got the -- oh crap! Where did we leave the kid?

Oh, there she is.

It's impressive that the appeal of KISS has managed to reach so many different people. The young and old, boys and girls, thin and, um, did I say young and old yet?

I really do like the camera on my iPhone. It somehow managed to capture the chemistry between these two and accentuated the sunlight as it plays off of their mullets.

Somebody get this boy a rental scooter!

When you're a parent, at what point do you look at the midway prize and think "there is no way in hell that thing is coming home with us." Is it A) When the carni is handing it to you, B) When your kid gets tired of hauling it around, or C) After the prize has been sitting in grease, dirt, spit, horse poop residue, spilled beer and decaying food?

Hold on kids, I just have to text mom and let her know that she is married to a moron.

Okay, so I keep forgetting...who was playing a concert at the Grandstand on Saturday night? Oh yeah, that's right. It was Garrison Keillor.

After seeing more pair in one evening than I ever wanted to see in a lifetime, there will be an addition to the Scavenger Hunt for next year: jeggings.

Hey, check out the Bump-it on the chick in the black shirt.