Wacky Wednesday

Zoe finally gets to be Star of the Week this week. They sent the pre-printed booklet home about a month ago, probably assuming that some parents were going to put off completing the thing until the Sunday night before the big week. Whether this is a good or bad thing to admit, I am not one of those parents. That sucker has been hanging, completed, on our refrigerator for over three weeks and the anticipation has been building.

As luck would have it, Zoe's week happens to be a four-day week so she gets shafted one day of stardom. Also, her big week coincides with the classroom's celebration of Chinese New Year. Whether this was intentional or not, I will never know. But FYI teacher: Zoe is not Chinese.

One thing I forgot to mention in the previous SOTW post is that in addition to including pictures and completing the questions in the booklet, each day requires a special item to be sent to school and shared with the class. Monday is booklet and picture day, Tuesday is talent day, Wednesday is "Mystery Bag" day, and I won't bore you with the rest. Since there was no school on Monday, I sent Zoe's booklet and "talent" on the same day. Her "talent" was her tennis racquet, but since we aren't lame we don't refer to tennis as a talent: we refer to it as a sport.

When she got home from school on Tuesday with the handle of her racquet poking out of her backpack, I asked her if the other kids thought it was cool that she plays tennis and if she got to demonstrate her backhand. She said: "The teacher didn't have time to do that today. I guess I'll just skip it." Oh yeah, sure. Shaft my daughter one day from her SOTW week, and then don't let her "accidentally" nail the nose-picking kid in the back of the head while she shows off her backhand. I don't think so.

I emailed her teacher (yet again) to ask what happened and if I should send the racquet again tomorrow even though it was Mystery Bag day, or what the hell she wanted me to do. She replied: "I asked her if she had her talent, and she said no. Please send the talent tomorrow and the Mystery Bag, too." I was immediately frustrated and emailed back, saying that "Zoe calls tennis a sport, not a talent. She had no idea what you were talking about when you asked her if 'she brought her talent.'"

Again, I don't know if this is a good or bad thing, but I am a parent that sends signed permission slips and Wednesday Envelopes (don't ask) back to school the following day. If there are art supplies requested for the following week, I send them to school a week early. I do not forget to send snow pants, labeled mittens or library books and none of my kids have had to walk around with the stamp of shame on their hand, alerting everyone to the fact that they have a low balance in their lunch account.

If the teacher would have thought about it for one minute, she maybe would have realized that I most likely didn't forget to send something in for Zoe to share and maybe she could have just asked in a different way. Perhaps, "Is there something extra in your backpack that you brought to show the class?" or "Why is there a tennis racquet handle poking out of your backpack?" These are questions that Zoe would have understood, because they make sense.

Also on Wednesday, in addition to swinging her racquet in class and sharing the contents of her Mystery Bag, it was also Wacky Wednesday. In the past Zach and Charlie have never dressed wacky or done wacky things with their hair, mostly because they have buzz cuts but also because they consider dressing wacky a "girl thing." So since Zoe is a girl and isn't passive or shy, she was more than happy to embrace Wacky Wednesday, including wearing a Squidward tattoo in the middle of her forehead. I guess I won't be surprised, though, if her teacher says: "Zoe, did you remember to wear something for Wacky Wednesday? Where's your wacky outfit and hairdo?"

Star Of The Week

A few years ago, when Zach was a fifth grader and Charlie was in third, I allowed myself to drink a couple extra back-to-school celebratory cocktails because it meant that after five years of assembling Star Of The Week (SOTW) posters, I was beginning my three-year reprieve.

In kindergarten, SOTW means that the kid gets to wear a star necklace, spend five days sharing fun facts about themselves, sit on a star rug, and be a line leader. The teachers like to think that it helps build respect and understanding for one another, and build a stronger classroom community. I, on the other hand, am pretty sure that the other kids mutter a G-rated version of "Stupid stuck up bitch" when the SOTW is wearing her necklace and sitting on the star rug.

Now that Zoe is in school, I'm back to having to celebrate SOTW, and the school has made a few changes to the program. Apparently they realized that the posters had become yet another way for moms to one-up each other, trying to see who could spend the most money at Archivers or JoAnn in an attempt to make the other children feel even more inferior. "Look, my mom used swirlybobs, rose embellishments, and butterfllies, and decoupaged my curvy cut picture on a piece of vellum, which is attached to foam core using flower eyelets, and then she used glimmer mist spray to add a special touch of shine."

Now the teachers send home a booklet that has been pre-printed with questions on plain white copy paper, and I'm supposed to add pictures and "help" Zoe fill in the blanks. I may have to revise our answers a little bit, since the space provided in the booklet is kind of small.

My full name is: Zoe Joy Adkins, but for some reason people sometimes call me "Stinker Face, Fart Queen," or "What Were You Thinking." I prefer to be called Zoe.

The best thing about me is: Well, everything, duh. If someone doesn't agree with me, then that means they're stupid.

My family pet is a ___, and it's name is: We have a dog. At least, I think it's a dog. Do dogs smell bad and sometimes poop on the floor? Yes? Okay, then yes, we have a dog. His name is Cosmo, he's really super old, and he smells bad and sometimes poops on the floor.

I have lost ___ baby teeth: Zero, okay? Go ahead, rub it in. Stupid Tooth Fairy, who needs her?

The color of my hair is: Brown. But in the summer I get these really cool highlights without even trying, and it seems to irritate my mom, because whenever she brushes my hair I hear her mutter, "It's not fair. It's just not fair. I pay for my color and it never looks this great."

I am ___ years old, and my birthday is on: I'm five and a half. Don't forget the half or I'll have to hurt you. Sometimes that extra half year comes back to bite me in the butt, because if I'm screaming about something that's not going my way, my mom will say, "Zoe, five-and-a-half-year-olds do not act like that, only five-year-olds do." So sometimes, getting older really sucks. Oh, my birthday is on June 2. It's an awesome day to have a birthday.

My favorite food is: Pears, strawberries, noodles, bacon, apples, cheese pizza, grapes, ham sandwiches with lettuce, pasta, raw carrots, red peppers, macaroni, and noodles.

Please do not feed me: Noodles with more than a tablespoon of sauce, cheese other than muenster, onions, broccoli, cooked carrots, anything spicier than air, blemished fruit, mashed potatoes, olives, or baked beans unless you want me to gag.

I really like to: Swim. Swimming is fun. But I also really like to play video games, run around pretending to be a dog, sing, dance, win, shake my butt, color, hog attention, yell at Charlie, and play Uno. Oh, and I'm an awesome tennis player.

When I grow up I want to be a: Doctor. I'm really good at putting Band-Aids on, but I have a tendency to burst into tears when I see that someone has a bloody ow, so who knows.

A few more pieces of critical information: My favorite number is 100, I like to play with my Playmobil camper, Halloween is the funnest holiday ever, I like things that are pink (but not ugly pink), I can't wait for Spring, I will never get sick of reading "The Monster At The End Of This Book" or watching "Spongebob," Sundays are fun, and is there any animal cooler than a zebra? I didn't think so.