Thanks, Mom

(Originally posted on November 23, 2009)

One question that a stay-at-home mom deals with all the time is, "So what exactly do you do all day anyway?" In addition to sitting on the couch with a bag of chips watching a Meredith Baxter Birney marathon on Lifetime, there are times when I find it necessary to mutate into more than a few dozen other people in order to create an efficient, happy household. Several of these roles are often overlooked and taken for granted in the chaos of our day-to-day lives. With the craziness of the holidays quickly approaching, I always carve out some time to reflect on the past and give thanks to these people, just in case my kids get too busy asking for stuff and forget to.

Cleaning Lady. In addition to the monotonous vacuuming/dusting/ de-gunking/scrubbing/sweeping, this kind lady also wipes up sticky spills that mysteriously appear, gets dog barf out of the carpet, unclogs toilets, organizes closets, kills bugs, does endless loads of laundry, and has even been known to iron.

Human Resources. Thank you for encouraging cooperation and empathy, teaching the five-year-old how to use words instead of her clenched fists, solving the famous "Who Touched Who First" dilemma, and managing to get the teenager to say something besides, "Maybe you could be lamer, Charlie."

Landscape Contractor. The lawn is always a welcome place for a picnic or a game of baseball, thanks to the person that weeds, mows, trims, and picks up the dog crap. And contrary to popular belief, I know that this person does not appreciate hearing, "Gross Mom, you missed a pile over here."

Hospitality Manager. After making sure that the bar fridge is stocked with an assortment of beverages and always having snacks on hand, I appreciate this individual's willingness to host science project get-togethers, video game marathons, and the occasional sleepover, no matter how weird the other kids might smell.

Dog Groomer. After brushing the dog, washing the dog, clipping the nails, and drying the dog, the dog seems a little less revolting for at least five hours, unless the stupid dog runs into the backyard and promptly rolls in goose shit. And since the dog groomer isn't insane, expressing the anal glands is not in the job description.

Anesthesiologist. Thank you, Benadryl.

Nurse. An extra-hearty thank you for never giving the 32-pound child an overdose of Motrin, knowing all the tricks to reduce a fever, never doing the dreaded "gasp loudly and make giant eyes" reaction when a kid falls down, spotting a phony, dishing out just the right amount of sympathy when necessary, and making soup.

Psychologist. Somehow, this person is almost always able to win a battle and doesn't care if the kids get mad about the result. She can also tell the difference between when a kid is about to lose it and needs a break, and when the kid needs to suck it up and push himself. The psychologist also knows that the oldest kid doesn't talk very much; but when he finally does, she bakes some pre-made cookie dough and actually listens.

Chauffeur. How do I thank this person enough? Constantly getting kids, sports equipment and backpacks in and out of the car, sometimes passing herself on the freeway, rarely being late, never relinqishing power over the radio, and somehow always having a granola bar and a bottle of water available for a hungry/thirsty kid. How she manages to not scream obscenities at all of the stupid, horrible, texting drivers out there is beyond me.

Activities Coordinator. Scheduling dentist, doctor, and eye appointments, violin, piano, and tennis lessons, haircuts, tennis tournaments, and piano recitals in coordination with the school calendar is no easy feat. At least this person is smart enough to also make time for happy hours and vacations.

Nutritionist. Thank you for having the backbone to say, "No. You cannot have a Sour Patch Kids sandwich for lunch," always having fresh fruit in the house, making dinner every night, and even remembering to feed the dog. Creating a meal that isn't too cheesy, spicy, fatty, gooey, meaty, vegetabley, or squishy is not the easiest thing to do.

There are so many things that moms do everyday, and it's easy to feel like no one notices that the house is clean, there's food in the fridge, the school projects are completed on time, and the beds are made. Some people will try to make you feel better by saying: "It's a thankless job, get used to it," "But the kids are so sweet, treasure every moment," "It's such a privilege that you should appreciate," or some other pointless cliche. I know it's a privilege to not have to drive to work, I wouldn't trade being a mom for anything, and while most days are great, some are the absolute opposite of great. At some point every year, I think every mom should be able to say... "SOMETIMES THIS SUCKS! SAY THANK YOU! And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go make a drink. Or three."

I'm Always In My Happy Place

It's been an interesting week and in particular, it was a very interesting Thursday. Since I feel like there was enough drama before even the most irresponsible person was sitting on a bar stool, I've decided that it's a perfect time to remind people that, contrary to what some might think, I'm not always pissed off and hyper-critical. In fact, I'm generally a pretty optimistic and happy person and there are definitely some things (and people) in life that make me smile more than others.

So, I'm going to take a little break from picking on people (at least for a few hours, but maybe for the entire weekend) and since the weather forecast includes sunshine, blooming flowers and mild temperatures, maybe that will encourage the inconsiderate assholes of the world to take a short hiatus from being their, um, assholeish-selves too.

(The Mean Mom Gives Thanks: Originally posted on 11/26/09, a/k/a Thanksgiving)

At some point today, I'll take a break from the gluttony and carb inhalation, put down the gravy boat, and think about what I'm thankful for. There are the obvious answers: my family, health, indoor plumbing, the fact that Williams Sonoma now sells a citrus wedger "for professional looking cocktail garnishes," and unlimited texting on our cell phone plan. But there are other little luxuries, people and events in my day-to-day existence that deserve a little recognition and appreciation too.

• The power sliding doors on my minivan.
• Birth control
• Restaurant coupons
• Wide-width shoes with low heels.
• The "Need Cocktail" flag on the back of my chair when I'm on vacation.
• Skinny cocktail straws
• Store-bought ice
• Lucky jeans and Mini Boden
• When the five-year-old, from her booster seat, yells "Come on! Green means go!" at the car in front of us.
• The fine line between OCD and being hyper-organized, ADHD and efficient multi-tasker, control freak and not-quite-a-control freak.
• Noodles & Co.
• The fact that when my boys ask for grilled cheese, they mean Swiss cheese and corned beef on pumpernickel.
• Birth control
• A happy hour that includes 2-4-1's.
• French fries at the happy hour that includes 2-4-1's.
• My husband's (dark) sense of humor.
• Garbage day at 7:30 AM
• Byerly's delivery/drive-thru grocery service, which includes booze.
• A best friend that shares a brain with me.
• Full fat salad dressing
• Michele Bachmann, because no matter how bad or dumb I feel on any given day, at least I'm better and smarter than her.
• 93X, especially in the morning.
• My eyes, and their ability to say so many things without me having to actually utter a word.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Sharing The Love

Valentine's Day is lame. I'm convinced that the holiday was conceived in a junior high locker bay in Wichita by an 8th grade girl named Bernice Madsen. Bernice was frustrated because her main man Walter had been expressing his love and affection in ways that Bernice found inadequate, pathetic and cheap. So, after a brainstorming session with a few other pissed off girls, they created a day called "Buy Me Shit Or I'll Be A Bitch Day" (which has since been renamed "Valentine's Day"). News of this gift-giving/unrealistic expectations day spread like a flu epidemic across the country, eventually resulting in the production of hideous heart-shaped jewelry, highly-flammable heart-shaped pillows, overpriced flowers that die within hours of receipt and pajamas that no woman, unless booze is involved, would ever allow to come into contact with her skin.

Since I profess my love to my kids and my husband on a daily basis, and I have a strong dislike for anything heart-shaped, I won't be celebrating Valentine's Day. But since I don't want to be a complete party-pooper, I thought I'd use the day to express my love for a few individuals that I sorta love, because they make my life easier:

• Happy Valentine's Day garbage man, and thank you for showing up every Wednesday morning bright and early to haul away my crap. Even when I've strategically stacked stuff well over the top of the container and it falls out and lands on the street, you always take the time to get out of your warm truck and pick the shit up. I really appreciate that, because the thought of having garbage in my possession any longer than absolutely necessary makes me crazy. I don't know if you do this extra service because you're good at your job, or if it's because you see me glaring out the front window, ready to scream if you quickly drive away, pretending not to notice the stuff that fell out. Either way, thank you.
• I really like Elle, at Floyd's Barbershop, for always managing to cut Zoe's bangs in a way that makes her look bad ass and cute at the same time, and not at all like an American Girl Doll.
• The non-English speaking table clearer guy that has worked forever at Noodles & Co. has a special place in my heart because not only does he take away my dirty bowl, but he always has a smile on his face and a free cookie for Zoe.
• I love that the tennis racquet stringers at Michael Lynne's have saved our asses by being able to get a stringing job done in less than an hour. In a perfect world, my boys are supposed to monitor their strings and check them for wear, and not wait until we are minutes away from leaving for a tournament to say: "Hey, check it out. This string is about to break." Obviously, we do not live in a perfect world.
• I love any bartender or liquor store employee that has carded me, and went the extra, morale-boosting mile to say "Wow!" after looking at my birthdate.
• I definitely like the people at school drop-off that actually know what they're doing and don't drive around with their head up their ass.
• Since I'm supposed to love my neighbors, I guess I should be extra appreciative of one neighbor in particular for showing me exactly what to do if I ever want to be known as The Worst Neighbor In The World. By all means, keep using your lawn mower/leaf blower/ weed whacker after 9pm, your snowblower at 6am, your Shop-Vac at 10pm and put your screaming, uncoordinated kids in the yard anytime you want to. And speaking of your kids, you should definitely take every opportunity to tell me about how amazing, smart, intelligent, one-of-a-kind, spectacular, gifted and outstanding they are. I can see why, if I have the common courtesy to mutter "hi" while I'm getting the newspaper in my pajamas, you would interpret that as "Oh, you must want to hear all about my kids. And my job. And my wife's job." By all means, neighbor, keep up the good work because the longer you keep acting like this, the more people will talk about you, which will leave them less time to talk about me.

I hope everyone has a Happy Valentine's Day tomorrow, whether you're acknowledging it's existence or not. I might even take the day off from writing and being mean, because after all, in addition to it being about horrendous gifts, disappointment and feeling lonely, it's a day about love. In fact, maybe I'll hang out with my neighbor for the afternoon, while our kids have a play date. You never know, I might just find a new use for his Shop-Vac.