Thank you, now kiss my ass

With just over a month left of this school year, I can safely say that A) the last day can't come soon enough, B) science teachers that also happen to be Atheist have an interesting teaching style, C) there are a lot of clueless parents out there, and D) I'm sick of being in my car. Or, to be more specific, I'm sick of being in my fucking car, listening to my kid tell me about how it's his science teacher's goal to fail everyone in the class "to make a statement," only to deal with stupid ass annoying parents as soon as I get out of my car.

Since there are at least three days out of the week where I look at my calendar and discover that I'm supposed to be in at least two different places at exactly the same time, I have had to suck it up and occasionally ask other people to give my kids a ride. After recent events, however, there is one family in particular that will never again be responsible for getting my kid from point A to point B.

Toward the end of every school year, in addition to the dozens of choir and orchestra concerts, the junior high hosts an Honors Night, recognizing those students that have maintained an "I'm not a moron" GPA for the majority of the year. This convention of smugness has always been held on a Monday evening, which coincidentally is the same evening that my kids have piano lessons. And high school tennis matches. And homework that needs to be completed in order to maintain the GPA that got their asses invited to the Honors Night to begin with. So since we have always had conflicts and my piano teacher seems to be as inflexible as a landscaping paver when it comes to canceling lessons, and even though my kids have always received the "Please Attend..." postcard, I've never made it a very big priority to attend this thing.

Both of my boys are on the varsity tennis team and last Monday (Honors Night) they both had fairly difficult matches that went to third sets. As I sat in just-below-40-degrees-not-including-the-wind temperatures, trying to say something more encouraging than "I'm freezing my ass off here so end this thing already!" and mourning the loss of feeling in my toes, I watched as their matches moved along and the time got later and later. When the last points were finally played, I realized that there was no way in hell that anyone was going to make it to their piano lesson and was instantly relieved that I had never even considered trying to make it to Honors Night. And then, as soon as I got in the car, Zach said "Okay, so I'm going to Honors Night. It's my last year at the junior high and I want to see what the thing is. Will you drop me off?"

I said fine, but I'm not staying (even though I know that every other parent would be there). And by the way if you see anyone there that lives within two miles of us, ask them if you can get a ride home. After all, I was planning on putting myself into a calorie coma with the beef stew that was waiting for me in a crock pot, so as far as I was concerned, making an unplanned drive back to the junior high was on my list of things to do, right after "Feed self to flesh eating zombies."

Fortunately, my kid found someone to ride home with and I was overcome with joy. And I didn't even experience too much guilt since these people live a whopping 1/10th of a mile away. But, like a good neighbor, I made a mental note to make sure and thank them for driving that extra tenth of a mile next time I saw them.

As luck would have it, both of us were back at the junior high on Wednesday night for a concert and sure enough, we bumped into each other. I said "Hey thanks for giving my kid a ride home on Monday night! My evening was chaos so I really appreciate it." And then, instead of just saying no problem, I got a fucking eye roll from her. And then a mini-lecture about how she couldn't believe I just dropped him off and didn't stay, and that they have a busy schedule too but some things should be viewed as a priority. And, well, to each their own but she makes her boys go to Honors Night because she's really proud of them and everyone should see that they got good grades and were invited.

And here's where I could have launched into a "do you know where the fuck I just drove from and what I just sat through" lecture, but it would have been pointless. I could have explained that FYI, just because I thought about driving to the bar as soon as I dropped my kid off at the front door of the school, it doesn't mean I actually followed through with it. (After all, I had my dog on my lap and the last time I checked, they still don't allow dogs in the bar.) And by the way, stupid wench, I already know my kids are smart. I certainly don't need to waste a Monday night standing around a school cafeteria, gnawing on a crappy cookie, to reassure myself of that fact.

Turns out that my kid only stayed at Honors Night for about 15 minutes after I dropped him off and as he ate his dinner, he filled me in on the details: he picked up a certificate, stood around, ate a couple crappy cookies and told people that wondered where I was that "she didn't want to come because she thinks it's pointless." So now I am beaming with pride because not only am I raising a smart kid, but I'm raising an honest kid, too!

See You On The Freeway!

During the next two weeks, my attendance is requested at an 8th grade choir concert, a 6th grade orchestra concert, a holiday piano recital, an MMTA piano recital, and a 6th grade Christmas program. I will also be driving to four tennis lessons for the boys, two tennis lessons for the girl, two piano lessons, two violin lessons, two before-school choir rehearsals, and an after-school orchestra rehearsal. There is also a six-hour tennis clinic an hour away from home, the last-minute holiday shopping to get done, plus a fundraiser at the junior high. In addition, Doug will be out-of-town for two days, and working a shit load of hours on the days that he's in town.

Oh, and at some point my family would probably like to eat, and they will need clean socks.

Up until this month, my schedule has been pretty manageable because I usually only need to be in one place at one time, with one activity per night. But December is always busier because of the holiday-theme concerts, the Christmas parties, and 4,000 extra errands, all crammed into three-weeks. It definitely makes it difficult to sit back and enjoy the sights and sounds of the season. Unless, of course, the sights include my bangs stuck to my sweaty forehead as I schlep stuff to and from the car, and the sounds include phrases like: "Get your shoes on now and get in the car! It's your concert we're late for!" and "No. I do not have a snack for you because I'm not a vending machine."

I cannot imagine December without having to simultaneously shop, wrap, cook, occasionally pee, decorate, entertain, shower, bake cookies, clean, be merry, and drive kids around. Right now, though, I am strongly considering buying all of my cookies, letting the dust accumulate, faking a couple illnesses on concert nights, serving take-out on Christmas Eve, and spending my newfound time taste testing festive cocktails. Something tells me that I wouldn't enjoy the holidays any less. In fact, I might even enjoy them more.

Creative Packaging

Over the last couple decades, Doug and I have had the pleasure of attending several concerts and sporting events, and the displeasure of paying $7.00 for a beer way too many times. I know that some people will say that it's possible to enjoy a hockey game without drinking, and obviously those people are crazy and need to do a couple Jello shots.

Before the days of full body pat-downs and bag searches, we would occasionally put a couple beers in our coat pockets. This technique had it's seasonal limitations, and often resulted in warmish, foamy beer since I have a tendency to skip down sidewalks.

Once we had kids and started taking them to some of the events, and I was hauling a ginormous tote/other people's shit/diaper bag, I started smuggling in juice boxes, Twizzlers, a bag of peanuts, crackers, etc. Technically you're not supposed to bring outside food into any venue because they want you to spend, spend, spend, but I have yet to come across a security guy that can look at my kid that has been well-trained to look sorrowful and say no.

More recently, this bag has been used to smuggle not only fruit snacks, but vodka. But since you can't just drop in the handle jug from Costco and walk through the gates, the packaging requires a little bit of creativity. I've used a refillable water bottle a couple times, and if the kids are with me it works. But Metallica was a different story.

It turns out that the security guys at a Metallica concert are kind of suspicious of everyone. Since I was hauling a giant momma tote bag, but had no kids with me, I suppose I looked extra guilty. He found my water bottle, which was wrapped in a sweater, in record speed and after I pleaded with him and tried to convince him that it really was just water, he pointed me toward the nearest garbage can and told me to throw it out. Doug just stood behind me, trying to hide his shame. As my girlfriend and I sadly walked toward the garbage can, she noticed a ticket line right by us that had no security and shoved me toward it. The vodka was stuffed back into the bag, the tickets were scanned, and we were good to go. Did this moment make me proud? Absolutely. We just saved at least $60 on cocktails!

After this incident, though, I realized that I needed to step up my efforts. After a little brainstorming with one of my husband's employees (yes, he has kick-ass employees), we came across the perfect vessel...a tampon box. Six 3 oz. refillable plastic bottles fit in the box, leaving just enough room for a bag of wedged limes. I filled four of the bottles with vodka, two with gin (clearly labeled, of course), and re-sealed the box shut with some double-face tape. I put it in the bottom of my bag, threw in some trail mix and Fun Dip's and after admiring the results, patted myself on the back. It was perfect.

During the Miley concert, one of my guy friends wanted to make a drink. It was great watching him fish through a tampon box to find the vodka like it was perfectly normal, and of course there are limes too!

Yes, my kids know that mom is sneaking in booze and I hope they're paying attention to the techniques being used, because when their old enough to drink, think of the money they'll save.