Get Away From Me!

There are times when it seems like my kids can't talk to each other without using a "you're the most annoying, stupid person I have ever encountered" tone of voice. It's like listening to a 12-hour debate about who touched who and why do you have to be so dumb and quit looking at me like that and oh my gosh your breath is going to kill me and move over I was sitting there first and no we're not keeping score because I hate losing.

On the weekends when the bickering becomes unbearable and I start checking out the prices of a one-way ticket to Fiji, I always suggest that maybe they should all retreat to their separate corners of the house far, far away from each other. After all, there is a playroom downstairs, Zach has a video game chair in his room upstairs, Charlie has a perfectly comfortable bed in his room down the hall and Zoe has, well, Zoe has wherever she damn well pleases because no one ever wins an argument with her and she never stays in one place for longer than three minutes anyway.

Just when I think that their age gap is getting bigger every day and our house will forever be known as Crabby Kid Headquarters and I'll have to wait until they're all over the age of 21 before they find common ground, the planets align, they quit fighting and sometimes they even manage to find something to do while being near each other:

Granted it's not exactly a Normal Rockwell moment and they aren't technically playing a game together, but at least no one is screaming about who is touching who or whose breath smells like a butt.

Some Evenings Stink More Than Others

Here's how my Monday night ended:

After dinner, Zoe hauled out Winnie The Pooh Candyland. When it was finally bedtime, and after I had played approximately 82 rounds with her, she made me promise that I would leave it on the table so that we can continue the marathon after breakfast. I agreed to leave the game out, but will consider this as pre-payment for any naughtiness I may commit in 2010, because: 1. I hate board games, especially licensed character mind-numbing, boring-ass board games, and 2. Leaving toys out-of-place overnight means I'll have a hard time going to sleep.

So anyway, after Zach and Charlie had played a couple hours of "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare" and managed to level up and acquire a throwing knife, they came upstairs around 10:00 and discovered Candyland sitting on the table. They proceeded to make up their own rules and became so captivated by the game that they failed to hear the "click click click" of the dog's toenails as he ran back and forth in front of the deck door. I knew what was about to happen, but waited to see if they would snap out of their moment of regression to notice. Sure enough, after a minute or so, I heard Charlie say: "Hey, you have to move two blue squares past the Heffalump before you...oh man. What's that smell? It smells like...OH MY GOD! COSMO TOOK A CRAP FIVE INCHES AWAY FROM ME!"

I walked over with a wad of toilet paper and saw both boys standing across the room, pinching their noses shut with one hand, and Charlie holding his Piglet game piece in the other. I calmly told them that if it was too hard for them to simultaneously notice that the dog needed to go outside and play Candyland, maybe they needed to move on to something easier. Like going to bed.

Just Get the Wii/Xbox360/PS3/DS

Per the request of a few friends, I am posting some pre-Xmas video game console buying tips for anyone that still doesn't own a Wii, is wondering if their ten-year-old should be playing M-rated games, or doesn't know that Xbox is owned by Microsoft. For those of you that pre-ordered "Modern Warfare" or have a child that runs around jumping on imaginary Goombas, feel free to add your own buying tips and opinions below.

To Wii or not to Wii. If your kids are under the age of 18, buy a Wii. If your kids are over 18 and at college, buy them, and yourself, a Wii. The console comes with one controller and one Nunchuk, so you will need to buy at least one more of each. These controllers burn through batteries, so you're best off getting the recharge station as well. We also have two Wii MotionPlus controllers, which have an enhanced range of motion and are great to have for "Tiger Woods Golf" and "Wii Sports Resort." Also, if your TV is mounted on the wall, get a wireless sensor bar. Do you need to buy a plastic tennis racquet, golf club or sword? No. Do you need a plastic steering wheel? For "MarioKart," yes.

Xbox360 is for more than just "Halo." Our house has an Xbox360 on two different TVs, because I play "Guitar Hero" and I got sick of sharing. In other words, we love Xbox. The game selection is huge, the systems don't freak out anymore, updates are easy to download, hooking up to a wireless network is a cinch (after purchasing a wireless adapter), playing online is fun, you can stream Netflix movies, and of course there's "Halo." I know that it's M-rated, and Charlie has been playing it since he was seven. In fact, that's the "Halo3" game guide that Zoe is studying in the picture above.

M-Rated stands for "Maybe". While there are a lot of M-rated games that I won't let my kids play, there are a few that are fine. How do you figure out which ones are okay? It's called research. "Halo" is fine, "Grand Theft Auto," not so much. They also love "Left4Dead," the "Call of Duty" series, and "Fable." Yes, characters shout out occasional obscenities in these games, but so do kids on the junior high bus. Are there images of violence? Yes. Are they giving my kids nightmares and making them immoral? No. If you still need to be convinced that M-rated games don't create horrendous, violence-loving freaks, find a teenager that gets good grades and that you respect, and ask him what video games he plays. Chances are, he's not sitting in the basement playing "Viva Pinata."

My kid has a PS2. Why do we need a PS3? Because it's awesome, that's why. It's wireless network-ready, "Little Big Planet" is by far one of Zach's favorite games ever made, Doug uses the Blu-ray player, "Ratchet & Clank" is fun to play because of the motion-sensing controllers, it has a huge hard drive, it operates with minimal fan noise, and it's pretty. You can hook these consoles up with either an HDMI or component cable, and they're extremely user-friendly.

But we travel a lot. The Nintendo DS is a necessity for a kid that spends any amount of time in the car or sitting at hockey/tennis/ basketball tournaments. There is a huge selection of affordable games, the rechargeable battery lasts forever, and you can play games wirelessly with friends. The Sony PSP is great too, especially for sports games, but it's a little heavier than the DS, and more expensive.

Parents that weren't and still aren't interested in video games themselves are usually tentative to bring consoles into the house no matter how much the kids beg, thinking that doing so will put an end to the days of playing outside, reading, communicating with other humans, or doing homework. My boys read almost an hour a day, practice piano, play outside with friends, play tennis, and are able to have a mostly intelligent conversation with other people. We have a strict "no video games on school days" policy, but on the weekends when Doug says, "Hey, anyone want to shoot some zombies?" I know that I won't see them surface for a few hours. At least I get an occasional text message that says, "Hi we need chips."

One Family Is Enough For Me

When Zoe gets home from school today, we'll probably have our usual 5-minute conversation. She'll inform me that she didn't get in trouble, but that Joe did. Then she'll tell me what she wants for lunch, which animals she thinks would be best at hopscotch (obviously a kangaroo), and finally she'll ask if it's still considered a school day, because if it's not, she gets to play her DS.

Yes, our family enjoys video and computer games. In more specific terms, four members of my family enjoy a wide range of games, and I enjoy one. Doug and the boys aren't overly picky about what they play, as long as the game doesn't suck, isn't glitchy, and preferably involves intellect, weapons and destroying zombies. I think we have owned every console ever made at some point in our lives, with the exception of the Sega Dreamcast. Did anyone buy this console?

I'm fairly sure that Charlie's main motivation to learn his shapes as a pre-schooler was so that he could operate a PlayStation controller with more efficiency. This kid started playing Halo about the same time he learned how to tie his shoes, and he can learn the controls to any game on any console in record speed. He also loves computer games, and occasionally likes playing "The Sims."

When "The Sims" first came out, I hovered by Doug and helped him build his house. It was actually kind of entertaining; picking out furniture and fixtures with fake money and being able to put walls exactly where you wanted them. There wasn't any frustration over being forced to decorate around ill-placed heat ducts or cursing at an idiot's floor plan. I even enjoyed selecting clothes for the fictional family. He eventually moved this well-dressed family into the house that we built, and that's when I lost interest.

At one point, I actually attempted to play the game independently, thinking that if I had total control over everything I might actually like it. I built a gorgeous home, added the basic furnishings, made sure there was a TV, and created a small family of my own. Suddenly, there were people telling me that they were hungry, they had to go to the bathroom, they were tired, they didn't want to go to school, they were bored, they wanted a friend over, they needed a ride to the movies, and so on. I felt anger and frustration building inside my brain and sweat forming on my palms, and that's when I realized...I was spending my free time doing exactly the same shit that I do all day. It was like someone tricked me into raising another family, except that these kids mumbled even more than my own and they couldn't afford a dishwasher because the dad always overslept for his job at the pet shop.

Sure, funny things have been known to happen in this artificial world. One of Doug's more clueless characters tried to cook soup and ended up burning the house down. Charlie built a house consisting of one room that contained a bed, a toilet, and a stove but made sure to put in a massive swimming pool and a juke box. He also created a family of 7 babies and one dad, and the dad would just sit at the computer playing a snowboarding game while the babies crawled around him, pooping in their diapers. I notice, though, that Doug doesn't create a character that is a small-business owner, and Charlie isn't exactly waking up the kids so that they get to school on time. The most realistic thing I've seen is the fact that no one likes to take out the garbage.

While the boys wait anxiously for the release of "Left4Dead 2," Zoe continues her Mario obsession, and Charlie considers putting the trailer for "Borderlands" on DVR, I'll just keep playing my plastic guitar and be able to kick all of their asses at Guitar Hero. Believe it or not, I still haven't beat that damn devil on expert, but at least he doesn't tell me when he has to pee.