You're Really, Like, Annoying

Since I'm not a kid anymore, I don't really go through any withdrawal or feelings of depression after Christmas or birthdays. If anything, the days following these once-a-year events are usually spent nursing a mild hangover, cleaning up after the hoopla and maybe initiating a short-term detox program. This year, though, there is one holiday that has left me wishing that it wasn't only once-a-year, and that is Mother's Day, because I not only had just a great Mother's Day, but an entire weekend. Doug and I got out without the kids on Friday night, I was lucky enough to make it through an entire Saturday without a kid forgetting about or losing anything, and then there was Sunday:

1. Everyone behaved and listened (proving that, with a lot of effort and concentration, anything is possible).
2. No one cried (at least not in front of me).
3. I got handmade gifts from the kids, and while I won't say specifically what Doug got me, I will say that I love it, it's made by a company that is also a fruit and it rhymes with iMad, or iFad. Or even iBad.
4. The dog never threw up (well, not in the house anyway).
5. Zach's science project group ended up not coming over to rehearse the "Ring of Fire" project.
6. The sun came out for the Twins game.
7. The Twins won 6-0.
8. While at the Twins game, Zach and I had a great bonding experience, thanks to four of the most annoying women in existence. Within minutes of these women sitting down in the seats directly behind us, Zach looked at me and said: "Oh man. This is gonna suck. They are going to talk non-stop about the most annoying crap. I can just tell." I took one look at them, listened in for four seconds and then thought wow, I am raising a smart child.

Visually, it was boob jobs, giant sunglasses, tight t-shirts with "Twins" bedazzled across the chest, skinny Hudson jeans, and stilettos. Yes, stilettos. At a baseball game. And even though I attempted to block out most of their riveting conversation, I couldn't help overhearing a few things because after all, a deaf person wearing noise-cancelling headphones wouldn't have been able to avoid overhearing a few things.

"Oh my god! Did I, like, tell you about the costume drama that I am going through for Amelia? It's just, like, too much. I can't even believe it. She has to be a dragon for the extravaganza and I am just, like, beside myself trying to make a dragon costume. I tried to incorporate the horns and tail from the Sassy Satan costume, but then she looks too much like the second dragon. It's just, like, so time consuming. And Kelly, you know Kelly, she's like, the one that threw a half-birthday party for her daughter and is just so over-the-top in everything, well you just know that she'll have the most decked out costume of all and I, like, can't compete with that. It's just too much, like, pressure."

"Has Gretta started doing talent shows yet? Wow. She'd love them. They're just so, like, super fun and they really bring out personalities. But Kelly is obsessed with these talent shows too and I guess it's fine if it's her thing and all but, like, I just don't see why she has to be so involved in absolutely everything and be so dominating. I know that she's just trying to make friends and stuff but, like, she doesn't have to be so perfect all the time."

(This is when I sent Doug a text and warned him to plug his ears, otherwise he'd probably end up hurling himself over the railing and onto the field.)

"Ooooh, lookie! Beverage Guy! What kind of beer do you have? Oh, hmmm, do you have Michelob Ultra? No? Oh, well, I guess I'll just have a margarita then. What? You don't do complicated drinks? Well, then, how about a mojito then. Oh, well, like, what do you do? Okay, well, then just a Michelob Ultra will be fine. Oh, right, no Ultra. Then a Michelob Golden. Okay honey, thanks sweetie. Yay!"

"So you guys all look so super cute today. I love your jeans. Me? Oh, thanks but I do not. No, really, stop. No, really. Really? You think this is cute? Well, thanks. I guess I do like the shirt. But you look, like, super cute."

"Cheers guys! I'm so glad you could come to the game! Happy Mother's Day to us! These are such great seats. I just love them. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers to us. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Yay us! (Smooch Smooch)"

"Oh did you know that they are showing a video about the body at school next week? Our little babies are getting so big! And I haven't done Friday folders because I've been, like, so busy with the dragon costume. Did I tell you about the dragon costume? It's like, totally taking up all my time right now, but it is going to be so great. And those Sassy Satan horns are just to die for."

(text from Doug: Enough with the fucking dragon costume already.)

"Ooooh, this beer is good but I have, like, no food in my stomach so I'm like, becoming really chatty. Can you tell? Oh, did I tell you that Amelia has a boy with downs syndrome in her class? Well, when she talks about him she says "the special needs boy." Isn't that just so sweet? She's so sweet. And she loves giving kisses and hugs and is so, like, lovey. Special needs, how sweet."

"I was just at Costco and they have just the best organic chicken right now. It's to die for. And the organic beef and organic crackers, too. Just delish. Absolutely, like, to die for. Amazing."

(Here, one of them said "damn" but then noticed Charlie sitting in front of her so she quickly said "Oops, I mean darnitt." Imagine her shock if I would have turned around and said what I wanted to say, which is "shut the fuck up.")

"Wow. You guys all look so super cute! This is just so super fun. We are so lucky because we have the best neighbors, like oh my god! I totally love you guys because we all get along, all the guys like each other and our kids all love each other and, like, play so super well together. Oh, I forgot what my point was. Anyway, like, it's so super. Love it!"

"My husband laughs at me because he says I'm high maintenance and hard to take care of. He thinks I'm like that mom from 'Modern Family,' you know the cute blonde one. Really? You think I look like her? You're so sweet! But really, It's such a good show and we DVR it. What? You don't DVR? I thought everyone DVR'd. You really should DVR. DVR-ing is, like, the only way I watch TV. I would DIE without my DVR."

(text from Doug: If a screaming line drive comes into our seats, I will be ducking and letting it go by me.)

"Oh, my god. Did you hear about Kelly telling everyone how, like, she and her husband basically just had to look at each other to get pregnant? How rude. She's so inconsiderate. I really felt that I owed it to her to point out how immature and mean she was by saying something so hurtful, because some people, like, struggle with that fertility stuff. So I did her a favor by telling her to stop being so mean and telling people that she can get pregnant."

"Seriously. We're all so lucky to know each other. I mean, like, you and I were friends, and then we were friends, and then you were friends, and then she and I were friends, and now we're all friends and oh, can I have some of that popcorn?"

(This is when Zach said "Can I be really obnoxious right now and make fun of how dumb they sound? Why did they even bother coming to a baseball game if they aren't even going to pay attention. I'll bet they don't even understand the game." I told him yes, he's probably right but no, he can't be obnoxious. That's my job.)

"Oh, I should take a picture and send it to my husband so he can see how much fun we're having. Look here and smile! I just love my phone because I can just text pictures all the time. See? I'm texting a picture! Isn't texting amazing!? And to be able to text pictures. I text all the time. Texting is, like, really cool."

"Hey, are those acrylics or your real nails? They really look amazing. I'm, like, bad about getting my nails done every week. I'm lucky if I get in there twice a month. But I guess that's what happens when you're a busy mom. And I'm so busy making that dragon costume right now."

All this, and more, before the top of the third inning. I'm hoping that at this point, my oldest kid loved and respected me just a little bit more than he did before we sat down. Even though I'm not, like, making him a dragon costume.

A Note To My Momma

In honor of this being The Mean Mom's 200th post, and for Mother's Day, I thought it would be appropriate to write something about my mom. For those of you lucky enough to personally know her, you know that I'm lucky. You may have memories of her voice, her personality, her temper, her ability to motivate and especially, her generosity. It is because of this generosity that she is spending her Mother's Day weekend out-of-town helping others. While it's too bad that I won't be able to spend Sunday with her, it's okay too because if she disagrees with something I wrote, she won't be able to come over here and kick my ass. And believe me, kicking ass is something that she's very familiar with.

1. When I was little and wanted to play soccer, there wasn't a team for girls. So my mom contacted the park & rec department and, after making herself clear, was assured that there would be a spot for me on the boys' team.
2. When I wanted to play softball, there wasn't an organized softball league in our community. So, not only did my mom form a team for me and my friends and spend several years coaching, but she formed about a dozen additional teams. And lined up coaches. And organized equipment distribution. And oversaw the construction of three new softball fields. And hired umps. And then the parents felt left out so she organized an adult league for them.
3. When she realized that there was a shortage of certified softball umpires, she decided to become ASA certified and started umpiring games at every level, including high school and men's bar leagues.
4. My brothers and I all did gymnastics, and my mom was always arranging fundraisers, running the concession stand at meets and making sure that we had great coaches and a great facility to train in, even if that meant helping to provide the financing necessary to build a great facility.
5. My brothers were wrestlers, so of course my mom didn't just go to wrestling tournaments as a spectator. She organized the tournaments, prepared the draws, coordinated the score runners and helped manage the concession stand. She also organized registration nights and always made sure that my brothers made weight, even if that meant dieting on Thanksgiving.
6. She likes to drink beer. Dark beer.
7. Which reminds me -- when deciding on a vacation a couple years ago, she chose to do a pub crawl. In Ireland.
8. Her birthday is on Halloween, but she never made us feel guilty for trick-or-treating.
9. When my kids were little, she was always willing to stay at my house for several days in a row so that I could go somewhere with my husband, get drunk and have sex.
10. She knows how to operate a wet saw.
11. She isn't afraid to say "Fuck." And it's sometimes followed by "You."
12. She keeps herself insanely busy, so busy that she ends up missing some of my boys' tennis matches and piano recitals. This fact kind of pisses her off.
13. If babysitting her grandkids means that sometimes she has to get on a plane, then she gets on a plane.
14. One of my brothers owns a gymnastics center, and if she happens to find out that a student is having trouble paying their tuition, she quietly steps in and pays it for them.
15. My other brother is a Division I gymnastics coach, and she and my dad fly around the country to watch his girls compete, because if they are his girls, then that means that they are their girls, which makes it important.
16. She will keep a spice bottle forever. And I mean forever. Because after all, one of these days she's going to need that turmeric.
17. She never comes over to my house without a bag of gummy bears and/or a new DVD for the kids.
18. Through all of my fuck ups, she has always stood by me and reminds me that she is proud of me.
19. She is nice to my husband and truly considers him part of the family.
20. She understands the infield fly rule.
21. She used to do that trick when I was little -- the one where she stands somewhere and silently farts and then says "Hey, can you come over here and reach up and get that thing for me?" Ha ha, apparently it's very funny to almost kill your daughter.
22. One time, while I was visiting her in the hospital after she had had some surgery, I was walking with her in the hallway and she started getting sick because anesthesia always makes her nauseous. Anyway, I really hate it when people throw up, so I kind of took off running down the hall. I claimed that I was looking for a nurse to come help her, but I really just needed to get away from the sounds and sights and thoughts of someone throwing up. I know, real mature. Anyway, she has forgiven me for this.
23. She refuses to slow down, give in, settle for anything short of her original goal, and most important of all, she refuses to stop loving.

Happy Mother's Day Sylvia Graba/Mom/Grandma/Kicker of Asses. I love you. And so do a lot of other people.

All I Need Is Love. And Vodka.

The ads that arrive with the Sunday paper the week before Mother's Day always make me laugh because they are covered with phrases like "Gifts to Wow Mom, Make You're Mother's DAY, All Mom's Favorites" or my favorite so far: "Get Mom a FREE! Fleet Farm Gift Card with the Purchase of Ladies' Apparel by Carhartt Woman." Really, just what every mom wants: A hideous t-shirt, and a gift card so that she can go stock up on Tootsie Rolls, trailer jacks and bird seed.

Doug has already wrapped my Mother's Day present, and I'm dying to know what he got me because he always gets me great gifts. The only thing that I told him I wanted was foldable, portable lawn chairs that don't suck ass, and the box he wrapped is much too small to be lawn chairs. He told me that I could open it early, but I'm going to act like an adult, resist the offer and force myself to patiently wait until Sunday. Or at least Saturday night.

The best thing about Doug's gift buying skills is that he doesn't sit around until the last minute and then rely on the Sunday ads in order to figure out what to get me. Plus, he pays attention to what I like, and what I absolutely hate receiving:

1. Everything listed on the "Don't buy me this for Xmas" list.
2. A wall hanging that says things like "Where Hope Grows, Miracles Blossom" or "Family is a little world created by love."
3. Gift sets by Yankee Candle, because if there's anything worse than having one Yankee Candle in the house, it's having two. Or more.
4. A Perfect Brownie Pan, Pancake Puff Pan, Perfect Omelet Pan, or any other type of pan that would result in me spending time in the kitchen making food that I don't even enjoy eating.
5. A gazing ball, garden globe or whimsical yard figurine, unless I also receive a new baseball bat.
6. Perfume, no matter how enticing the gift set may seem. And specifically, if I were to ever receive a bottle of Britney Spears Circus Fantasy perfume, I can guarantee that there would be one less gift giver in existence, which would mean more oxygen for the rest of us.
7. A Nintendo DSi XL, because buying one of these is like telling me "Here you go, honey, because you're old. And in addition to this gift, I also bought you a subscription to the large print Reader's Digest."
8. Any undergarments that incorporate the word "Shaper."
9. A gift card to any store that may very well sell cute shirts, but also sells toilet paper and cleaning supplies.
10. Any makeup that includes the words "Bobbi Brown, MAC" or "Stila" is fine. But if it includes the words "Kit, Madame, Shitty" or "Value Set," just get a gift card.
11. Any apparel that has a floral pattern, horizontal stripes or an empire waist. And anything that has a...actually, you know what, just don't buy me clothes.
12. Board games, unless it's the kind where I always win.

Now that I'm looking at this list of all the things that I don't want, I'm worried that maybe I am kind of picky and hard to buy for. But then I came across the ad insert for MGM Liquors and between the Absolut vodka, Sailor Jerry rum, Fat Tire beer and Fetzer wine, I realize that I'm not picky at all. In fact, if all of the above were wrapped up in a box and given to me next Sunday, that's a gift that would definitely make my Mother's Day.