Sometimes, I'm Speechless

There have been a few conversations with my kids lately that seem to serve no purpose but to make me question my abilities as a parent. I mean, really, it would be great to be able to say that I have witnessed actual use of common sense, traces of self-sufficiency and improvements when it comes to their listening skills since the beginning of the school year, and at times I think I'm making progress. But then I end up having conversations like these:

Me: I reminded you three times to put the book in your tennis bag. It's in there, right?

Kid: (pause) Oh, well, I think it's already in there, so I should be fine.

Me: That's not what I asked. Either you know it's there or you don't. You either put it there, or you checked to make sure it was there when you realized that it wasn't where it normally belongs. So, did you check?

Kid: Well, no, but I'm pretty sure it's there.

Me: Maybe you could just admit that you didn't listen and that you forgot about it and you have no idea where it is. Right?

Kid: Kinda.

Kid: We had a different person who teached us today.

Me: Cool, but you mean "taught." Teached is not a word.

Kid: No, I mean she teached. Because she was there teaching, so I was teached.

Me: Yes, I know. But she taught you, she didn't teached.

Kid: We had a, um, a different person be our teacher today.

Me: It's windy today, and you'll be in the sun all day. You should probably put some Carmex on at least once or twice.

Kid: I don't have any Carmex, so don't worry about it.

Me: There's stuff in your bag, I saw it there.

Kid: Oh, well that's not Carmex. It's Chap Stick.

Me: (sigh)

Doug: Are you excited about today?

Kid:

Doug: I said, are you excited about today?

Kid:

Me: Don't be crabby, and please answer your dad.

Kid: Did you know that it's hard to be super still? It's like making my brain frozen.

Me: Those shoes are falling apart. You should wear your new tennis shoes tomorrow.

Kid: Then what should I do with my old ones?

Me: Throw them away.

Kid: Okay.

Kid: (the following day) So, should I wear my new shoes today?

Me: Yes, that's what I told you last night.

Kid: What am I supposed to do with my old shoes?

Me: Put them under your pillow.

Kid: Seriously?

Kid: I'll just change clothes at school.

Me: You won't have time. Just change when you get there.

Kid: Yeah, maybe I'll just change in the outhouse.

Me: (wretching sounds) Please. Do. Not. Change. In. The. Outhouse.

Kid: Oh, okay. So I won't change in the outhouse. Or at least I won't tell you about it next time.

Kid: What's for dinner?

Me: I'm grilling pork chops.

Kid: Oh, I'm not really that hungry.

Me: Well, if no one is super hungry, then maybe I'll just make breakfast for dinner.

Kid: Yay! Pancakes for dinner! When are we eating?

Me: Wow, this weather is perfect for outdoor baseball. I love it.

Kid: Oh my god it's so hot. I'm hot. I'm sweating. I'm hot.

Me: Yeah, isn't it great!

Kid: I should have worn a white t-shirt. It's so hot.

Kid #2: My back is sweaty! I'm hot! Oooh, Fun Dip! Gimme!

Me: Beer, please.

Me: Should I steam the asparagus or grill it?

Kid: Oh, definitely grill it. Yum, grilled asparagus!

Me: Dinner's ready.

Kid: (two bites later) Do you want this?

Me: I thought you liked asparagus.

Kid: Last year I did, but now I don't.

Me: Where's my wine glass...

Me: You were supposed to be up at 7:30. Why isn't your alarm on?

Kid: Wuh? Huh? Oh, um, the alarm is on.

Me: No, it's not. I don't hear it.

Kid: Oh, that's because it's turned all the way down so it isn't too loud.

Me: (blink, blink)

Kid: Why do we need to bring empty water bottles to the baseball game?

Dad: So that you can't fill them with vodka.

Kid: Oh, bummer for mom.

Hmmm...maybe they're learning more than I thought.